That’s why Lizann, The Seasoned Spouse, advises couples to be proactive and set aside time for financial planning when they are together. Good planning includes a budget for the present, setting long-term goals for the future, and recognizing how military life may affect spending and saving needs.

“A budget is a snapshot of where you are right now, as well as a schedule for where you want to be next month, or even a year from now.”

— Lizann Lightfoot

“A budget is a snapshot of where you are right now, as well as a schedule for where you want to be next month, or even a year from now,” says Lizann. “Think of it like a puzzle to solve, or a treasure hunt where you find all the hidden drains on your bank account. You can redirect that money from the drain into savings that could reduce stress during a move or deployment.”

Moving Money

A budget should balance income, expenses, and set aside money for unexpected expenses or emergencies. For military families, it’s especially helpful to have savings to bolster the budget during a move.

“Military couples can get thrown off their budget by a PCS,” says Lizann. “There are a lot of out-of-pocket expenses associated with moving, so having some money set aside is helpful. Even if you do a military-funded move, you may still need to transport pets or a second vehicle. Big expenses can throw off your usual spending plan for months afterwards.”

Also, every move brings plenty of smaller expenses that add up. Some of those may be reimbursed, but still require money up front.

Deployed Dollars

Deployment can also disrupt a military family’s budget, even if the deployment results in additional pay rather than additional expenses.

“Deployments involve a lot of changes and stress, for both the service member and the spouse,” says Lizann. “Financial difficulties add to that stress, so it’s important to get on the same page before deployment begins.”

Decisions about how to handle pay increases are easier to make when a couple can speak face to face, she says. It reduces the chance for disagreements about spending when separation makes communication more difficult. Another part of planning for being apart during deployment is deciding who will pay bills and how to handle unexpected expenses or financial decisions that arise between departure and homecoming.

Similarly, it’s good to have a plan for how to handle any pay increase, whether from a promotion or a bonus.

Looking Ahead

Even for young couples, it’s not too early to plan for retirement, says Lizann, whether or not they plan to stay in the military. Military members are eligible for different types of retirement and savings plans depending on when they began their service and how long they serve. Couples should find out what plan or plans apply to their family and decide how much to set aside for retirement planning or for college savings.

Financial planning, says Lizann, is not a one-time event. It’s an ongoing conversation and requires regular check-ups together. New babies, deployments, career changes, and moves will all require adjustments.

So make a date, light the candles, and get out the spreadsheets. It may not sound romantic, but togetherness in financial planning is a relationship investment that will pay off—not only with money in the bank, but also with confidence in each other—for many years to come.

The post Make a Date for Togetherness in Financial Planning appeared first on Military Family Life.

“If we don’t show that this life is hard, that military marriage is hard, parenting is hard, we aren’t being honest,” says Corie. “Without vulnerability or honesty, we risk miscommunicating. So many people are putting out their highlight reels on social media. If we do that, people start to measure themselves by what we’re putting out. We’re always doing our best to say we don’t have all the answers, but we can humbly offer what we do know.”

The Weathers know about moves, about kids changing school, leaving friends behind, and they know about deployment. Corie’s book, Sacred Spaces, grew out of the couple’s separate experiences during deployment and Corie’s separate travels to deployment locations. The book offers wisdom for couples navigating deployment, from before departure to after homecoming. First and foremost, says Corie, her book tells the truth about the difficulties of each phase.

“You have to do that, to validate what people are experiencing before you can go on to offer them help or ways to heal,” she says. “If nobody else is going to say out loud what we’re all experiencing, I’m going to say it.”

The response, says Corie, has been overwhelmingly positive, with military spouses and couples recognizing their own emotions in Corie’s story and realizing they’re not alone. She says it’s rewarding to hear from readers that telling her story authentically has made a difference for them.

“That experience of writing Sacred Spaces—taking that risk—and the response I still get from so many people, makes it even easier to keep putting myself out there. We don’t have to be ashamed to say that deployment is as hard as it is.”

–Corie Weathers

“That experience of writing Sacred Spaces—taking that risk—and the response I still get from so many people, makes it even easier to keep putting myself out there,” says Corie. “We don’t have to be ashamed to say that deployment is as hard as it is. Sometimes we reason it away. We think maybe someone else has it harder, or we look around and it looks like other people are handling it better, but it’s hard for all of us. Let’s talk about that.”

And she does. Corie and Matt stepped up to lead a series of virtual deployment workshops for the USO called “You’re Leaving … Again?” The monthly series coincides with Matt’s latest deployment, beginning before his departure. In the videos, which debut live and are made available as recordings, Corie and Matt talk through getting ready for deployment, departure, spending holidays apart, continuing throughout his absence–offering guidance and support for others going through the same experience.

Taking Risks

Sharing the events of deployment in real time is not without pitfalls. When Matt’s departure was delayed, a workshop that was supposed to happen two weeks after his departure ended up falling on the day he left. It was an emotional day, says Corie, but indicative of the way deployment happens. Schedules get changed, and families roll with it, but they still feel the effects of all that is happening to them. Corie led the live workshop on her own, with a surprise call-in from Matt while he was traveling.

The mission of the USO series and other similar events and projects, Corie says, is to validate the experiences of other military couples. For her and Matt, offering their story helps them work through their own experiences, making them accountable to each other and to those they hope to encourage.

“It is a risk, but Matt and I know our boundaries. We talk to each other about what we are ready to share,” says Corie. “When so much of our emotion is still right under the surface, it’s not time to share that. If I’m going to be authentic, and if I’m going to take a risk, I’m only going to share what I’ve learned a lesson from and what I have perspective on that could be helpful to someone. Other things I’m still wrestling with may need to be in the queue for the future.”

Setting Boundaries

Corie also has boundaries to protect her family and her time with them. With so much of her professional life connected to people and relationships, Corie’s goal is to spend weekends focusing only on her own family relationships.

Her personal self-care includes running “to clear the cobwebs” and to get alone to recharge her introvert batteries. In the big picture, she takes a yearly break during the holidays from events and speaking engagements and puts her Lifegiver podcast on hiatus. None of this time away is perfect, and there will always be interruptions, says Corie, but intentionality matters. Slowing down and stepping away offers time to evaluate, personally, spiritually, and relationally as the new year begins.

“I ask myself hard questions: Do I want to keep doing this? Am I in a healthy place?” says Corie. “I give myself permission each year to re-evaluate everything. It helps me recognize the things I actually love and enjoy. If there’s something I’m really dragging through, and don’t know why, I give myself permission to let it go if I need to.”

Knowing Limitations

As it was for many families, the long months of the pandemic were tough for the Weathers family, and Corie says she recognized she was nearing burnout. In addition to the disruptions of school and schedules, the family moved, and Matt began a deployment just as the holidays were beginning.

“I really hit the ceiling as far as maxing out my own capability,” she says. “It was too much, between moving, deployment, COVID, trying to work, both my kids being in a new school, the emotional challenges, working on my marriage. I knew I had to stop and listen to myself.”

In this season, too, Corie is mining her own experiences for ways to encourage military spouses, reminding them that self-care is not indulgent or selfish but necessary. For deployment, for the pandemic, or any challenge of military life, Corie says spouses aren’t simply looking for advice, they’re looking for someone who understands their experiences.

“They need more than a few practical tips for coping,” she says. “Authentic storytelling from someone who has been there is far more powerful. I wrote Sacred Spaces with that mindset, and when people hear a story that resonates, they’re going to say, ‘Me too,’ and we’re all going to get a little bit better.”

More about Corie Weathers and her book Sacred Spaces:

• Honoring Sacred Spaces in Marriage: Books Make a Difference magazine
• Say it Out Loud: Spouse Calls in Stars and Stripes

The post Corie Weathers: Sacred Spaces and Authentic Stories appeared first on Military Family Life.

When it comes to altered holiday plans, curtailed travel, and limited family gatherings, military families might wonder what all the fuss is about. We’ve been here before. Yes, we get it. It’s hard to be outside those holiday comfort zones, but we’ve learned that unusual times can inspire new ways to celebrate, ways that are still meaningful and memorable. Perhaps our experiences can offer a glimmer of hope for civilian friends and neighbors in this pandemic season.

When the holidays roll around, a military family often can’t gather around the holiday table with grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles. We may be in a new location without a large friend group—yet. Deployment or other circumstances might separate us from our spouses or—for active duty members—our children. Each holiday season is different from the last, so we don’t get used to the changes, we adapt.

It’s hard to be outside our comfort zones at the holidays, but we’ve learned that unusual times can inspire new ways to celebrate, ways that are still meaningful and memorable.

Whether stationed overseas or across the country, military families can’t rely on the comfort of visiting the same local light display or Christmas tree farm every year. We might be living in the mountains, the desert, or the tropics. It’s not as glamorous as it sounds. Sometimes it’s just lonely, but the lessons we’ve learned in those those difficult seasons could be helpful to military and civilians families this year. For everyone facing an unusual or difficult holiday season, here are some new ways to celebrate special days:

Lean on Friends

We may not have invented “framily”—friends who become like family—but military families knew it was a thing long before it had a name. We’ve celebrated some wonderful holidays with good friends when we couldn’t be with our family. If a big group isn’t practical, get together with a couple of friends. If gatherings aren’t possible, or if neighbors aren’t friends yet, connect by dropping off homemade holiday decorations or treats. Use this season to build new relationships. You might find someone else in need of friends to lean on.

Enjoy Simplicity

Sure, those big family gatherings are a lot of chaotic fun, but why not take advantage of simpler days while they’re available? Limited holiday options might mean less stress and money spent coordinating travel, preparing big meals, and making time for all the relatives. That also means more room to reflect on the meaning of holiday observances; more space to be mindful of moments with just a few special people. Chaos will surely return. For now, enjoy the benefits of quieter days while they’re here.

Branch Out

A pared down holiday offers another thing most holidays are short on: time. Holiday busy-ness doesn’t always leave time to try something new, but if this holiday is less full and busy, it could provide opportunities to branch out. Perhaps that could include sharing with someone in need, preparing meals, delivering food or clothing. Branching out could also include exploring where you are. Every time and place has its own flavor and opportunities that might not come again. Find something unique to the location or culture and incorporate it into the celebration this year. These experiences can create treasured memories and new traditions.

Be Present

Even if this isn’t the holiday you hoped for, it’s one that will never come again. Be there for it. Next year you might be with the loved ones you’re missing today, but for now enjoy the ones you’re with. Store up memories and stories to tell around the fire in years to come. Make a gratitude list. In every year there’s something to be thankful for, and your list may be longer than you realize.

Even in challenging times, celebrations are important. They remind us of what is essential, even when—or because—we have to be apart. With intentionality and openness to new experiences, even a difficult holiday can be a meaningful one.

Terri Barnes is the author of Spouse Calls: Messages From a Military Life, based on her long-running column in Stars and Stripes. She and her Air Force husband and their military family have celebrated unusual and meaningful holidays on multiple continents—sometimes on separate continents. Terri is also the editor of multiple award-winning books from Elva Resa Publishing.

More ideas and encouragement for the holidays:

• Keeping Traditions in Transition: Making Spirits Bright
• Deployment Holidays: Finding Reasons to Celebrate

The post New Ways to Celebrate: Military Life Offers Inspiration appeared first on Military Family Life.

“I don’t advise spouses to join a group to network if they’re just checking a box,” says Sue, an Air Force spouse. “That may sound counterintuitive from someone who runs a networking organization, but we need to change our mindset about what networking is. It should be organic, something that’s part of our everyday life, because every day is an opportunity to engage with people.” 

Some connections may be helpful in more ways than one, but relationships are likely to be stronger if they’re built on shared experience and genuine interest in others rather than self-interest. 

“I don’t want to see spouses falling into a serial-networking trap rather than developing real relationships.” Says Sue. “Those relationships are so important in military life.” 

Meaningful engagement can happen in the neighborhood, in a faith community, book club, or even at the commissary—anywhere people come together. This kind of networking is less about work and more about getting to know people. Joining a group for the purpose of career networking can’t replace having real relationships, where mutual helpfulness flourishes naturally. 

” … we need to change our mindset about what networking is. It should be organic, something that’s part of our everyday life, because every day is an opportunity to engage with people.”

–Sue Hoppin

“When you’re in the business of maintaining relationships, you don’t know how those relationships can benefit someone or what good things they will eventually accomplish,” she says. “Networking is a two-way street. It’s not all about what you can get from someone else. You also should think about what you can do for them.” 

Any relationship grows stronger when the participants look for ways to help one another, and networking can provide opportunities to pay it forward to other military spouses and friends. 

“Just because you and I have a relationship, and I may be in a position to help you, doesn’t necessarily mean you will be in a position to help me in return,” she says. “Our connection may or may not be helpful somewhere down the line, but that shouldn’t matter. I believe in putting good energy and good information out in the world. Something you can do might help someone else in ways you never expected.”

The best way to create networks and relationships, says Sue, is to focus on the person rather than what that person can do or who else they know.

“Put yourself out there and build authentic relationships,” she says, “that’s where the magic happens, not when we’re thinking of these relationships as purely transactional. Those least effective at networking are the ones keeping score. We can all help each other, and it’s those mutually beneficial relationships that help everything run.” 

Sue Hoppin wrote the essay “With a Little Help From My Friends” in Stories Around the Table: Laughter, Wisdom, and Strength in Military Life.

Connect with more expertise from Sue and other military spouses at the National Military Spouse Network website. Listen to Straight Talk with Sue every Monday at noon Eastern on the NMSN Facebook page, and check out the NMSN Instagram Live each Wednesday at 11:30 a.m. Eastern.

The post Meaningful Connections Create Strong Networks appeared first on Military Family Life.

“It all comes down to how you fill yourself up,” says Judy. “What do you do when you don’t have any more to give, but the demands on your life are such that you can’t check out? What resources have you put in place that you can draw on?”

“It all comes down to how you fill yourself up. What do you do when you don’t have any more to give, but … you can’t check out? What resources have you put in place that you can draw on?”

–Judy Davis

When the pandemic shutdown began in the United States, Judy was already managing a new way of life. Her husband, Geoff, was injured in a training accident in 2019, which resulted in the amputation of his left leg above the knee. The Davises had recently moved from Washington state to Texas to be closer to Brooke Army Medical Center in San Antonio for Geoff’s care.

For the previous months, Judy’s time and attention had been taken up by managing Geoff’s care and getting ready for the move. Not long before they were set to drive across country to Texas, Judy had experienced a stroke, likely brought on by stress. After her recovery, she couldn’t be behind the wheel for long periods, and Geoff had only been driving again for a couple of months.

“We had to let go of our expectations of what the road trip should be,” says Judy. “We took our time. We had to. It took ten days, when normally we would have done it in two. When we let go of our expectations of what the move was supposed to look like and what we had planned and just went with what was, it was a whole different experience. We had the time of our lives.”

After the move to Texas, Judy’s mom came for a two-week visit that stretched into several months when pandemic travel restrictions took effect. Judy’s caregiving responsibilities multiplied, as she cared for both her mother and her husband.

Judy recalls her stress levels shot up during this period, and none of her regular coping strategies were working. Her daughter suggested she try something new, watercolor painting. Using a set of Crayola watercolors she’d bought for her grandchildren, Judy put on some mellow music, picked up a brush, and started painting. Again, Judy found relief in letting go of expectations.

“I had never painted before, and I had no attachment to what the end result would be,” says Judy, “It’s not about the end product, it’s about the process of doing something that is so unfamiliar and getting absorbed by it, a positive something. I unleashed something my soul was craving.”

In the process she also discovered a hidden talent and has been selling her work and taking commissions for paintings. She shares her creations and Geoff’s woodworking on Instagram.

Judy recalls many times in military life when she felt overwhelmed, but none were more dramatic than her husband’s injury. At one particularly difficult point, she recalls someone suggested she read her own book, Right Side Up.

“They didn’t realize I had written it,” she laughs, “but honestly, I couldn’t read anything when my life was turned upside down. It’s important to build up resources and coping strategies before the crisis. Right Side Up is the book you need the minute you become a military spouse. You need to be handed Right Side Up and Military Spouse Journey, and that’s your life.”

Military Spouse Journey: Discover the Possibilities & Live Your Dreams is a book by by military spouses Kathie Hightower and Holly Scherer.

Difficult experiences offered Judy many opportunities to live out her own words, building on a foundation she had already established, even when events veered far off script. She rediscovered the importance of letting go of expectations, taking time for self-care and managing stress. For Judy, another important strategy when dealing with change is looking for the positive side of each challenge.

Judy says the pandemic restrictions—although complicating Geoff’s medical care in many ways—also reduced some of the busy-ness that was overwhelming her. She had left her work as a speaker and consultant to care for her husband full time after his injury, and she was taking little time for herself.

“It made me realize that my life had become just being a caretaker,” says Judy. “I will be that, but I also need more for me. There’s nothing wrong with that. That’s the gift quarantine gave me. I realized having something to fill me up and make my heart happy didn’t have to come second to taking care of my husband.”

“I realized having something to fill me up and make my heart happy didn’t have to come second to taking care of my husband.”

~ Judy Davis

Later, Judy and Geoff felt the effects of the pandemic in another way, when they were each diagnosed with COVID-19. Both have since recovered. Throughout these challenges, she says, painting gives her focus, time for herself, and opportunities to learn.

“I had an awareness that I wasn’t being true to myself, so I was open to hearing other things,” says Judy. “Immersing myself in artistic expression gives me a break from the stress of everyday life to teach myself something new. It frees me and fills me up. My mind gets full of things that are separate from the stress of my life. No choice that I make when I watercolor is going to impact my life.”

As Judy discovered on her cross-country trip, letting go of expectations is the key to finding joy in the journey.

Related stories from Military Family Life

• Managing Stress: Self-Care is not Selfish, featuring army wife and caregiver Pamela Stokes Eggleston
• Navigating the Emotions of Change, featuring Judy Davis
• Lifelong Military Friendships Grow with Care and Communication, featuring Kathie Hightower and Holly Scherer

The post Judy Davis: Strength to Draw On appeared first on Military Family Life.

In military life, stress is part of every move, deployment, school transition, and career shift. Pamela Stokes Eggleston, a military spouse and yoga therapist, says the best preparation for handling stress on tough days is taking time for self-care every day.

Pamela writes and teaches about the benefits and practice of yoga and is the founder and director of Yoga2Sleep. After her husband was injured during a combat deployment, she says she had to relearn the importance of self-care. As a caregiver, she says, caring for her husband goes hand in hand with caring for herself.

“It’s not either-or. It’s both,” she says. “I’m here for my husband and I’m going to care for myself. I have time for meditation built it into my day, because I recognize I need that. When I’m healthy, I show up better for my husband when he needs me, and I’m happier. It’s a positive in all directions.”

Responses to stress are more important than the sources of the stress, says Pamela, and the practice of yoga increases a person’s awareness of those responses.

“Often, you can’t change what’s happening, you can only change yourself and how you’re reacting to outside stressors,” says Pamela. “It’s those reactions that are firing up the nervous system. Self-inquiry and reflection are helpful to discover how this stress is manifested in your life.”

The practice of yoga combines awareness of the mind and body through focused movement, meditation, and breathing. Even without taking a yoga class, however, it’s possible to apply some of yoga’s helpful concepts to daily self-care and stress management. Deep breathing is one example.

“You can’t change what’s happening, you can only change yourself and how you’re reacting… Self-inquiry and reflection are helpful to discover how this stress is manifested in your life.”

— Pamela Stokes Eggleston

“Taking a deep breath may seem overly simplistic, but it’s a very real way to disperse stress,” Pamela says. “Also, when you are focused on feeling the breath in your body, you have to be focused on the present moment. You can’t be focused on the future, and you can’t be focused on the past.”

Complications created by the pandemic have interrupted and altered life in countless ways, adding even more stress to military life and all its demands. Pamela says it’s natural to grieve what was lost, but it’s more effective to focus on the present than to wish for life to go back to the way it was.

“We’re using this term the ‘new normal,’ but we need to recognize that military life was never normal to begin with. There’s nothing normal about military life,” she laughs. “Instead, we can unpack what we feel and say, ‘I’m lamenting what was in the past and worried about the future.’ Then we need to come back to the present. If you’re focused on the past and future, you are not living in the present.”

Part of living in the present, she says, is looking for the benefits of adversity. Military families, she points out, know how to deal with change. They know how to use creativity and determination to make the best of any situation, even one that’s difficult or tragic.

“I’ve known people who died from COVID, and I know people who recovered from COVID, so I’ve seen both sides,” says Pamela. “It’s still possible to look at the blessing side of this. We can sit in what one of my friends calls the joyful discomfort and ask ‘What is the positive I can find, even in that discomfort?’”

Those positives can include personal growth, greater awareness, and compassion. Pamela also says it helps to recognize that military life teaches useful skills and qualities for navigating all kinds of uncertainty and upheaval.

“I need to have compassion for myself and for other people who aren’t like me, who see things differently from the way I do,” she says. “The military community is diverse, so we’ve learned how to handle some of this. But not everyone has lived this way, and we need to have compassion in that. This is what I believe America can aspire to be. Our differences and our diversity are what make us magnificent.”

Take Time for Self-Care

From her expertise as a yoga teacher and therapist, Pamela offers these self-care tips to recognize stress and manage its effects:

Feel Your Breaths. “Take five deep breaths and feel the breath in your body. Feeling and experiencing your breath creates space for self-inquiry. Ask yourself ‘Why do I feel this way? What am I doing to do about it? Why don’t I have compassion for myself or for someone else?’” 

Listen to Yourself. “Pay attention to what is going on in your body and mind. A lot of times we don’t want to be curious about our pain, because it means facing something that might be wrong. We dull our pain, turn it off or trudge through it. Instead, be curious about what that pain means, explore the reasons, practice compassion for the pain you are experiencing.”

Get moving. “You need to move your body, because stagnant energy stresses us out. Sit out in the sunshine and breathe that fresh air. Go when no one else is out there and walk.”

Take Ten Minutes: “You don’t have to take a yoga class, but you can take ten minutes. When people say they don’t have time, I ask, ‘Does your bathroom door have a lock?’ You can sit on the floor of the bathroom and take ten minutes behind a locked door. Put your headphones on and meditate. We’re all busy, but there’s twenty-four hours in the day. Make time for what is really important.”

Accentuate the Positive: “I don’t believe in depletion or restriction. I believe in crowding out the bad stuff with good. Look at what you ingest, both in your diet and your energy. What are you feeding your body and your soul? Fill up with the good stuff.”

Terri Barnes is a military spouse and author of Spouse Calls: Messages From a Military Life, based on her long-running column in Stars and Stripes. She is also the editor of several award-winning books from Elva Resa Publishing.

More helpful ideas about self-care from Military Family Life:

• Take a Deep Breath and Exhale Stress
• Rest Well: 5 Paths to Better Sleep

The post Managing Stress: Self-Care is not Selfish appeared first on Military Family Life.

Begin Before Goodbye

Kids begin feeling the effects of deployment even before their service member parent departs, so conversations between parents and kids about what they think and feel about deployment should begin before it’s time to say goodbye.  

“Like their parents, kids have fears and anxieties about this experience,” says Karen Pavlicin, author of Surviving Deployment: A Guide for Military Families. “In the lead-up to deployment, involve them in appropriate ways. Be sure they feel included and that their feelings are heard.”   

Kids begin feeling the effects of deployment even before their service member parent departs.

It’s also important to hear kids’ concerns about deployment to clear up any misunderstandings or any worries they have that may be unfounded or disproportionate to the situation.  

“Ask them what they are thinking about,” says Karen. “You may be able to calm some of their worries right away.”  

Before departure, give children opportunities to spend one-on-one time with the deploying parent.

“Departure day is usually busy and emotional,” says Karen. “Take time together before that crazy day to give kids a chance to ask questions, talk, and have fun. The good memories will help them cope with tough days following the goodbyes.”

Provide Sense of Stability  

Children also benefit from stability at home to maintain a sense of security during deployment. Something as simple as maintaining daily routines can reassure kids they can depend on their family, even when one parent is absent. Julie Provost, a military spouse blogger at Soldier’s Wife Crazy Life says children need to know their parents are always ready to support them.  

Something as simple as maintaining daily routines can reassure kids they can depend on their family, even when one parent is absent.

“One of the things I do to give my kids a sense of security and stability when my husband is gone,” says Julie, “is by letting them know it is okay to come to me anytime they are upset, scared or just unsure about what is going on. I want them to know I am here for them one hundred percent.”  

Pay Attention to Feelings  

Sometimes, even with a supportive parent available to listen, kids find it difficult to talk about their worries or emotions about deployment, or even to know what their feelings are. For those times, journaling can be a useful activity, says Rachel Robertson, author of  Deployment Journal for Kids and an expert in early childhood development for Bright Horizons Family Solutions.  

“Keeping a journal is a proven tool for helping children manage stress and process complex emotions,” she says.  

Children may be feeling emotions they can’t understand or communicate.

Children may be feeling emotions they can’t understand or communicate, says Rachel. A journal gives them a place to express their feelings and sort them out.

 Journaling is also an activity easily tailored to each child’s age and ability. It can be completely personal or interactive with parents. Preschoolers can draw pictures and decorate their journal pages. Older children can write stories, songs, or poems, as well as daily happenings and thoughts.

Rachel emphasizes that playtime is important for children too, offering another way for kids to process their thoughts and feelings in a concrete way. 

“Play is the way children process life,” she says. “They don’t often have the words to talk about how they feel, so one way to find out about what is on their minds and what they’re feeling is to observe their play.” 

Find Ways to Take Action

Children are encouraged when they have positive ways to put their feelings and concerns into action. They could take action by volunteering in the community or place of worship, helping with household chores, or creating care packages for their deployed parent.

Karen says kids also enjoy being able to reach out to a deployed parent in meaningful and concrete ways. Writing letters, drawing, painting, and making homemade gifts provide creative outlets for kids and ways to communicate love and support for an absent parent.

To support kids during deployment, offer them positive ways to put their feelings and concerns into action.

Children can also keep a list of questions or news to share with a deployed parent at the next phone call or video chat. When kids have a question but can’t talk to their parent, writing it down gives them a place to put their thoughts. Having a list of topics may also help alleviate the shyness some kids feel when they get on the phone or video chat.  

Even activities not directly connected to deployment provide parents and kids with more opportunities to interact, offering a window into how kids are coping. Keeping daily routines, journaling, playing, and other activities are comforting to kids and also encourage ongoing, daily communication between parents and children.

“Give children plenty of reassurance,” Karen says. ”Throughout deployment they need to know your family is united, even when you’re apart.”

More about supporting kids during deployment:

• Deployment Goodbye: Preparation Eases Departure Sorrow 
• Write It Out: Journals Help Kids Process Emotions
• Playtime: 10 Ways to Brighten Deployment Days
• Children and Emotions from SurvivingDeployment.com

The post Four Essentials for Supporting Kids During Deployment appeared first on Military Family Life.

“For me, the most stressful part of a PCS is all the decisions that need to be made,” says Marine spouse Lizann Lightfoot, blogger at The Seasoned Spouse and author of the upcoming book, Open When You Love Someone in the Military. “I like to take time and research the options and weigh the pros and cons before making a big decision. A PCS is usually a whole string of decisions that need to be made quickly.”

Kellie Artis, army spouse and chief operating officer for Millie, says the unknowns of moving cause her the most stress, and those unknowns complicate all the decisions to be made.

“I have a hard time with abstract or ambiguous, and what is a PCS if not both of those things?” she says. “Moving to a new city is a bit frightening. You may not know what to expect when it comes to the culture, climate, commutes, all sorts of things.”

Finding out as much as possible about a new location as soon as possible helps Kelly alleviate her stress and apprehension.

“I immerse myself in research to try and get the full picture of what our lives will look like at the next duty,” she says. “I also firmly believe in making informed decisions based on fact and reality, so having a trusted place to turn to for information is key.”

Good communication helps military families reduce stress during a move, and Lizann recognizes it’s not always easy to keep that balance, when each spouse has different ways of handling the situation.

“It’s very difficult to truly make decisions together as a couple during a PCS move,” she says. “My husband excels in that environment (of transition), and he slips into military leader mode. The more I hesitate, the more he takes charge, then I feel even more stressed. Not only am I responsible for all the details for myself and our five children—I also feel like my ideas aren’t being heard or valued.”

Kellie and Lizann offer these ten ways to check stress at every stage of a move:

1 ~ Lizann: As a couple, my husband and I reduce conflict with regular conversations and check-ins about big decisions we have to make about schedules, housing, or schools.

2 ~ Kellie: I learn as much as I possibly can about the place we’re moving to and start to embrace the base before we get there to save time once we arrive. What are the schools like? Where is Target? What is there to do on the weekends?

3 ~ Lizann: Before we leave, we plan some family activities to take everyone’s mind off the move. Local activities from our “bucket list” or dinner out at a favorite restaurant.

4 ~ Kellie: If you have children, involve them at an age-appropriate level so they feel like participants and not baggage!

5 ~ Lizann: We give our kids opportunities to say goodbye to their favorite people and places.

6 ~ Kellie: Plan your route to include a few fun (and COVID-Safe) stops like National Parks and other outdoor adventures.

7 ~ Lizann: After we move, we use some of my husband’s leave days to do fun family events in the new area. This helps us begin to feel like locals in our new town.

8 ~ Kellie: We try to settle into a new place as quickly as possible, and this means meeting people as well as unpacking boxes. Don’t skip opportunities to connect with your neighbors or community because you’re buried in packing paper.

9 and 10 ~ Lizann and Kellie agree that organization and self-care are both important ways to alleviate PCS stress. They advise creating a PCS binder or file to keep track of important paperwork, checklists, receipts, and other essentials. This saves time and reduces worry, which makes more time for self-care: plenty of sleep, connection with friends, exercise, and healthy meals whenever possible.

More helpful ideas for PCS season from Military Family Life:

• Moving Kids: 5 Healthy Ways to Handle PCS
• Maria Reed’s Top Tips for Making a House a Home
• Get Organized for the Next Move

The post Ten Ways to Keep PCS Stress in Check appeared first on Military Family Life.

Feeling at home makes a difference to military families in important ways, says Maria, whose show features  surprise home makeovers for military families, helping them create a sense of home wherever they live.

“Having a place to call home contributes to our emotional well-being, self-esteem, and self-confidence, and is vital to being mission-ready,” she says. “Military families spend a lot of time away from their traditional support systems. They build resiliency by finding a home, forming strong bonds in their military community. It may feel like the only family they have.”

“Having a place to call home contributes to our emotional well-being, self-esteem, and self-confidence, and is vital to being mission-ready.”

–Maria Reed

On her makeover show, Maria helps military families personalize their homes, offering strategies to make the most of living spaces, both practically and aesthetically. She believes it’s important to prioritize moving into a new space and getting settled as part of acclimating to a new duty assignment.

“Military families learn to be at home everywhere, but connectedness often centers around items in our homes which evoke memories,” Maria says. “It’s important for us to feel at home in the house we live in.”

Don’t Wait

Military families don’t have the luxury of time when it comes to moving in and decorating a home.

“Do it now!” says Maria.

After moving to a new place, Maria begins by getting her two children settled in their spaces and including them in the process.

“Moving is a great time to redesign their space with a new theme, bedding, or color. They need to feel comfortable in their new space,” Maria says. In the upheaval of a move, kids appreciate having some control over their lives and living space.

Next, Maria’s family designates an area for a “command center,” a place to put backpacks and shoes, as well as post the family calendar and schedule.

“Everything flows from there,” she says, adding that the location may differ in every house. “We have had command centers in garages, laundry rooms, storage closets.”

Even after getting settled, Maria says there are many ways to give living spaces home-like qualities and make them more useful, too. Sometimes just rearranging the furniture can make a difference. She says furniture placement and use of space should fit the flow and pattern of activities in the home.

For making home anywhere on a military budget, Maria offers these tips and techniques:

Shop at Home

Evaluate the accessories or fixtures you already have and try them out in other spaces. The best time to do this is right before or after a move, but you can do it anytime. Sometimes with all the packing and moving around, we forget what we even have. A quick sweep of all your rooms might spark new placement ideas for an old lamp that’s been sitting in a back room. Instead of buying a new piece of furniture, refurbish an existing piece with chalk paint, stain, or decoupage.

Top to Bottom

Use vertical spaces as well as horizontal. When items go up on walls we tend to feel more grounded in that space. Hang curtains, install shelves and art work. For the floors, whether we rent, buy or live on post, I am a fan of large area rugs. They can disguise a less-than-desirable floor, and they add color, visual interest and texture. Layering rugs over rugs is great, too.

Add Accents

Enjoy a fresh coat of paint and a pop of color! Paint or removable wallpaper on an accent or focal wall can make an impact on the overall feel of a space. So what if you have to paint it back to the original color? Do it! Also, when you purchase large pieces of furniture, keep it neutral. Then you can add pops of color with handmade throw pillows and accessories.

Collection or Clutter

Group like items and display them as a collection. We tend to buy a lot of little décor items, maybe because they’re affordable or because we’re living in a small space; and small items are easier to pack and move. I totally get that. So now, what do you do to keep these from looking like clutter? Gather all your artwork and accessories and look at what you have and group like items together. When displaying items of the same height, elevate a few using a plinth. (Anything can be a plinth, a from a piece of wood to a stack of books.) Displaying objects at varying heights will gives a more designer look.

Oh, the Places You’ve Been

Create a gallery wall. Can you have too many photos? Not on social media, but for your home? Well, maybe. To emphasize your favorites for a cohesive display, make large prints of a few of your favorite photos and display them together. Maps and artifacts from your travels add dimension to the story-telling power of the gallery. Then, use a digital frame to include more photos and continue telling your stories.

Go Green

Adding plants to a space makes any room feel alive and helps improve the air quality. Use plants to create a visual interest by hanging them on a wall, or on shelves. Put a plant on the floor to fill a corner or on a table to add color. Keep in mind amount of sunlight in your space when choosing plants. Choose plants that are easy to grow. Faux plants look great too.

“Environment is important to the wellbeing of any family, especially a home environment,” says Maria. “For us, answering the question, ‘Where is home?’ can be tough, but it’s not about geography. Home is anywhere we find security, control, belonging, identity, peace. It is a place to heal from the challenges of military life.”

Finding a sense of home takes work and intention in a mobile life, but it’s certainly possible, says Maria. From stateside and overseas, military quarters to civilian neighborhoods, military families can create home anywhere.

Ways to declutter and Get Organized for the Next Move

More decorating tips from Maria Reed

Feature about Maria Reed for AUSA by Terri Barnes

Episodes of Moving with the Military

The post Maria Reed’s Top Tips for Making a House a Home appeared first on Military Family Life.

Making people laugh comes easy for Lisa, a humor columnist and author of The Meat and Potatoes of Life: My True Lit Com, a funny memoir about motherhood and marriage. The pandemic has shifted the dynamics of the Molinari household, with both Lisa and her husband, Francis, now working from home, and their college-aged daughters also home after their campuses were closed.

“My best coping strategy has always been humor,” says Lisa, who has used humor to overcome insecurities since being voted Class Clown in high school. She adds, “It puts people at ease, and helps me deal with tension during stressful times, like deployments or global pandemics.”

Family foibles are magnified by enforced togetherness, and sometimes the only remedy is a dose of laughter.

Lisa says not taking herself too seriously has helped her handle serious events in her life. As a navy wife, she discovered humor writing as a way to get through her husband’s year-long deployment when their kids were young. After one of her essays was published in the Washington Post, Lisa was inspired to pursue a career as newspaper columnist. Now her weekly humor column appears in Stars and Stripes and dozens of newspapers across the country.

“It’s not always easy to find material,” she admits. “Some days I’m wracking my brain for ways to see how this is funny, but we manage to find a way to laugh anyway. People tell me that I have the best stories, but really, I don’t live an extraordinary life — I just know how to see the humor in everyday things. Carpools, chicken nuggets, clogged toilets, and mortgage payments might sound boring, but any situation has the raw material for a hilarious story if you look for it.”

That doesn’t mean her three kids always think she is funny—especially after weeks of quarantine togetherness—but her husband, Francis, is fond of a good joke and doesn’t mind when the laugh is on him. Still, Lisa says using humor to cope requires balance. She offers a few tips for laughing through challenges without laughing off what’s important:

Lift up, don’t put down. Make sure the humor doesn’t come at someone else’s expense. Busting chops may start in good fun, but when it goes too far, it hurts. It’s far too costly in the long run. Humor should bring you together, and an inside joke isn’t funny if you’re the one on the outside.

Lighten the mood. Especially a minor problem becomes magnified. Use humor to ease tensions and put things back into perspective.

Be sensitive. Isolation may cause more sensitivity and anxiety, so humor may not apply to everyone in every situation. Be sure your family knows you take their feelings and problems seriously.

Look beyond the one-liner. Humor isn’t only about making a joke. Good humor also means kindness and a light-hearted attitude.

Self-deprecatory humor puts others at ease. Better to laugh at yourself than make a joke at someone else’s expense.

Never ridicule and be careful with sarcasm or snark. These tear down rather than build up when directed at a person. Use humor to lift each other up. This is true no matter what is going on in the world.

“Our family sees humor as a virtue, and that’s just as true now as it ever was,” says Lisa. “Humor is such a significant part of our family life. It helps us cope now when we are all stuck together. If we can laugh at ourselves or the situation a little bit, we can lift each other up.”

Lisa Smith Molinari is also a coauthor of Stories Around the Table: Laughter, Wisdom, and Strength in Military Life and has contributed to two editions of Chicken Soup for the Soul. Read more about Lisa’s work on her website The Meat and Potatoes of Life.

More good humor and good advice from Lisa Smith Molinari:

But Seriously: 5 Ways to Handle Family Life With Humor

The post Lisa Smith Molinari: Togetherness with a Dose of Laughter appeared first on Military Family Life.