Military spouses face unique barriers to employment, such as frequent moves and deployments, contributing to a 22 percent unemployment rate. The National Military Spouse Network (NMSN) has been spearheading a grassroots effort to bring forward legislation to help. The Military Spouse Hiring Act is the closest it has ever been to being passed, and you can help!

The Military Spouse Hiring Act is a set of two identical bills in the US House and Senate, known as HR2974/S3909, that would expand the Work Opportunity Tax Credit (WOTC) to include military spouses. The WOTC is a federal tax credit available to employers who invest in American job seekers who have consistently faced barriers to employment.

Both bills have been introduced to Congress with bipartisan support. Representative Don Beyer [D-VA-8] and Senator Tim Kaine [D-VA] sponsored the bills, and there are more than 280 cosponsors in the House and 53 cosponsors in the Senate. As Congress enters what is known as the “lame duck” season, where new leaders have been elected but are not yet in office, work is still being done to try to push this legislation through Congress and onto the President’s desk by the end of the year.

Rep. Beyer and Sen. Kaine are exploring ways to pass the bills this year, either by putting them on the consent calendar or adding the WOTC change as an amendment to another bill that must pass this year, such as appropriations. Rep. Beyer said HR2974 is his number one priority, and he will do his best to get it over the finish line. If the bills do not pass, the process will start over with a new Congress, where there is no guarantee of the same support.

Military members make up a small percentage of the population and many members of Congress don’t understand the impact of military service on military families. We have an opportunity to use our military life stories to help Congress understand how their support of legislation like the Military Spouse Hiring Act will have an immediate positive impact.

Four easy things you can do today:

1. Call members of Congress to thank them for their co-sponsorship of the Military Spouse Hiring Act. Check to see co-sponsors here: HR2974/S3909.
2. Call the staff and offices of Rep. Beyer and Sen. Kaine to thank them for their leadership on this important issue.
3. Call the offices of the US senators and US representatives from your state to tell them how important these bills are and ask for their support to pass the bills before the end of the current legislative session. Tell them your personal story to help them understand the challenges military spouses face. In this time of great political division, it is especially important to remind political leaders that this issue is bipartisan.
4. Invite your representatives to come to your base so they can hear from military spouses directly about their experiences.

Your voice is so important to keep the grassroots momentum going! Four years ago, 24 military spouses visited congressional offices on Capitol Hill to share the challenges and offer suggestions about what legislators could do to help. Today, the Military Spouse Hiring Act, HR2974/S3909, is so close to being passed!

As NMSN’s president, Sue Hoppin, says: “If we ever hope to make significant and lasting change for military spouses on the issue of employment, we need to reinvigorate the same community effort that successfully turned the tide for veteran employment a decade ago.”

Additional Advocacy

Legislation is only part of NMSN’s advocacy. In The 2022 NMSN White Paper, they highlight the work they have done and continue to do. Their main focus has been gathering data. While there have been many military spouse programs implemented, the data to see if these metrics are working is not there.

For instance, this year the Department of Defense (DoD) announced that for the first time, all military spouses would be able to participate in its biennial Active Duty Spouse Survey. However, the questions were shortened, with only four multiple choice questions and one open ended question. While it is great that all military spouses were included, the lack of information and data collected will continue to limit progress without a baseline assessment.

Another area of advocacy that NMSN is focused on is military spouse under-employment. If spouses are unable to secure employment or forced to take a pay decrease at a new location due to a move, it exacerbates already-tough financial challenges faced by military families both during and after military service. Spouses face being stationed in locations where work options are unavailable, or the timing of a move negatively impacts their eligibility for 401(k)s or Individual Retirement Accounts.

According to Sue, “Unfortunately, too often announcements touting successful military spouse employment initiatives can also be unintentionally misleading. In many instances, those employment successes combine veteran and military spouse hiring initiatives and reflect a single point in time. Even if a spouse successfully gains employment at one assignment, they may find themselves in an entirely different labor market just 18 months later. A military spouse’s inability to retain employment through a PCS transition also means greater challenges qualifying for employment-related benefits like career development, advancement and vesting of employer contributions to retirement funds.”

NMSN’s recommendations:

1. The DoD should create a standard set of metrics to evaluate programs for their impact.
2. Congress should study the inability of military spouses to benefit from financial vesting programs due to military service.
3. The Domestic Employee Teleworking Overseas (DETO) program should be expanded to ensure that military spouses who secure employment with a federal department or agency are able to maintain their employment during assignments overseas.
4. An SBA Small Business Concern classification should be created specifically for military spouses.
5. Congress should consider authorizing the development of a military spouse experience map through the lens of employment.

NMSN will continue to advocate for all military spouses no matter what stage of their employment journey they are in. “While the NMSN may focus primarily on military spouse professionals, we know that NMSN’s work also supports the military spouse who needs a job just to make ends meet during a transition. NMSN promotes inclusive collaboration on military spouse employment by advocating for all military spouses no matter where they are in their employment journey,” Sue says.

To explore the challenges military spouses face and the lack of data for military spouse unemployment in more depth, read Sue’s letter. To learn more about NMSN, head to their website or connect with Sue. Watch for the new 2023 White Paper on January 25, 2023.

Photo: At a December 2022 roundtable, National Military Spouse Network President Sue Hoppin talked with Congressman Don Beyer and Professor Janet Breslin Smith about the Military Spouse Hiring Act. The discussion was presented by USAA, with Mike Kelly attending.

Amanda Huffman is a veteran, military spouse, podcaster (Women of the Military), and the author of A Girl’s Guide to Military Service.

The post Military Spouse Hiring Act: 4 Ways to Take Action Now! appeared first on Military Family Life.

Kendra Lowe, an Air Force veteran, military spouse, and licensed psychologist, says that military spouses can break the stress cycle by learning to understand, respond to, and manage their stress. After nearing her own breaking point on an overseas assignment, she made the decision to change how she viewed her stress.

“I stumbled across an email for décor words you can place on your wall that read ‘Wake Up, Kick Ass, Repeat.’ I immediately ordered it in the largest, darkest letters and adhered it to our wall where it remained for four years,” Kendra says. “Initially it served as a daily challenge. What I later discovered was that by adding this mantra to the wall, I was actively shifting my negative thoughts to positive ones.”

Understand Your Stress

The first step for Kendra was recognizing she had a stress problem. Once she identified it, she could begin understanding where her stress originated and focus on the causes that she could control. If her stress was internal, she could control it. If it was external—like learning her husband’s tour would be extended from two to four years on the first night of their overseas assignment—should most likely could not control it.

“For military spouses this distinction is profound, as we are required to function in a world with very little control. Take comfort in knowing something, especially something with the potential to have a negative impact like stress, is within your control,” Kendra says.

Respond to Your Stress

Kendra began to take control of her thoughts, feelings, and expectations—her internal stress—which gave her the opportunity to shape her stress into a neutral or even a positive experience. As she reframed her stress triggers, she responded differently to the stressful situations, beginning to break the stress cycle.

Tactics like meditation, journaling, and physical exercise can help with stress management, but learning to identify and address the “thieves” in your day can have a profound impact on the stress cycle as well. “Time thieves” such as excessive social media scrolling, phone interruptions, and procrastination all contribute to later feelings of stress and lack of accomplishment. Kendra recommends creating a priority list for the day and even muting your cell phone for periods of time to eliminate distractions. “Emotional thieves” include individuals who leave you feeling put down, anxious, sad, or even depressed. Kendra recommends limiting time with these kinds of people and, when possible, eliminating them from your life altogether so you can spend more time with loving, nurturing people.

Turn Your Stress into Strength

Though military spouses may dream of a stress-free life, breaking the stress cycle won’t eliminate current stress or stop new stress from developing. Instead, reframing mindsets and reforming habits related to stress responses become tools in managing stress.

“The goal is not to solve the problem, but rather to acquire tools to manage stress you may be experiencing now or as it arises in the future,” Kendra says. “Through better management of stress you can begin to experience challenges without suffering as opposed to remaining calm while suffering. A simple, yet profound difference.”

Kendra, MSC, EdS, EdD, NCSP, LSSP, is the author of Milspouse Strength: Changing the Way You See and Respond to Military Life Stress, a friendly guide to help military spouses assess, respond to, and proactively manage the cumulative stress of military life. The book will release January 11, 2022 and is published by Elva Resa Publishing.

More helpful ideas about self-care and stress management from Military Family Life:

• Take a Deep Breath and Exhale Stress
• Managing Stress: Self-Care is Not Selfish

The post Turn Your Military Life Stress into Strength appeared first on Military Family Life.

“You can be respectful of boundaries and that [everyone] gets to have emotions and things they don’t want to share,” Rachel says. “But you can discuss the positive things you’ve written about with one another, and that can train your brain to look for more positive.”

Model Behavior

This can be an important exercise for parents to do with children, especially if the child may be reluctant to journal at first. According to Rachel, the best way to encourage children with an aversion to the activity is to model the behavior the parent would like to see.

“If a parent is doing it, kids will follow suit,” she says. “In any parenting situation, I advise parents to narrate their own thinking. Kids can’t learn from you if it’s just happening in your head.”

For example, a parent can say something like, “I’m struggling with this emotion. I’m going to sit down and journal about it. Do you want to sit with me?” By inviting their children to be a part of the process of journaling and expressing some thoughts out loud, parents can show children the benefits of journaling without telling them to do it.

Make a Judgement-Free Zone

It’s important for children to feel safe expressing (or not expressing) some of their emotions from their journal. But for them to feel safe, parents need to put the emphasis on the act of journaling—not the outcome of the journaling, says Rachel.

“Stop focusing on a child’s outcome. Focus on the improvement, effort, and process,” she says.

The more a child—or an adult, for that matter—journals, the more likely they may be to open up about those emotions, because they’ve had a chance to gain a bit of control over the way they are feeling.

“Processing through writing is very beneficial. We know the benefits of mindfulness and it’s the same thing,” Rachel says. “Get out of your head and write it down. One of the most important skills we can teach children is to recognize and analyze their own emotions.”

Build a Routine

Whether the routine is bedtime stories or Sunday pancakes, Rachel says the best way to incorporate journaling discussions is to build it into a routine.

“Whatever routines and rituals are already present, just build it in. Eventually it just becomes something you do,” she says. “You can be drawing versus writing. Anything that helps. Just build a daily or weekly habit.”

The time in-between family sessions can be just as important as the time in them, though. As children are learning to process their emotions, they need encouragement, space, and time, says Rachel.

Rachel’s journals for military families include Deployment Journal for Kids (2^nd edition), Deployment Journal for Spouses (3^rd edition), and Deployment Journal for Parents.

An author and educator focused on child development, Rachel Robertson combined her professional training and personal experience supporting herself and her two children through her husband’s military deployments to create a series of journals for families during deployment. All of her journals have been published by Elva Resa Publishing.

You may also be interested in reading:

Write It Out: Journals Help Kids Process Emotions (Military Family Life)
Journaling is a great way to help kids sort out the feelings they have about military life. The benefits of journaling are numerous. Rachel offers suggestions to help kids of any age get started with a journal, grouped by tips for kids in preschool, grade school, middle and high school.

Four Healthy Benefits of Journaling During Deployment (Military Family Life)
Self-care and self-expression are important for military spouses going through the stresses of deployment, and journaling during deployment provides both, says Rachel. She shares thoughts about four key benefits.

The post Journaling Together as a Family appeared first on Military Family Life.

Start a New Hobby or Invest in an Existing One

Having a hobby is a great way for children to develop creativity, ownership, and pride in their abilities. If your child already has a hobby, consider a special gift to further their interest. For example, if they love to paint, purchase a special paint or brush set. If they don’t yet have a hobby, talk with them about their interests and see if they may want to give something new a try.

Enjoy Weekly Fun Night

Pick a night, Friday, for example, and give your child the power to decide what the family does for every Friday night in April. Whether it’s an activity like watching a movie or choosing what dinner will be, encourage them to make plans and then have fun doing those things!

Wear Purple

This one is on every list to celebrate Month of the Military Child, and for a good reason! Purple Up! Day gives Americans the opportunity to wear purple in support of military children, thanking them for their strength and sacrifices. The official Purple Up! Day, established by the Department of Defense Education Activity (DoDEA), is April 15, but individual state calendars may designate a different day. Help your child pick out their favorite purple apparel or, if the budget allows, help them pick out a new purple piece to add to their wardrobe!

Talk to Teachers

We know military children have unique challenges when it comes to school. Those challenges are amplified when school is virtual or hybrid and students don’t have the face-to-face time with their peers and teachers. Involving a teacher or coach in celebrations can be a nice surprise for your military child—and it may even be a positive effect for other military-connected students in the school.

Involve Your Kids!

Ask your children what would make them feel special throughout the month. There’s a good chance it may not take much to make them feel seen, appreciated, and loved. Perhaps they would love to make homemade pizza, eat their favorite ice cream, or spend quality time playing games with their family. Maybe they would like to write in a new journal, go on a hike, or stay in their pajamas and read books all day! You never know unless you ask!

The post Five Ways to Purple Up! at Home appeared first on Military Family Life.

The COVID-19 pandemic shifted the world to a remote-first approach to work, making a home office more of a requirement than option for many. For those not used to working from home, navigating the distractions of a blended home-work life can be exhausting.

Even the most disciplined workers may find themselves inserted into a shifting puzzle of caring for younger children, virtual school days, multiple adults working from home, and simultaneous video calls. Remote work can also feel isolating, especially for military spouses who are home alone during the day, stationed far away from extended family, or going through a spouse’s deployment.

There are many ways to succeed at remote work. Whether you are making the best of your current temporary situation, or wanting to make remote work more permanent, knowing what helps you perform your best everyday will help you stay calm and productive.

Military spouse and author Laura Briggs has worked remotely for eight years. Laura offers four tips to make working remotely work for you: manage your time, create boundaries, overcommunicate, and practice self care.

Manage Your Time

When Laura first began her remote work journey, one of her biggest challenges was learning how to manage her schedule so she could be productive.

“You need to be intentional with your time working from home,” Laura says. “Part of it is knowing what you can reasonably accomplish in a day’s amount of work. For example, I have meetings all day Tuesdays, so I’ll never assign myself a task on Tuesdays.”

Keep track of which hours are your best thinking hours. If you’re a morning person, tackle more complex projects early in the day and save routine tasks for the afternoon.

Keep your work area organized so you can easily locate and avoid misplacing work papers. Although your coworkers may not be able to see your clutter-free workspace, your time will be more focused and efficient.

Create Boundaries

A dedicated home office space is imperative for remote work. If you are interviewing for positions, potential employers want to ensure candidates have a professional setting with good lighting and reliable internet. If you are transitioning your role from in-office to remote, you want to ensure the separation of work and home life can remain intact.

Ideally, you want to work in a room away from the dishes, laundry, or TV. If space constraints put your home office in your family room or at your kitchen table, create a separation of work-home through your actions.

“It personally helps me to get dressed every single day before work,” Laura says. “My coworkers … know I will always show up to the video call with hair and makeup done and an official outfit.”

While working in sweats may be just fine for your productivity, there are other ways to get your remote workday off to a good start. Daily coffee or tea, a morning stretch or mediation session, or listening to a podcast that you would’ve listened to on your drive into the office are a few ways you can put your mindset into work mode.

It’s also important to develop ground rules to avoid work disruptions. For example, a closed door could be a signal to your spouse or children that you are busy and shouldn’t be disturbed unless there is an emergency (give them examples of what you consider an emergency). A door cracked open could mean they can knock to see if it’s okay to come in.

Overcommunicate

Consistent, clear communication is important at work and home.

Talk with your colleagues about your weekly goals, and check in with each other to offer support throughout the week. When your plate is full, tell your supervisor, team, and other departments you can’t take on more work.

Let coworkers know how and when is best to communicate with you. Be aware of your tone and how what you say may be interpreted, especially in an email.

Talk with your family about your work responsibilities. Get everyone on board with your goals and schedule. This will help reinforce boundaries (like when they are allowed to interrupt your work day) and help them understand why this job is important to you.

Practice Self Care

Working remotely, while more flexible, requires a similar self-care routine as commuting to a job outside the home. It may be even more important if you work from home alone.

Take breaks in between project tasks or virtual meetings. Set an alarm to remind you to get up from your computer and drink a glass of water. Schedule time for a walk outside.

Pay attention to ergonomics. A sore neck, tired eyes, tight shoulder, or stiff hips are signs you may need to adjust your seat, keyboard, or monitor. Move and stretch often.

Keep work hours to the amount of time you’ve agreed to with your supervisor. If you own your own business, set guidelines for yourself (and any employees) that will clearly signal when it’s time to turn your attention to personal items.

It’s easy to let work stress slip into the rest of your family life, especially when your commute home from the office means turning a doorknob. An end-of-day ritual that creates separation physically and mentally can help you manage stress and effectively transition from work mindset to being fully present for your family or your own personal time.

At the end of the day, “I turn my computer off. I close the lid. I shut the door to the home office,” says Laura.

Laura Briggs is writing a book about remote work for military spouses, to be published in 2022 by Elva Resa Publishing.

The post Make Working Remotely Work for You appeared first on Military Family Life.

That’s why Lizann, The Seasoned Spouse, advises couples to be proactive and set aside time for financial planning when they are together. Good planning includes a budget for the present, setting long-term goals for the future, and recognizing how military life may affect spending and saving needs.

“A budget is a snapshot of where you are right now, as well as a schedule for where you want to be next month, or even a year from now.”

— Lizann Lightfoot

“A budget is a snapshot of where you are right now, as well as a schedule for where you want to be next month, or even a year from now,” says Lizann. “Think of it like a puzzle to solve, or a treasure hunt where you find all the hidden drains on your bank account. You can redirect that money from the drain into savings that could reduce stress during a move or deployment.”

Moving Money

A budget should balance income, expenses, and set aside money for unexpected expenses or emergencies. For military families, it’s especially helpful to have savings to bolster the budget during a move.

“Military couples can get thrown off their budget by a PCS,” says Lizann. “There are a lot of out-of-pocket expenses associated with moving, so having some money set aside is helpful. Even if you do a military-funded move, you may still need to transport pets or a second vehicle. Big expenses can throw off your usual spending plan for months afterwards.”

Also, every move brings plenty of smaller expenses that add up. Some of those may be reimbursed, but still require money up front.

Deployed Dollars

Deployment can also disrupt a military family’s budget, even if the deployment results in additional pay rather than additional expenses.

“Deployments involve a lot of changes and stress, for both the service member and the spouse,” says Lizann. “Financial difficulties add to that stress, so it’s important to get on the same page before deployment begins.”

Decisions about how to handle pay increases are easier to make when a couple can speak face to face, she says. It reduces the chance for disagreements about spending when separation makes communication more difficult. Another part of planning for being apart during deployment is deciding who will pay bills and how to handle unexpected expenses or financial decisions that arise between departure and homecoming.

Similarly, it’s good to have a plan for how to handle any pay increase, whether from a promotion or a bonus.

Looking Ahead

Even for young couples, it’s not too early to plan for retirement, says Lizann, whether or not they plan to stay in the military. Military members are eligible for different types of retirement and savings plans depending on when they began their service and how long they serve. Couples should find out what plan or plans apply to their family and decide how much to set aside for retirement planning or for college savings.

Financial planning, says Lizann, is not a one-time event. It’s an ongoing conversation and requires regular check-ups together. New babies, deployments, career changes, and moves will all require adjustments.

So make a date, light the candles, and get out the spreadsheets. It may not sound romantic, but togetherness in financial planning is a relationship investment that will pay off—not only with money in the bank, but also with confidence in each other—for many years to come.

The post Make a Date for Togetherness in Financial Planning appeared first on Military Family Life.

“If we don’t show that this life is hard, that military marriage is hard, parenting is hard, we aren’t being honest,” says Corie. “Without vulnerability or honesty, we risk miscommunicating. So many people are putting out their highlight reels on social media. If we do that, people start to measure themselves by what we’re putting out. We’re always doing our best to say we don’t have all the answers, but we can humbly offer what we do know.”

The Weathers know about moves, about kids changing school, leaving friends behind, and they know about deployment. Corie’s book, Sacred Spaces, grew out of the couple’s separate experiences during deployment and Corie’s separate travels to deployment locations. The book offers wisdom for couples navigating deployment, from before departure to after homecoming. First and foremost, says Corie, her book tells the truth about the difficulties of each phase.

“You have to do that, to validate what people are experiencing before you can go on to offer them help or ways to heal,” she says. “If nobody else is going to say out loud what we’re all experiencing, I’m going to say it.”

The response, says Corie, has been overwhelmingly positive, with military spouses and couples recognizing their own emotions in Corie’s story and realizing they’re not alone. She says it’s rewarding to hear from readers that telling her story authentically has made a difference for them.

“That experience of writing Sacred Spaces—taking that risk—and the response I still get from so many people, makes it even easier to keep putting myself out there. We don’t have to be ashamed to say that deployment is as hard as it is.”

–Corie Weathers

“That experience of writing Sacred Spaces—taking that risk—and the response I still get from so many people, makes it even easier to keep putting myself out there,” says Corie. “We don’t have to be ashamed to say that deployment is as hard as it is. Sometimes we reason it away. We think maybe someone else has it harder, or we look around and it looks like other people are handling it better, but it’s hard for all of us. Let’s talk about that.”

And she does. Corie and Matt stepped up to lead a series of virtual deployment workshops for the USO called “You’re Leaving … Again?” The monthly series coincides with Matt’s latest deployment, beginning before his departure. In the videos, which debut live and are made available as recordings, Corie and Matt talk through getting ready for deployment, departure, spending holidays apart, continuing throughout his absence–offering guidance and support for others going through the same experience.

Taking Risks

Sharing the events of deployment in real time is not without pitfalls. When Matt’s departure was delayed, a workshop that was supposed to happen two weeks after his departure ended up falling on the day he left. It was an emotional day, says Corie, but indicative of the way deployment happens. Schedules get changed, and families roll with it, but they still feel the effects of all that is happening to them. Corie led the live workshop on her own, with a surprise call-in from Matt while he was traveling.

The mission of the USO series and other similar events and projects, Corie says, is to validate the experiences of other military couples. For her and Matt, offering their story helps them work through their own experiences, making them accountable to each other and to those they hope to encourage.

“It is a risk, but Matt and I know our boundaries. We talk to each other about what we are ready to share,” says Corie. “When so much of our emotion is still right under the surface, it’s not time to share that. If I’m going to be authentic, and if I’m going to take a risk, I’m only going to share what I’ve learned a lesson from and what I have perspective on that could be helpful to someone. Other things I’m still wrestling with may need to be in the queue for the future.”

Setting Boundaries

Corie also has boundaries to protect her family and her time with them. With so much of her professional life connected to people and relationships, Corie’s goal is to spend weekends focusing only on her own family relationships.

Her personal self-care includes running “to clear the cobwebs” and to get alone to recharge her introvert batteries. In the big picture, she takes a yearly break during the holidays from events and speaking engagements and puts her Lifegiver podcast on hiatus. None of this time away is perfect, and there will always be interruptions, says Corie, but intentionality matters. Slowing down and stepping away offers time to evaluate, personally, spiritually, and relationally as the new year begins.

“I ask myself hard questions: Do I want to keep doing this? Am I in a healthy place?” says Corie. “I give myself permission each year to re-evaluate everything. It helps me recognize the things I actually love and enjoy. If there’s something I’m really dragging through, and don’t know why, I give myself permission to let it go if I need to.”

Knowing Limitations

As it was for many families, the long months of the pandemic were tough for the Weathers family, and Corie says she recognized she was nearing burnout. In addition to the disruptions of school and schedules, the family moved, and Matt began a deployment just as the holidays were beginning.

“I really hit the ceiling as far as maxing out my own capability,” she says. “It was too much, between moving, deployment, COVID, trying to work, both my kids being in a new school, the emotional challenges, working on my marriage. I knew I had to stop and listen to myself.”

In this season, too, Corie is mining her own experiences for ways to encourage military spouses, reminding them that self-care is not indulgent or selfish but necessary. For deployment, for the pandemic, or any challenge of military life, Corie says spouses aren’t simply looking for advice, they’re looking for someone who understands their experiences.

“They need more than a few practical tips for coping,” she says. “Authentic storytelling from someone who has been there is far more powerful. I wrote Sacred Spaces with that mindset, and when people hear a story that resonates, they’re going to say, ‘Me too,’ and we’re all going to get a little bit better.”

More about Corie Weathers and her book Sacred Spaces:

• Honoring Sacred Spaces in Marriage: Books Make a Difference magazine
• Say it Out Loud: Spouse Calls in Stars and Stripes

The post Corie Weathers: Sacred Spaces and Authentic Stories appeared first on Military Family Life.

When it comes to altered holiday plans, curtailed travel, and limited family gatherings, military families might wonder what all the fuss is about. We’ve been here before. Yes, we get it. It’s hard to be outside those holiday comfort zones, but we’ve learned that unusual times can inspire new ways to celebrate, ways that are still meaningful and memorable. Perhaps our experiences can offer a glimmer of hope for civilian friends and neighbors in this pandemic season.

When the holidays roll around, a military family often can’t gather around the holiday table with grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles. We may be in a new location without a large friend group—yet. Deployment or other circumstances might separate us from our spouses or—for active duty members—our children. Each holiday season is different from the last, so we don’t get used to the changes, we adapt.

It’s hard to be outside our comfort zones at the holidays, but we’ve learned that unusual times can inspire new ways to celebrate, ways that are still meaningful and memorable.

Whether stationed overseas or across the country, military families can’t rely on the comfort of visiting the same local light display or Christmas tree farm every year. We might be living in the mountains, the desert, or the tropics. It’s not as glamorous as it sounds. Sometimes it’s just lonely, but the lessons we’ve learned in those those difficult seasons could be helpful to military and civilians families this year. For everyone facing an unusual or difficult holiday season, here are some new ways to celebrate special days:

Lean on Friends

We may not have invented “framily”—friends who become like family—but military families knew it was a thing long before it had a name. We’ve celebrated some wonderful holidays with good friends when we couldn’t be with our family. If a big group isn’t practical, get together with a couple of friends. If gatherings aren’t possible, or if neighbors aren’t friends yet, connect by dropping off homemade holiday decorations or treats. Use this season to build new relationships. You might find someone else in need of friends to lean on.

Enjoy Simplicity

Sure, those big family gatherings are a lot of chaotic fun, but why not take advantage of simpler days while they’re available? Limited holiday options might mean less stress and money spent coordinating travel, preparing big meals, and making time for all the relatives. That also means more room to reflect on the meaning of holiday observances; more space to be mindful of moments with just a few special people. Chaos will surely return. For now, enjoy the benefits of quieter days while they’re here.

Branch Out

A pared down holiday offers another thing most holidays are short on: time. Holiday busy-ness doesn’t always leave time to try something new, but if this holiday is less full and busy, it could provide opportunities to branch out. Perhaps that could include sharing with someone in need, preparing meals, delivering food or clothing. Branching out could also include exploring where you are. Every time and place has its own flavor and opportunities that might not come again. Find something unique to the location or culture and incorporate it into the celebration this year. These experiences can create treasured memories and new traditions.

Be Present

Even if this isn’t the holiday you hoped for, it’s one that will never come again. Be there for it. Next year you might be with the loved ones you’re missing today, but for now enjoy the ones you’re with. Store up memories and stories to tell around the fire in years to come. Make a gratitude list. In every year there’s something to be thankful for, and your list may be longer than you realize.

Even in challenging times, celebrations are important. They remind us of what is essential, even when—or because—we have to be apart. With intentionality and openness to new experiences, even a difficult holiday can be a meaningful one.

Terri Barnes is the author of Spouse Calls: Messages From a Military Life, based on her long-running column in Stars and Stripes. She and her Air Force husband and their military family have celebrated unusual and meaningful holidays on multiple continents—sometimes on separate continents. Terri is also the editor of multiple award-winning books from Elva Resa Publishing.

More ideas and encouragement for the holidays:

• Keeping Traditions in Transition: Making Spirits Bright
• Deployment Holidays: Finding Reasons to Celebrate

The post New Ways to Celebrate: Military Life Offers Inspiration appeared first on Military Family Life.

“I don’t advise spouses to join a group to network if they’re just checking a box,” says Sue, an Air Force spouse. “That may sound counterintuitive from someone who runs a networking organization, but we need to change our mindset about what networking is. It should be organic, something that’s part of our everyday life, because every day is an opportunity to engage with people.” 

Some connections may be helpful in more ways than one, but relationships are likely to be stronger if they’re built on shared experience and genuine interest in others rather than self-interest. 

“I don’t want to see spouses falling into a serial-networking trap rather than developing real relationships.” Says Sue. “Those relationships are so important in military life.” 

Meaningful engagement can happen in the neighborhood, in a faith community, book club, or even at the commissary—anywhere people come together. This kind of networking is less about work and more about getting to know people. Joining a group for the purpose of career networking can’t replace having real relationships, where mutual helpfulness flourishes naturally. 

” … we need to change our mindset about what networking is. It should be organic, something that’s part of our everyday life, because every day is an opportunity to engage with people.”

–Sue Hoppin

“When you’re in the business of maintaining relationships, you don’t know how those relationships can benefit someone or what good things they will eventually accomplish,” she says. “Networking is a two-way street. It’s not all about what you can get from someone else. You also should think about what you can do for them.” 

Any relationship grows stronger when the participants look for ways to help one another, and networking can provide opportunities to pay it forward to other military spouses and friends. 

“Just because you and I have a relationship, and I may be in a position to help you, doesn’t necessarily mean you will be in a position to help me in return,” she says. “Our connection may or may not be helpful somewhere down the line, but that shouldn’t matter. I believe in putting good energy and good information out in the world. Something you can do might help someone else in ways you never expected.”

The best way to create networks and relationships, says Sue, is to focus on the person rather than what that person can do or who else they know.

“Put yourself out there and build authentic relationships,” she says, “that’s where the magic happens, not when we’re thinking of these relationships as purely transactional. Those least effective at networking are the ones keeping score. We can all help each other, and it’s those mutually beneficial relationships that help everything run.” 

Sue Hoppin wrote the essay “With a Little Help From My Friends” in Stories Around the Table: Laughter, Wisdom, and Strength in Military Life.

Connect with more expertise from Sue and other military spouses at the National Military Spouse Network website. Listen to Straight Talk with Sue every Monday at noon Eastern on the NMSN Facebook page, and check out the NMSN Instagram Live each Wednesday at 11:30 a.m. Eastern.

The post Meaningful Connections Create Strong Networks appeared first on Military Family Life.

“It all comes down to how you fill yourself up,” says Judy. “What do you do when you don’t have any more to give, but the demands on your life are such that you can’t check out? What resources have you put in place that you can draw on?”

“It all comes down to how you fill yourself up. What do you do when you don’t have any more to give, but … you can’t check out? What resources have you put in place that you can draw on?”

–Judy Davis

When the pandemic shutdown began in the United States, Judy was already managing a new way of life. Her husband, Geoff, was injured in a training accident in 2019, which resulted in the amputation of his left leg above the knee. The Davises had recently moved from Washington state to Texas to be closer to Brooke Army Medical Center in San Antonio for Geoff’s care.

For the previous months, Judy’s time and attention had been taken up by managing Geoff’s care and getting ready for the move. Not long before they were set to drive across country to Texas, Judy had experienced a stroke, likely brought on by stress. After her recovery, she couldn’t be behind the wheel for long periods, and Geoff had only been driving again for a couple of months.

“We had to let go of our expectations of what the road trip should be,” says Judy. “We took our time. We had to. It took ten days, when normally we would have done it in two. When we let go of our expectations of what the move was supposed to look like and what we had planned and just went with what was, it was a whole different experience. We had the time of our lives.”

After the move to Texas, Judy’s mom came for a two-week visit that stretched into several months when pandemic travel restrictions took effect. Judy’s caregiving responsibilities multiplied, as she cared for both her mother and her husband.

Judy recalls her stress levels shot up during this period, and none of her regular coping strategies were working. Her daughter suggested she try something new, watercolor painting. Using a set of Crayola watercolors she’d bought for her grandchildren, Judy put on some mellow music, picked up a brush, and started painting. Again, Judy found relief in letting go of expectations.

“I had never painted before, and I had no attachment to what the end result would be,” says Judy, “It’s not about the end product, it’s about the process of doing something that is so unfamiliar and getting absorbed by it, a positive something. I unleashed something my soul was craving.”

In the process she also discovered a hidden talent and has been selling her work and taking commissions for paintings. She shares her creations and Geoff’s woodworking on Instagram.

Judy recalls many times in military life when she felt overwhelmed, but none were more dramatic than her husband’s injury. At one particularly difficult point, she recalls someone suggested she read her own book, Right Side Up.

“They didn’t realize I had written it,” she laughs, “but honestly, I couldn’t read anything when my life was turned upside down. It’s important to build up resources and coping strategies before the crisis. Right Side Up is the book you need the minute you become a military spouse. You need to be handed Right Side Up and Military Spouse Journey, and that’s your life.”

Military Spouse Journey: Discover the Possibilities & Live Your Dreams is a book by by military spouses Kathie Hightower and Holly Scherer.

Difficult experiences offered Judy many opportunities to live out her own words, building on a foundation she had already established, even when events veered far off script. She rediscovered the importance of letting go of expectations, taking time for self-care and managing stress. For Judy, another important strategy when dealing with change is looking for the positive side of each challenge.

Judy says the pandemic restrictions—although complicating Geoff’s medical care in many ways—also reduced some of the busy-ness that was overwhelming her. She had left her work as a speaker and consultant to care for her husband full time after his injury, and she was taking little time for herself.

“It made me realize that my life had become just being a caretaker,” says Judy. “I will be that, but I also need more for me. There’s nothing wrong with that. That’s the gift quarantine gave me. I realized having something to fill me up and make my heart happy didn’t have to come second to taking care of my husband.”

“I realized having something to fill me up and make my heart happy didn’t have to come second to taking care of my husband.”

~ Judy Davis

Later, Judy and Geoff felt the effects of the pandemic in another way, when they were each diagnosed with COVID-19. Both have since recovered. Throughout these challenges, she says, painting gives her focus, time for herself, and opportunities to learn.

“I had an awareness that I wasn’t being true to myself, so I was open to hearing other things,” says Judy. “Immersing myself in artistic expression gives me a break from the stress of everyday life to teach myself something new. It frees me and fills me up. My mind gets full of things that are separate from the stress of my life. No choice that I make when I watercolor is going to impact my life.”

As Judy discovered on her cross-country trip, letting go of expectations is the key to finding joy in the journey.

Related stories from Military Family Life

• Managing Stress: Self-Care is not Selfish, featuring army wife and caregiver Pamela Stokes Eggleston
• Navigating the Emotions of Change, featuring Judy Davis
• Lifelong Military Friendships Grow with Care and Communication, featuring Kathie Hightower and Holly Scherer

The post Judy Davis: Strength to Draw On appeared first on Military Family Life.