“You can be respectful of boundaries and that [everyone] gets to have emotions and things they don’t want to share,” Rachel says. “But you can discuss the positive things you’ve written about with one another, and that can train your brain to look for more positive.”

Model Behavior

This can be an important exercise for parents to do with children, especially if the child may be reluctant to journal at first. According to Rachel, the best way to encourage children with an aversion to the activity is to model the behavior the parent would like to see.

“If a parent is doing it, kids will follow suit,” she says. “In any parenting situation, I advise parents to narrate their own thinking. Kids can’t learn from you if it’s just happening in your head.”

For example, a parent can say something like, “I’m struggling with this emotion. I’m going to sit down and journal about it. Do you want to sit with me?” By inviting their children to be a part of the process of journaling and expressing some thoughts out loud, parents can show children the benefits of journaling without telling them to do it.

Make a Judgement-Free Zone

It’s important for children to feel safe expressing (or not expressing) some of their emotions from their journal. But for them to feel safe, parents need to put the emphasis on the act of journaling—not the outcome of the journaling, says Rachel.

“Stop focusing on a child’s outcome. Focus on the improvement, effort, and process,” she says.

The more a child—or an adult, for that matter—journals, the more likely they may be to open up about those emotions, because they’ve had a chance to gain a bit of control over the way they are feeling.

“Processing through writing is very beneficial. We know the benefits of mindfulness and it’s the same thing,” Rachel says. “Get out of your head and write it down. One of the most important skills we can teach children is to recognize and analyze their own emotions.”

Build a Routine

Whether the routine is bedtime stories or Sunday pancakes, Rachel says the best way to incorporate journaling discussions is to build it into a routine.

“Whatever routines and rituals are already present, just build it in. Eventually it just becomes something you do,” she says. “You can be drawing versus writing. Anything that helps. Just build a daily or weekly habit.”

The time in-between family sessions can be just as important as the time in them, though. As children are learning to process their emotions, they need encouragement, space, and time, says Rachel.

Rachel’s journals for military families include Deployment Journal for Kids (2^nd edition), Deployment Journal for Spouses (3^rd edition), and Deployment Journal for Parents.

An author and educator focused on child development, Rachel Robertson combined her professional training and personal experience supporting herself and her two children through her husband’s military deployments to create a series of journals for families during deployment. All of her journals have been published by Elva Resa Publishing.

You may also be interested in reading:

Write It Out: Journals Help Kids Process Emotions (Military Family Life)
Journaling is a great way to help kids sort out the feelings they have about military life. The benefits of journaling are numerous. Rachel offers suggestions to help kids of any age get started with a journal, grouped by tips for kids in preschool, grade school, middle and high school.

Four Healthy Benefits of Journaling During Deployment (Military Family Life)
Self-care and self-expression are important for military spouses going through the stresses of deployment, and journaling during deployment provides both, says Rachel. She shares thoughts about four key benefits.

The post Journaling Together as a Family appeared first on Military Family Life.

“If we don’t show that this life is hard, that military marriage is hard, parenting is hard, we aren’t being honest,” says Corie. “Without vulnerability or honesty, we risk miscommunicating. So many people are putting out their highlight reels on social media. If we do that, people start to measure themselves by what we’re putting out. We’re always doing our best to say we don’t have all the answers, but we can humbly offer what we do know.”

The Weathers know about moves, about kids changing school, leaving friends behind, and they know about deployment. Corie’s book, Sacred Spaces, grew out of the couple’s separate experiences during deployment and Corie’s separate travels to deployment locations. The book offers wisdom for couples navigating deployment, from before departure to after homecoming. First and foremost, says Corie, her book tells the truth about the difficulties of each phase.

“You have to do that, to validate what people are experiencing before you can go on to offer them help or ways to heal,” she says. “If nobody else is going to say out loud what we’re all experiencing, I’m going to say it.”

The response, says Corie, has been overwhelmingly positive, with military spouses and couples recognizing their own emotions in Corie’s story and realizing they’re not alone. She says it’s rewarding to hear from readers that telling her story authentically has made a difference for them.

“That experience of writing Sacred Spaces—taking that risk—and the response I still get from so many people, makes it even easier to keep putting myself out there. We don’t have to be ashamed to say that deployment is as hard as it is.”

–Corie Weathers

“That experience of writing Sacred Spaces—taking that risk—and the response I still get from so many people, makes it even easier to keep putting myself out there,” says Corie. “We don’t have to be ashamed to say that deployment is as hard as it is. Sometimes we reason it away. We think maybe someone else has it harder, or we look around and it looks like other people are handling it better, but it’s hard for all of us. Let’s talk about that.”

And she does. Corie and Matt stepped up to lead a series of virtual deployment workshops for the USO called “You’re Leaving … Again?” The monthly series coincides with Matt’s latest deployment, beginning before his departure. In the videos, which debut live and are made available as recordings, Corie and Matt talk through getting ready for deployment, departure, spending holidays apart, continuing throughout his absence–offering guidance and support for others going through the same experience.

Taking Risks

Sharing the events of deployment in real time is not without pitfalls. When Matt’s departure was delayed, a workshop that was supposed to happen two weeks after his departure ended up falling on the day he left. It was an emotional day, says Corie, but indicative of the way deployment happens. Schedules get changed, and families roll with it, but they still feel the effects of all that is happening to them. Corie led the live workshop on her own, with a surprise call-in from Matt while he was traveling.

The mission of the USO series and other similar events and projects, Corie says, is to validate the experiences of other military couples. For her and Matt, offering their story helps them work through their own experiences, making them accountable to each other and to those they hope to encourage.

“It is a risk, but Matt and I know our boundaries. We talk to each other about what we are ready to share,” says Corie. “When so much of our emotion is still right under the surface, it’s not time to share that. If I’m going to be authentic, and if I’m going to take a risk, I’m only going to share what I’ve learned a lesson from and what I have perspective on that could be helpful to someone. Other things I’m still wrestling with may need to be in the queue for the future.”

Setting Boundaries

Corie also has boundaries to protect her family and her time with them. With so much of her professional life connected to people and relationships, Corie’s goal is to spend weekends focusing only on her own family relationships.

Her personal self-care includes running “to clear the cobwebs” and to get alone to recharge her introvert batteries. In the big picture, she takes a yearly break during the holidays from events and speaking engagements and puts her Lifegiver podcast on hiatus. None of this time away is perfect, and there will always be interruptions, says Corie, but intentionality matters. Slowing down and stepping away offers time to evaluate, personally, spiritually, and relationally as the new year begins.

“I ask myself hard questions: Do I want to keep doing this? Am I in a healthy place?” says Corie. “I give myself permission each year to re-evaluate everything. It helps me recognize the things I actually love and enjoy. If there’s something I’m really dragging through, and don’t know why, I give myself permission to let it go if I need to.”

Knowing Limitations

As it was for many families, the long months of the pandemic were tough for the Weathers family, and Corie says she recognized she was nearing burnout. In addition to the disruptions of school and schedules, the family moved, and Matt began a deployment just as the holidays were beginning.

“I really hit the ceiling as far as maxing out my own capability,” she says. “It was too much, between moving, deployment, COVID, trying to work, both my kids being in a new school, the emotional challenges, working on my marriage. I knew I had to stop and listen to myself.”

In this season, too, Corie is mining her own experiences for ways to encourage military spouses, reminding them that self-care is not indulgent or selfish but necessary. For deployment, for the pandemic, or any challenge of military life, Corie says spouses aren’t simply looking for advice, they’re looking for someone who understands their experiences.

“They need more than a few practical tips for coping,” she says. “Authentic storytelling from someone who has been there is far more powerful. I wrote Sacred Spaces with that mindset, and when people hear a story that resonates, they’re going to say, ‘Me too,’ and we’re all going to get a little bit better.”

More about Corie Weathers and her book Sacred Spaces:

• Honoring Sacred Spaces in Marriage: Books Make a Difference magazine
• Say it Out Loud: Spouse Calls in Stars and Stripes

The post Corie Weathers: Sacred Spaces and Authentic Stories appeared first on Military Family Life.

“For me, the most stressful part of a PCS is all the decisions that need to be made,” says Marine spouse Lizann Lightfoot, blogger at The Seasoned Spouse and author of the upcoming book, Open When You Love Someone in the Military. “I like to take time and research the options and weigh the pros and cons before making a big decision. A PCS is usually a whole string of decisions that need to be made quickly.”

Kellie Artis, army spouse and chief operating officer for Millie, says the unknowns of moving cause her the most stress, and those unknowns complicate all the decisions to be made.

“I have a hard time with abstract or ambiguous, and what is a PCS if not both of those things?” she says. “Moving to a new city is a bit frightening. You may not know what to expect when it comes to the culture, climate, commutes, all sorts of things.”

Finding out as much as possible about a new location as soon as possible helps Kelly alleviate her stress and apprehension.

“I immerse myself in research to try and get the full picture of what our lives will look like at the next duty,” she says. “I also firmly believe in making informed decisions based on fact and reality, so having a trusted place to turn to for information is key.”

Good communication helps military families reduce stress during a move, and Lizann recognizes it’s not always easy to keep that balance, when each spouse has different ways of handling the situation.

“It’s very difficult to truly make decisions together as a couple during a PCS move,” she says. “My husband excels in that environment (of transition), and he slips into military leader mode. The more I hesitate, the more he takes charge, then I feel even more stressed. Not only am I responsible for all the details for myself and our five children—I also feel like my ideas aren’t being heard or valued.”

Kellie and Lizann offer these ten ways to check stress at every stage of a move:

1 ~ Lizann: As a couple, my husband and I reduce conflict with regular conversations and check-ins about big decisions we have to make about schedules, housing, or schools.

2 ~ Kellie: I learn as much as I possibly can about the place we’re moving to and start to embrace the base before we get there to save time once we arrive. What are the schools like? Where is Target? What is there to do on the weekends?

3 ~ Lizann: Before we leave, we plan some family activities to take everyone’s mind off the move. Local activities from our “bucket list” or dinner out at a favorite restaurant.

4 ~ Kellie: If you have children, involve them at an age-appropriate level so they feel like participants and not baggage!

5 ~ Lizann: We give our kids opportunities to say goodbye to their favorite people and places.

6 ~ Kellie: Plan your route to include a few fun (and COVID-Safe) stops like National Parks and other outdoor adventures.

7 ~ Lizann: After we move, we use some of my husband’s leave days to do fun family events in the new area. This helps us begin to feel like locals in our new town.

8 ~ Kellie: We try to settle into a new place as quickly as possible, and this means meeting people as well as unpacking boxes. Don’t skip opportunities to connect with your neighbors or community because you’re buried in packing paper.

9 and 10 ~ Lizann and Kellie agree that organization and self-care are both important ways to alleviate PCS stress. They advise creating a PCS binder or file to keep track of important paperwork, checklists, receipts, and other essentials. This saves time and reduces worry, which makes more time for self-care: plenty of sleep, connection with friends, exercise, and healthy meals whenever possible.

More helpful ideas for PCS season from Military Family Life:

• Moving Kids: 5 Healthy Ways to Handle PCS
• Maria Reed’s Top Tips for Making a House a Home
• Get Organized for the Next Move

The post Ten Ways to Keep PCS Stress in Check appeared first on Military Family Life.

Terri Barnes, the author of Spouse Calls: Messages from a Military Life, says it’s important to talk to kids about the good and the bad of each move to help them through the experience. An Air Force spouse, Terri shepherded her three children through dozens of school changes and moves, as well as writing extensively about mobility as a military family columnist for Stars and Stripes.

“Transitions are part of every life, military or civilian,” she says. “Change is hard. Moving is hard, especially when we’re in the thick of it, but when we make it through as a family, it makes us stronger together and individually. Successful transitions give kids confidence they can navigate other challenges.”

“Transitions are part of every life, military or civilian … Successful transitions give kids confidence they can navigate other challenges.” ~Terri Barnes

Terri offers these suggestions for healthy ways to guide children through the emotions and experiences of moving:

Keep a Positive Attitude

Military parents and other experts agree children of any age react and respond to the attitudes of their parents. A parent’s positive outlook about moving fosters optimism for kids. Don’t promise a new place will be better, and don’t pressure kids to be happy about moving, but do show an open mind about the new experience ahead.

Model positive thinking and hopefulness. Moving involves anxiety and uncertainty for kids and parents alike, and honest age-appropriate conversations are important. However, it’s best to vent strong adult reactions and frustrations with other adults and not with children.

Make Time to Grieve

While it’s important to be positive, it’s also necessary to be honest about the difficult parts of moving. Moving involves loss, so it is healthy and necessary to grieve those losses. Give children time and space to talk about the move and cry about it if they want to. Let them know they are not alone in their sorrow.

In ways appropriate to each child’s understanding, parents can talk about what they will miss when they move, reassuring kids it’s okay to be sad, that sadness won’t last forever, and the family will stick together throughout.

“When my kids were sad, I didn’t want them to think they were alone,” says Terri. “Sometimes I talked about the friends I would miss and how I was sad too. At the same time, I reassured them we could live through it together.”

Look Back

Remind kids about previous move experiences and talk about how they felt before and after. This helps them remember how they succeeded in a new place before, and they can succeed and make friends again. If they are open to it, talk to children about what they would like to do the same or differently in an upcoming move. Encourage them to set goals and to recognize ways they have grown through the challenges of moving.

Not every departure is a sad one. Sometimes a move takes a child away from a difficult school situation or peer group. Talk about what kids are happy to leave behind and ways they hope their new school or community will be different. If appropriate, brainstorm ways they might be able to create better situations or relationships at a new place. Talk about what those difficult situations or relationships may have taught them.

Offer Choices

When it comes to military moves, so much is beyond the control of children—and parents too. Look for ways to give kids some control over their circumstances:

• Find ways kids can help with preparations for the move.

  

• Saying goodbye is important. Set aside time for children to say goodbye to friends, teachers, and any significant people in their lives. Talk to each child about how and when he or she would like to say goodbye. Some kids love a party, but others may prefer more low-key farewells. Parties can be overwhelming for some children, so be attentive to their wishes and temperaments.
• Let children plan the décor and arrangements for their bedrooms and play spaces in their new home.
• Encourage kids to look for interesting activities in the new community. Is there a national park or another attraction nearby? An interesting museum or park? Help them look forward and plan ways the family can get to know their new neighborhood after the move.

Provide Structure

The days before, during, and after a move can be chaotic. Try to maintain familiar routines as much as possible. Establish moving traditions and rituals, like a special take-out meal on moving day, building box castles after unpacking, or placing a traditional first picture or piece of furniture in a new home.

Although there are plenty of ways to handle transition in healthy ways, no one really gets used to moving, Terri cautions. She emphasizes the importance of setting reasonable expectations and giving kids time and space to adjust after moving.

“When it comes to moving, practice does not make perfect. It’s a new world each time.”

–Terri Barnes

“Each move is different. Everyone in the family will experience it differently and have emotional reactions that require care and attention,” she says. “As kids grow, moves will probably get harder instead of easier, because friends become more and more important to them. They will need more time to reconnect and find friends. When it comes to moving, practice does not make perfect. It’s a new world each time.”

Growth comes from facing challenges in healthy ways, and Terri says it’s good to help military kids remember every family faces difficulty, not just military families. For any of life’s challenges, children benefit from open communication and encouragement to look for ways to grow through difficulty.

“I never wanted my kids to feel sorry for themselves or think military life was all hardship. There are so many positives to this life. It’s healthy to accept the good and the bad, to learn how to handle the challenges that are part of every life. It’s not just about surviving one move—or ten. It’s about learning to survive and grow for a lifetime.”

Terri Barnes is the senior editor at Elva Resa Publishing and has written and contributed to several books about military life including Spouse Calls: Messages From a Military Life, and Stories Around the Table: Laughter, Wisdom, and Strength in Military Life. Terri’s three military children attended more than 25 schools from Pre-K to high school graduation.

More helpful information about transitions for military children on SeasonsofMyMilitaryStudent.com:

• New School: 5 Tips to Prepare Your Student 
• Good Goodbyes Build Resilience and Strong Relationships
• About the Seasons of Transition^TM

The post Moving Kids: 5 Healthy Ways to Handle PCS appeared first on Military Family Life.

Karen Pavlicin, author of Surviving Deployment and Life After Deployment, says couples should give themselves an adjustment period, at least as long as they were apart, and also recognize life together will be different after deployment.

“You will both have grown while you were apart,” says Karen. “You’ll need to accept each other and the changes that have taken place, so you can begin to grow together again.”

During deployment, couples will have separate and significant experiences, says Corie Weathers, author of Sacred Spaces: My Journey to the Heart of Military Marriage.

“Deployment changed my soldier and me,” says Corie, “so reconnecting means recognizing those changes and growing from there.”

As well as writing about preparing for deployment and reintegration, Karen and Corie also speak regularly to groups of military spouses about these and other military life issues.

Army wife Bri Barholm attended a reintegration retreat at Joint Base Lewis-McChord, Washington, where Corie was a featured speaker. Bri and her husband, Ronnie, have been through four deployments. Bri said she appreciated Corie’s wisdom about setting reasonable expectations about how soon and how much returning spouses may be willing to share about deployment.

“I’ve always been extremely sensitive to my own emotions, but also the emotions of others around me,” says Bri. “Corie explained empathic and warrior personalities … that maybe he won’t come home and want to tell me all of his feelings, even though I crave that. I felt like that was so eye-opening.”

Be Prepared

Bri says spouses should definitely prepare for the stresses of homecoming just as they prepare for the stresses of departure.

“We’re always so prepared for the whirlwind of them leaving,” she says, “but we don’t get much insight or preparation for when they return and how much different life can be.”

Sharing experiences with other military spouses is one way to find encouragement and support.

“It can be incredibly isolating when they come home, although your family is finally whole again,” she says. Knowing that you’re not alone is one of the most comforting feelings. Sometimes that’s all you need.”

Bri said she is learning patience, realizing it takes time to find a new normal for life after each deployment.

Move Forward

Karen and Corie agree that reconnection requires patience and willingness to move forward, rather than expect things to go back to the way they were before deployment.

Drawing together again also takes intentionality, practical steps, and actions that reconnect the relationship and create new connections

“Express pride in one another’s accomplishments and growth,” says Karen. “Talk about your time apart and honor each other’s sacrifices and experiences. Recognize that you each had challenges to overcome and work to understand how your spouse has grown and changed as a result.”

As you talk through experiences during deployment, it’s also important to discuss your expectations as a couple for life after deployment, Corie agrees.

Talk About It

“Over-communicate rather than under-communicate,” says Corie. “Keep assumptions at bay. Don’t test your spouse by staying quiet on what you need and hoping they will be able to guess. Set each other up for a win by giving each other opportunities to win.”

As absence makes the heart grow fonder, time apart makes it easier to forget the irritations of daily life and remember the best part of marriage. Karen advises couples to hold on to the positivity while recognizing conflicts will occur too.

“Separations don’t usually solve problems; past conflicts may re-emerge after homecoming,” says Karen. “Commit together to work through them when they arise.”

Ten Tips for Reconnecting after Deployment from Karen and Corie at SurvivingDeployment.com

The post Reconnecting After Deployment Takes Time appeared first on Military Family Life.

“The world is complicated,” Lisa says, “Raising kids and keeping a marriage intact is about as easy as juggling wolverines. Handling the stresses and complication of family life with humor has always been my best coping strategy.”

She began laughing at life early on and was named “Class Clown” in middle school and again in high school. “Being funny was a way to fit in, to find friends, to entertain,” Lisa says. “Later it became way to ease tensions and get through tough chapters and the daily grind too.”

When Lisa became a mom and later had middle schoolers of her own, being able to take life with a dose of humor became even more important. Writing became another outlet for her, one that merged easily with her ability to find something funny in most situations.

Lisa says she was often  stressed by the details of her busy routine as a wife and mother of three. In her years of military life, that meant deployments and frequent moves. However, she says it was the minutiae of a hyperconnected world that threatened to overwhelm her.

“There’s so much to keep track of,” she says. “Coffee pods and car pools, gluten and global warming, social media and salad spinners. Humor always helped me keep perspective, to sort through the never-ending details and demands to find what really matters—and more importantly—what doesn’t.”

“Humor always helped me keep perspective, to sort through the never-ending details and demands to find what really matters—and more importantly—what doesn’t.”

   — Lisa Smith Molinari

By applying her sense of humor, Lisa says she was able to see that much of what bogged her down in life was inconsequential.

“Laughing at the trivial things in my daily life helps me face my fears and insecurities and focus on what’s most important to my family — like snuggling with the dog, the finer points of making popcorn, and never missing an episode of Survivor.”

Lisa began to pursue a career as newspaper columnist in 2010 after having an essay about marriage published in the Washington Post. Her weekly column The Meat and Potatoes of Life now appears in Stars and Stripes, reaching military communities all over the world. The column is also published in dozens of newspapers across the country. In 2018, Lisa won a first-place award for humor columns from the National Society of Newspaper Columnists.

That doesn’t mean her three kids always think she is funny, but her husband, Francis, is fond of a good joke and doesn’t mind when the laugh is on him. Still, Lisa says using humor to cope has limits. She offers this advice for laughing through challenges without laughing off what’s important:

Self-deprecatory humor is one of the best ways to put others at ease. Don’t take it too far, or it looks like fishing for compliments.

When communicating a valid complaint to a family member, approach with a bit of humor to soften the blow. My daughter once offered this well-strategized compliment to my husband with a surprised smile: “Daddy, your breath doesn’t stink today!”

Playful banter between family members can be a blast, but relentlessly busting each other’s chops can lead to hurt feelings. Pay attention to reactions, and don’t take a joke so far that it’s disrespectful.

Different people are comfortable with different kinds of humor. Know what’s appropriate for each family member. I might appreciate the risque joke my husband heard in the locker room, but if he tells it on  taco night in front of the kids, I’ll find it about as funny as a screen door on a submarine.

Be careful with sarcasm or snark.  It can come across as abrasive  when you should be shooting for playful. Remember, you love your family, so don’t put them down just for a laugh.

“Humor has been such a significant part of our family life,” says Lisa. “Our family sees it as a virtue, as laudable as courage, integrity and good character. Over the years, I’ve shown our children all the ways good humor can be a useful tool in dealing with grumpy people, mediocre grades, dust bunnies, and bad breath…. and when all else fails, impromptu dance parties in the kitchen make any day better.”

Lisa Smith Molinari is also a coauthor of Stories Around the Table: Laughter, Wisdom, and Strength in Military Life and has contributed to two editions of Chicken Soup for the Soul. Read more about Lisa’s work on her website The Meat and Potatoes of Life.

The post But Seriously: 5 Ways to Handle Family Life with Humor appeared first on Military Family Life.

Honor traditions. Don’t underestimate importance of continuity and beloved rituals in a time of change. Familiar celebrations are comforting. Modify if necessary when managing the holidays on your own, but keep some familiar traditions.

Start new traditions. Deployment may be a good time to try new ways to celebrate. For some children in military families, the usual celebrations seem sadder without mom or dad, while others may take comfort in them. Involve kids in family decisions about how to celebrate during holiday separations. Encourage their creativity, while being sensitive to their need for continuity.

Celebrate long distance. If possible, plan a video chat with the deployed parent/spouse during a family holiday party or dinner. Send care packages ahead of time with treats and decorations, if deployment conditions allow. Ask the deployed loved one to send a decoration from their location, if possible. The more unusual, the better!

Focus on the meaning of the holidays. Regardless of which holidays a family celebrates, all are enhanced by kindness, caring, love, and peace. Focus on the things to be grateful for instead of the things that are difficult.

Document the event. Take photos and videos. Take notes! Create a scrapbook of the holidays to share later. Kids and teens might enjoy taking photos or sharing creatively on social media. Don’t forget to use good operational security as needed.

Take care of yourself. While caring for children during deployment, it’s important for spouses at home to care for themselves too. Talk about feelings, spend time with friends; pay attention to good eating and sleeping habits.

Don’t be alone. Celebrate with other military families. Invite family to visit, or go to visit them. It is okay–in fact it is healthy–to ask for support.

Talk. Provide an open atmosphere for children and parents to share their feelings, modeling positive communication together. If the kids know Mom and Dad are sad, too — but are still able to be hopeful and happy — they will feel much better.

Spread the cheer. Reaching out to help someone else can shift the focus to the positive. Help a new military family, donate toys, visit a nursing home, or serve at the chow hall. Helping others is a healthy way to distract from loneliness and a great example  for children.

For military families and children, life is full of change, new schools and neighborhoods, friends who move, and deployed parents. Holidays full of laughter, traditions old and new, and quality family time provide continuity in military life and memories to last a lifetime.

Rachel Robertson is an educator specializing in childhood development. Her series of journals for military families going through deployment, include Deployment Journal for Spouses (3rd Edition) Memories and Milestones, Deployment Journal for Parents, and Deployment Journal for Kids.

The post Deployment Holiday Separations: Finding Reasons to Celebrate appeared first on Military Family Life.

“In helping professions … there’s a lot of pouring out,” says military spouse Corie Weathers, author of Sacred Spaces: My Journey to the Heart of Military Marriage. “In both military and first-responder marriages, I see people sacrificing themselves to take care of others.”

Corie is a licensed professional counselor. Her husband, Matt, is an army chaplain. The two often work side-by-side, leading marriage retreats and other events focused on healthy military marriage.

No one can pour out all the time without pouring in as well to sustain their own relationships, so Corie and Matt give priority to their marriage and their two sons.

“Matt and I ask each other often, ‘Where are we giving our best?’ We know we need to save some of that for each other. If I’m giving everything during the day at work, I have nothing left. That’s not fair to my family. Our job and our calling is to invest in people, but to keep doing that sometimes we have to do the exact opposite, to circle the wagons around our own relationship.”

Corie also feels a responsibility to live out the advice she gives as a counselor, speaker, and author. One piece of advice she offers is to “Pursue your spouse.” She explains that pursuing means being proactive in the relationship, to take actions to avoid problems, or to make the first step toward reconciliation when issues arise.

Corie offers some of her own best practices for pursuing a healthy marriage:

• Put phones away: Dinner time is not screen time for anybody. We have a charging station, and we try to put our phones there after 5 p.m., so they don’t follow us to the couch or the dinner table. We don’t always follow this perfectly. Sometimes a call or email is necessary, but we put our phones away otherwise.
• Evenings together: After 8 p.m. is my time with Matt. Kids have bed time, or reading time, so Matt and I can pay attention to each other. This varies by the needs of your children, but it’s important to make time together a priority.
• Date night: We try to go out together as a couple at least once a week. Sometimes this just means getting outside together to take a walk without the kids.
• Exhaustion only as necessary: Sometimes a particular work situation requires our undivided attention and all our energy, but we make this the exception rather than the rule. The rest of the time, we save our best for one another.
• Regular check ins: We say to one another, “You’ve been giving a lot lately. What do you need?” This means that we also have to pay attention to what the other is doing and giving, as well as to ourselves.

Corie Weathers is an army chaplain’s wife and the author of Sacred Spaces: My Journey to the Heart of Military Marriage. She is also the host of the Lifegiver Podcast, supporting healthy marriages for military and first-responder couples.

The post Unplug and Tune in to Maintain a Healthy Marriage appeared first on Military Family Life.