“If we don’t show that this life is hard, that military marriage is hard, parenting is hard, we aren’t being honest,” says Corie. “Without vulnerability or honesty, we risk miscommunicating. So many people are putting out their highlight reels on social media. If we do that, people start to measure themselves by what we’re putting out. We’re always doing our best to say we don’t have all the answers, but we can humbly offer what we do know.”

The Weathers know about moves, about kids changing school, leaving friends behind, and they know about deployment. Corie’s book, Sacred Spaces, grew out of the couple’s separate experiences during deployment and Corie’s separate travels to deployment locations. The book offers wisdom for couples navigating deployment, from before departure to after homecoming. First and foremost, says Corie, her book tells the truth about the difficulties of each phase.

“You have to do that, to validate what people are experiencing before you can go on to offer them help or ways to heal,” she says. “If nobody else is going to say out loud what we’re all experiencing, I’m going to say it.”

The response, says Corie, has been overwhelmingly positive, with military spouses and couples recognizing their own emotions in Corie’s story and realizing they’re not alone. She says it’s rewarding to hear from readers that telling her story authentically has made a difference for them.

“That experience of writing Sacred Spaces—taking that risk—and the response I still get from so many people, makes it even easier to keep putting myself out there. We don’t have to be ashamed to say that deployment is as hard as it is.”

–Corie Weathers

“That experience of writing Sacred Spaces—taking that risk—and the response I still get from so many people, makes it even easier to keep putting myself out there,” says Corie. “We don’t have to be ashamed to say that deployment is as hard as it is. Sometimes we reason it away. We think maybe someone else has it harder, or we look around and it looks like other people are handling it better, but it’s hard for all of us. Let’s talk about that.”

And she does. Corie and Matt stepped up to lead a series of virtual deployment workshops for the USO called “You’re Leaving … Again?” The monthly series coincides with Matt’s latest deployment, beginning before his departure. In the videos, which debut live and are made available as recordings, Corie and Matt talk through getting ready for deployment, departure, spending holidays apart, continuing throughout his absence–offering guidance and support for others going through the same experience.

Taking Risks

Sharing the events of deployment in real time is not without pitfalls. When Matt’s departure was delayed, a workshop that was supposed to happen two weeks after his departure ended up falling on the day he left. It was an emotional day, says Corie, but indicative of the way deployment happens. Schedules get changed, and families roll with it, but they still feel the effects of all that is happening to them. Corie led the live workshop on her own, with a surprise call-in from Matt while he was traveling.

The mission of the USO series and other similar events and projects, Corie says, is to validate the experiences of other military couples. For her and Matt, offering their story helps them work through their own experiences, making them accountable to each other and to those they hope to encourage.

“It is a risk, but Matt and I know our boundaries. We talk to each other about what we are ready to share,” says Corie. “When so much of our emotion is still right under the surface, it’s not time to share that. If I’m going to be authentic, and if I’m going to take a risk, I’m only going to share what I’ve learned a lesson from and what I have perspective on that could be helpful to someone. Other things I’m still wrestling with may need to be in the queue for the future.”

Setting Boundaries

Corie also has boundaries to protect her family and her time with them. With so much of her professional life connected to people and relationships, Corie’s goal is to spend weekends focusing only on her own family relationships.

Her personal self-care includes running “to clear the cobwebs” and to get alone to recharge her introvert batteries. In the big picture, she takes a yearly break during the holidays from events and speaking engagements and puts her Lifegiver podcast on hiatus. None of this time away is perfect, and there will always be interruptions, says Corie, but intentionality matters. Slowing down and stepping away offers time to evaluate, personally, spiritually, and relationally as the new year begins.

“I ask myself hard questions: Do I want to keep doing this? Am I in a healthy place?” says Corie. “I give myself permission each year to re-evaluate everything. It helps me recognize the things I actually love and enjoy. If there’s something I’m really dragging through, and don’t know why, I give myself permission to let it go if I need to.”

Knowing Limitations

As it was for many families, the long months of the pandemic were tough for the Weathers family, and Corie says she recognized she was nearing burnout. In addition to the disruptions of school and schedules, the family moved, and Matt began a deployment just as the holidays were beginning.

“I really hit the ceiling as far as maxing out my own capability,” she says. “It was too much, between moving, deployment, COVID, trying to work, both my kids being in a new school, the emotional challenges, working on my marriage. I knew I had to stop and listen to myself.”

In this season, too, Corie is mining her own experiences for ways to encourage military spouses, reminding them that self-care is not indulgent or selfish but necessary. For deployment, for the pandemic, or any challenge of military life, Corie says spouses aren’t simply looking for advice, they’re looking for someone who understands their experiences.

“They need more than a few practical tips for coping,” she says. “Authentic storytelling from someone who has been there is far more powerful. I wrote Sacred Spaces with that mindset, and when people hear a story that resonates, they’re going to say, ‘Me too,’ and we’re all going to get a little bit better.”

More about Corie Weathers and her book Sacred Spaces:

• Honoring Sacred Spaces in Marriage: Books Make a Difference magazine
• Say it Out Loud: Spouse Calls in Stars and Stripes

The post Corie Weathers: Sacred Spaces and Authentic Stories appeared first on Military Family Life.

Karen Pavlicin, author of Surviving Deployment and Life After Deployment, says couples should give themselves an adjustment period, at least as long as they were apart, and also recognize life together will be different after deployment.

“You will both have grown while you were apart,” says Karen. “You’ll need to accept each other and the changes that have taken place, so you can begin to grow together again.”

During deployment, couples will have separate and significant experiences, says Corie Weathers, author of Sacred Spaces: My Journey to the Heart of Military Marriage.

“Deployment changed my soldier and me,” says Corie, “so reconnecting means recognizing those changes and growing from there.”

As well as writing about preparing for deployment and reintegration, Karen and Corie also speak regularly to groups of military spouses about these and other military life issues.

Army wife Bri Barholm attended a reintegration retreat at Joint Base Lewis-McChord, Washington, where Corie was a featured speaker. Bri and her husband, Ronnie, have been through four deployments. Bri said she appreciated Corie’s wisdom about setting reasonable expectations about how soon and how much returning spouses may be willing to share about deployment.

“I’ve always been extremely sensitive to my own emotions, but also the emotions of others around me,” says Bri. “Corie explained empathic and warrior personalities … that maybe he won’t come home and want to tell me all of his feelings, even though I crave that. I felt like that was so eye-opening.”

Be Prepared

Bri says spouses should definitely prepare for the stresses of homecoming just as they prepare for the stresses of departure.

“We’re always so prepared for the whirlwind of them leaving,” she says, “but we don’t get much insight or preparation for when they return and how much different life can be.”

Sharing experiences with other military spouses is one way to find encouragement and support.

“It can be incredibly isolating when they come home, although your family is finally whole again,” she says. Knowing that you’re not alone is one of the most comforting feelings. Sometimes that’s all you need.”

Bri said she is learning patience, realizing it takes time to find a new normal for life after each deployment.

Move Forward

Karen and Corie agree that reconnection requires patience and willingness to move forward, rather than expect things to go back to the way they were before deployment.

Drawing together again also takes intentionality, practical steps, and actions that reconnect the relationship and create new connections

“Express pride in one another’s accomplishments and growth,” says Karen. “Talk about your time apart and honor each other’s sacrifices and experiences. Recognize that you each had challenges to overcome and work to understand how your spouse has grown and changed as a result.”

As you talk through experiences during deployment, it’s also important to discuss your expectations as a couple for life after deployment, Corie agrees.

Talk About It

“Over-communicate rather than under-communicate,” says Corie. “Keep assumptions at bay. Don’t test your spouse by staying quiet on what you need and hoping they will be able to guess. Set each other up for a win by giving each other opportunities to win.”

As absence makes the heart grow fonder, time apart makes it easier to forget the irritations of daily life and remember the best part of marriage. Karen advises couples to hold on to the positivity while recognizing conflicts will occur too.

“Separations don’t usually solve problems; past conflicts may re-emerge after homecoming,” says Karen. “Commit together to work through them when they arise.”

Ten Tips for Reconnecting after Deployment from Karen and Corie at SurvivingDeployment.com

The post Reconnecting After Deployment Takes Time appeared first on Military Family Life.