When it comes to altered holiday plans, curtailed travel, and limited family gatherings, military families might wonder what all the fuss is about. We’ve been here before. Yes, we get it. It’s hard to be outside those holiday comfort zones, but we’ve learned that unusual times can inspire new ways to celebrate, ways that are still meaningful and memorable. Perhaps our experiences can offer a glimmer of hope for civilian friends and neighbors in this pandemic season.

When the holidays roll around, a military family often can’t gather around the holiday table with grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles. We may be in a new location without a large friend group—yet. Deployment or other circumstances might separate us from our spouses or—for active duty members—our children. Each holiday season is different from the last, so we don’t get used to the changes, we adapt.

It’s hard to be outside our comfort zones at the holidays, but we’ve learned that unusual times can inspire new ways to celebrate, ways that are still meaningful and memorable.

Whether stationed overseas or across the country, military families can’t rely on the comfort of visiting the same local light display or Christmas tree farm every year. We might be living in the mountains, the desert, or the tropics. It’s not as glamorous as it sounds. Sometimes it’s just lonely, but the lessons we’ve learned in those those difficult seasons could be helpful to military and civilians families this year. For everyone facing an unusual or difficult holiday season, here are some new ways to celebrate special days:

Lean on Friends

We may not have invented “framily”—friends who become like family—but military families knew it was a thing long before it had a name. We’ve celebrated some wonderful holidays with good friends when we couldn’t be with our family. If a big group isn’t practical, get together with a couple of friends. If gatherings aren’t possible, or if neighbors aren’t friends yet, connect by dropping off homemade holiday decorations or treats. Use this season to build new relationships. You might find someone else in need of friends to lean on.

Enjoy Simplicity

Sure, those big family gatherings are a lot of chaotic fun, but why not take advantage of simpler days while they’re available? Limited holiday options might mean less stress and money spent coordinating travel, preparing big meals, and making time for all the relatives. That also means more room to reflect on the meaning of holiday observances; more space to be mindful of moments with just a few special people. Chaos will surely return. For now, enjoy the benefits of quieter days while they’re here.

Branch Out

A pared down holiday offers another thing most holidays are short on: time. Holiday busy-ness doesn’t always leave time to try something new, but if this holiday is less full and busy, it could provide opportunities to branch out. Perhaps that could include sharing with someone in need, preparing meals, delivering food or clothing. Branching out could also include exploring where you are. Every time and place has its own flavor and opportunities that might not come again. Find something unique to the location or culture and incorporate it into the celebration this year. These experiences can create treasured memories and new traditions.

Be Present

Even if this isn’t the holiday you hoped for, it’s one that will never come again. Be there for it. Next year you might be with the loved ones you’re missing today, but for now enjoy the ones you’re with. Store up memories and stories to tell around the fire in years to come. Make a gratitude list. In every year there’s something to be thankful for, and your list may be longer than you realize.

Even in challenging times, celebrations are important. They remind us of what is essential, even when—or because—we have to be apart. With intentionality and openness to new experiences, even a difficult holiday can be a meaningful one.

Terri Barnes is the author of Spouse Calls: Messages From a Military Life, based on her long-running column in Stars and Stripes. She and her Air Force husband and their military family have celebrated unusual and meaningful holidays on multiple continents—sometimes on separate continents. Terri is also the editor of multiple award-winning books from Elva Resa Publishing.

More ideas and encouragement for the holidays:

• Keeping Traditions in Transition: Making Spirits Bright
• Deployment Holidays: Finding Reasons to Celebrate

The post New Ways to Celebrate: Military Life Offers Inspiration appeared first on Military Family Life.

Begin Before Goodbye

Kids begin feeling the effects of deployment even before their service member parent departs, so conversations between parents and kids about what they think and feel about deployment should begin before it’s time to say goodbye.  

“Like their parents, kids have fears and anxieties about this experience,” says Karen Pavlicin, author of Surviving Deployment: A Guide for Military Families. “In the lead-up to deployment, involve them in appropriate ways. Be sure they feel included and that their feelings are heard.”   

Kids begin feeling the effects of deployment even before their service member parent departs.

It’s also important to hear kids’ concerns about deployment to clear up any misunderstandings or any worries they have that may be unfounded or disproportionate to the situation.  

“Ask them what they are thinking about,” says Karen. “You may be able to calm some of their worries right away.”  

Before departure, give children opportunities to spend one-on-one time with the deploying parent.

“Departure day is usually busy and emotional,” says Karen. “Take time together before that crazy day to give kids a chance to ask questions, talk, and have fun. The good memories will help them cope with tough days following the goodbyes.”

Provide Sense of Stability  

Children also benefit from stability at home to maintain a sense of security during deployment. Something as simple as maintaining daily routines can reassure kids they can depend on their family, even when one parent is absent. Julie Provost, a military spouse blogger at Soldier’s Wife Crazy Life says children need to know their parents are always ready to support them.  

Something as simple as maintaining daily routines can reassure kids they can depend on their family, even when one parent is absent.

“One of the things I do to give my kids a sense of security and stability when my husband is gone,” says Julie, “is by letting them know it is okay to come to me anytime they are upset, scared or just unsure about what is going on. I want them to know I am here for them one hundred percent.”  

Pay Attention to Feelings  

Sometimes, even with a supportive parent available to listen, kids find it difficult to talk about their worries or emotions about deployment, or even to know what their feelings are. For those times, journaling can be a useful activity, says Rachel Robertson, author of  Deployment Journal for Kids and an expert in early childhood development for Bright Horizons Family Solutions.  

“Keeping a journal is a proven tool for helping children manage stress and process complex emotions,” she says.  

Children may be feeling emotions they can’t understand or communicate.

Children may be feeling emotions they can’t understand or communicate, says Rachel. A journal gives them a place to express their feelings and sort them out.

 Journaling is also an activity easily tailored to each child’s age and ability. It can be completely personal or interactive with parents. Preschoolers can draw pictures and decorate their journal pages. Older children can write stories, songs, or poems, as well as daily happenings and thoughts.

Rachel emphasizes that playtime is important for children too, offering another way for kids to process their thoughts and feelings in a concrete way. 

“Play is the way children process life,” she says. “They don’t often have the words to talk about how they feel, so one way to find out about what is on their minds and what they’re feeling is to observe their play.” 

Find Ways to Take Action

Children are encouraged when they have positive ways to put their feelings and concerns into action. They could take action by volunteering in the community or place of worship, helping with household chores, or creating care packages for their deployed parent.

Karen says kids also enjoy being able to reach out to a deployed parent in meaningful and concrete ways. Writing letters, drawing, painting, and making homemade gifts provide creative outlets for kids and ways to communicate love and support for an absent parent.

To support kids during deployment, offer them positive ways to put their feelings and concerns into action.

Children can also keep a list of questions or news to share with a deployed parent at the next phone call or video chat. When kids have a question but can’t talk to their parent, writing it down gives them a place to put their thoughts. Having a list of topics may also help alleviate the shyness some kids feel when they get on the phone or video chat.  

Even activities not directly connected to deployment provide parents and kids with more opportunities to interact, offering a window into how kids are coping. Keeping daily routines, journaling, playing, and other activities are comforting to kids and also encourage ongoing, daily communication between parents and children.

“Give children plenty of reassurance,” Karen says. ”Throughout deployment they need to know your family is united, even when you’re apart.”

More about supporting kids during deployment:

• Deployment Goodbye: Preparation Eases Departure Sorrow 
• Write It Out: Journals Help Kids Process Emotions
• Playtime: 10 Ways to Brighten Deployment Days
• Children and Emotions from SurvivingDeployment.com

The post Four Essentials for Supporting Kids During Deployment appeared first on Military Family Life.

Feeling at home makes a difference to military families in important ways, says Maria, whose show features  surprise home makeovers for military families, helping them create a sense of home wherever they live.

“Having a place to call home contributes to our emotional well-being, self-esteem, and self-confidence, and is vital to being mission-ready,” she says. “Military families spend a lot of time away from their traditional support systems. They build resiliency by finding a home, forming strong bonds in their military community. It may feel like the only family they have.”

“Having a place to call home contributes to our emotional well-being, self-esteem, and self-confidence, and is vital to being mission-ready.”

–Maria Reed

On her makeover show, Maria helps military families personalize their homes, offering strategies to make the most of living spaces, both practically and aesthetically. She believes it’s important to prioritize moving into a new space and getting settled as part of acclimating to a new duty assignment.

“Military families learn to be at home everywhere, but connectedness often centers around items in our homes which evoke memories,” Maria says. “It’s important for us to feel at home in the house we live in.”

Don’t Wait

Military families don’t have the luxury of time when it comes to moving in and decorating a home.

“Do it now!” says Maria.

After moving to a new place, Maria begins by getting her two children settled in their spaces and including them in the process.

“Moving is a great time to redesign their space with a new theme, bedding, or color. They need to feel comfortable in their new space,” Maria says. In the upheaval of a move, kids appreciate having some control over their lives and living space.

Next, Maria’s family designates an area for a “command center,” a place to put backpacks and shoes, as well as post the family calendar and schedule.

“Everything flows from there,” she says, adding that the location may differ in every house. “We have had command centers in garages, laundry rooms, storage closets.”

Even after getting settled, Maria says there are many ways to give living spaces home-like qualities and make them more useful, too. Sometimes just rearranging the furniture can make a difference. She says furniture placement and use of space should fit the flow and pattern of activities in the home.

For making home anywhere on a military budget, Maria offers these tips and techniques:

Shop at Home

Evaluate the accessories or fixtures you already have and try them out in other spaces. The best time to do this is right before or after a move, but you can do it anytime. Sometimes with all the packing and moving around, we forget what we even have. A quick sweep of all your rooms might spark new placement ideas for an old lamp that’s been sitting in a back room. Instead of buying a new piece of furniture, refurbish an existing piece with chalk paint, stain, or decoupage.

Top to Bottom

Use vertical spaces as well as horizontal. When items go up on walls we tend to feel more grounded in that space. Hang curtains, install shelves and art work. For the floors, whether we rent, buy or live on post, I am a fan of large area rugs. They can disguise a less-than-desirable floor, and they add color, visual interest and texture. Layering rugs over rugs is great, too.

Add Accents

Enjoy a fresh coat of paint and a pop of color! Paint or removable wallpaper on an accent or focal wall can make an impact on the overall feel of a space. So what if you have to paint it back to the original color? Do it! Also, when you purchase large pieces of furniture, keep it neutral. Then you can add pops of color with handmade throw pillows and accessories.

Collection or Clutter

Group like items and display them as a collection. We tend to buy a lot of little décor items, maybe because they’re affordable or because we’re living in a small space; and small items are easier to pack and move. I totally get that. So now, what do you do to keep these from looking like clutter? Gather all your artwork and accessories and look at what you have and group like items together. When displaying items of the same height, elevate a few using a plinth. (Anything can be a plinth, a from a piece of wood to a stack of books.) Displaying objects at varying heights will gives a more designer look.

Oh, the Places You’ve Been

Create a gallery wall. Can you have too many photos? Not on social media, but for your home? Well, maybe. To emphasize your favorites for a cohesive display, make large prints of a few of your favorite photos and display them together. Maps and artifacts from your travels add dimension to the story-telling power of the gallery. Then, use a digital frame to include more photos and continue telling your stories.

Go Green

Adding plants to a space makes any room feel alive and helps improve the air quality. Use plants to create a visual interest by hanging them on a wall, or on shelves. Put a plant on the floor to fill a corner or on a table to add color. Keep in mind amount of sunlight in your space when choosing plants. Choose plants that are easy to grow. Faux plants look great too.

“Environment is important to the wellbeing of any family, especially a home environment,” says Maria. “For us, answering the question, ‘Where is home?’ can be tough, but it’s not about geography. Home is anywhere we find security, control, belonging, identity, peace. It is a place to heal from the challenges of military life.”

Finding a sense of home takes work and intention in a mobile life, but it’s certainly possible, says Maria. From stateside and overseas, military quarters to civilian neighborhoods, military families can create home anywhere.

Ways to declutter and Get Organized for the Next Move

More decorating tips from Maria Reed

Feature about Maria Reed for AUSA by Terri Barnes

Episodes of Moving with the Military

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Karen Pavlicin, author of Surviving Deployment and Life After Deployment, says couples should give themselves an adjustment period, at least as long as they were apart, and also recognize life together will be different after deployment.

“You will both have grown while you were apart,” says Karen. “You’ll need to accept each other and the changes that have taken place, so you can begin to grow together again.”

During deployment, couples will have separate and significant experiences, says Corie Weathers, author of Sacred Spaces: My Journey to the Heart of Military Marriage.

“Deployment changed my soldier and me,” says Corie, “so reconnecting means recognizing those changes and growing from there.”

As well as writing about preparing for deployment and reintegration, Karen and Corie also speak regularly to groups of military spouses about these and other military life issues.

Army wife Bri Barholm attended a reintegration retreat at Joint Base Lewis-McChord, Washington, where Corie was a featured speaker. Bri and her husband, Ronnie, have been through four deployments. Bri said she appreciated Corie’s wisdom about setting reasonable expectations about how soon and how much returning spouses may be willing to share about deployment.

“I’ve always been extremely sensitive to my own emotions, but also the emotions of others around me,” says Bri. “Corie explained empathic and warrior personalities … that maybe he won’t come home and want to tell me all of his feelings, even though I crave that. I felt like that was so eye-opening.”

Be Prepared

Bri says spouses should definitely prepare for the stresses of homecoming just as they prepare for the stresses of departure.

“We’re always so prepared for the whirlwind of them leaving,” she says, “but we don’t get much insight or preparation for when they return and how much different life can be.”

Sharing experiences with other military spouses is one way to find encouragement and support.

“It can be incredibly isolating when they come home, although your family is finally whole again,” she says. Knowing that you’re not alone is one of the most comforting feelings. Sometimes that’s all you need.”

Bri said she is learning patience, realizing it takes time to find a new normal for life after each deployment.

Move Forward

Karen and Corie agree that reconnection requires patience and willingness to move forward, rather than expect things to go back to the way they were before deployment.

Drawing together again also takes intentionality, practical steps, and actions that reconnect the relationship and create new connections

“Express pride in one another’s accomplishments and growth,” says Karen. “Talk about your time apart and honor each other’s sacrifices and experiences. Recognize that you each had challenges to overcome and work to understand how your spouse has grown and changed as a result.”

As you talk through experiences during deployment, it’s also important to discuss your expectations as a couple for life after deployment, Corie agrees.

Talk About It

“Over-communicate rather than under-communicate,” says Corie. “Keep assumptions at bay. Don’t test your spouse by staying quiet on what you need and hoping they will be able to guess. Set each other up for a win by giving each other opportunities to win.”

As absence makes the heart grow fonder, time apart makes it easier to forget the irritations of daily life and remember the best part of marriage. Karen advises couples to hold on to the positivity while recognizing conflicts will occur too.

“Separations don’t usually solve problems; past conflicts may re-emerge after homecoming,” says Karen. “Commit together to work through them when they arise.”

Ten Tips for Reconnecting after Deployment from Karen and Corie at SurvivingDeployment.com

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Honor traditions. Don’t underestimate importance of continuity and beloved rituals in a time of change. Familiar celebrations are comforting. Modify if necessary when managing the holidays on your own, but keep some familiar traditions.

Start new traditions. Deployment may be a good time to try new ways to celebrate. For some children in military families, the usual celebrations seem sadder without mom or dad, while others may take comfort in them. Involve kids in family decisions about how to celebrate during holiday separations. Encourage their creativity, while being sensitive to their need for continuity.

Celebrate long distance. If possible, plan a video chat with the deployed parent/spouse during a family holiday party or dinner. Send care packages ahead of time with treats and decorations, if deployment conditions allow. Ask the deployed loved one to send a decoration from their location, if possible. The more unusual, the better!

Focus on the meaning of the holidays. Regardless of which holidays a family celebrates, all are enhanced by kindness, caring, love, and peace. Focus on the things to be grateful for instead of the things that are difficult.

Document the event. Take photos and videos. Take notes! Create a scrapbook of the holidays to share later. Kids and teens might enjoy taking photos or sharing creatively on social media. Don’t forget to use good operational security as needed.

Take care of yourself. While caring for children during deployment, it’s important for spouses at home to care for themselves too. Talk about feelings, spend time with friends; pay attention to good eating and sleeping habits.

Don’t be alone. Celebrate with other military families. Invite family to visit, or go to visit them. It is okay–in fact it is healthy–to ask for support.

Talk. Provide an open atmosphere for children and parents to share their feelings, modeling positive communication together. If the kids know Mom and Dad are sad, too — but are still able to be hopeful and happy — they will feel much better.

Spread the cheer. Reaching out to help someone else can shift the focus to the positive. Help a new military family, donate toys, visit a nursing home, or serve at the chow hall. Helping others is a healthy way to distract from loneliness and a great example  for children.

For military families and children, life is full of change, new schools and neighborhoods, friends who move, and deployed parents. Holidays full of laughter, traditions old and new, and quality family time provide continuity in military life and memories to last a lifetime.

Rachel Robertson is an educator specializing in childhood development. Her series of journals for military families going through deployment, include Deployment Journal for Spouses (3rd Edition) Memories and Milestones, Deployment Journal for Parents, and Deployment Journal for Kids.

The post Deployment Holiday Separations: Finding Reasons to Celebrate appeared first on Military Family Life.

“Don’t think you’ll catch up magically if you fall behind going through mail, or passing on your kids’ outgrown clothes,” says Nonnahs, founding organizer of Get Organized Already in Pasadena, California. “You have to make it a priority and set aside some time. Having a designated time makes the chore easier and less frantic.”

Sharing and trading are cost-effective ways to outfit a home in a new location, says Nonnahs. Make use of the thrift shop, both to donate and to shop for new household needs. Military thrift shops are often stocked with clothing suitable to the local climate, as well as specialized supplies like adapters or appliances for differing electrical currents overseas.

Another constructive and eco-friendly way to get rid of unneeded possessions is to give them directly to new families who need what you don’t.

“For a while my family lived on a training base, which had a fast turnover time,” Nonnahs says. “My parents would store specialty household items in our garage to help provide for the next wave of families coming to the street every eighteen months or so.”

Nonnahs offers these tips to military families for staying organized in moving season or any season:

• Less everyday stuff makes an easier move. Use the knowledge that you are moving to motivate you to keep less. Some types of things, like pots and pans, can be thrown out when they’re worn out. Other things, like books and memorabilia, are more complicated for sentimental reasons.
• Approach your collections like a curator at a museum would approach an exhibit. When a bookshelf is getting full, instead of buying another bookcase, go through the books you have and let go of some.
• For children’s precious artwork and photos, use a sturdy storage box, and let the size of the box serve as a guide to how much to keep. Keep only favorites, and only as much as will fit in the box. Save a few things from each year, for each child, and you’ll have a beautiful collection that’s protected for many more moves to come.
• Use medium-sized, clear plastic bins for storage. Clear so you can see what is in them. Medium sized for easy access and lighter weight per box. Use super-large containers only to store super-large items.
• Buy modular furniture, which can be split up as needed to fit a new space. This may help the costly cycle of buying different furnishings for larger or smaller homes. Buy smaller pieces and add or sell as needed: a sectional or love seat instead of huge sofas, for example. Also helpful: furniture pieces that double as storage.

Nonnahs Driskill grew up in an Air Force family and founded Get Organized already in Pasadena, Calif. For more of her organizing tips, see her Get Organized Already blog and videos.

Maria Reed’s Top Tips for Making a House a Home

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