“You can be respectful of boundaries and that [everyone] gets to have emotions and things they don’t want to share,” Rachel says. “But you can discuss the positive things you’ve written about with one another, and that can train your brain to look for more positive.”

Model Behavior

This can be an important exercise for parents to do with children, especially if the child may be reluctant to journal at first. According to Rachel, the best way to encourage children with an aversion to the activity is to model the behavior the parent would like to see.

“If a parent is doing it, kids will follow suit,” she says. “In any parenting situation, I advise parents to narrate their own thinking. Kids can’t learn from you if it’s just happening in your head.”

For example, a parent can say something like, “I’m struggling with this emotion. I’m going to sit down and journal about it. Do you want to sit with me?” By inviting their children to be a part of the process of journaling and expressing some thoughts out loud, parents can show children the benefits of journaling without telling them to do it.

Make a Judgement-Free Zone

It’s important for children to feel safe expressing (or not expressing) some of their emotions from their journal. But for them to feel safe, parents need to put the emphasis on the act of journaling—not the outcome of the journaling, says Rachel.

“Stop focusing on a child’s outcome. Focus on the improvement, effort, and process,” she says.

The more a child—or an adult, for that matter—journals, the more likely they may be to open up about those emotions, because they’ve had a chance to gain a bit of control over the way they are feeling.

“Processing through writing is very beneficial. We know the benefits of mindfulness and it’s the same thing,” Rachel says. “Get out of your head and write it down. One of the most important skills we can teach children is to recognize and analyze their own emotions.”

Build a Routine

Whether the routine is bedtime stories or Sunday pancakes, Rachel says the best way to incorporate journaling discussions is to build it into a routine.

“Whatever routines and rituals are already present, just build it in. Eventually it just becomes something you do,” she says. “You can be drawing versus writing. Anything that helps. Just build a daily or weekly habit.”

The time in-between family sessions can be just as important as the time in them, though. As children are learning to process their emotions, they need encouragement, space, and time, says Rachel.

Rachel’s journals for military families include Deployment Journal for Kids (2^nd edition), Deployment Journal for Spouses (3^rd edition), and Deployment Journal for Parents.

An author and educator focused on child development, Rachel Robertson combined her professional training and personal experience supporting herself and her two children through her husband’s military deployments to create a series of journals for families during deployment. All of her journals have been published by Elva Resa Publishing.

You may also be interested in reading:

Write It Out: Journals Help Kids Process Emotions (Military Family Life)
Journaling is a great way to help kids sort out the feelings they have about military life. The benefits of journaling are numerous. Rachel offers suggestions to help kids of any age get started with a journal, grouped by tips for kids in preschool, grade school, middle and high school.

Four Healthy Benefits of Journaling During Deployment (Military Family Life)
Self-care and self-expression are important for military spouses going through the stresses of deployment, and journaling during deployment provides both, says Rachel. She shares thoughts about four key benefits.

The post Journaling Together as a Family appeared first on Military Family Life.

Begin Before Goodbye

Kids begin feeling the effects of deployment even before their service member parent departs, so conversations between parents and kids about what they think and feel about deployment should begin before it’s time to say goodbye.  

“Like their parents, kids have fears and anxieties about this experience,” says Karen Pavlicin, author of Surviving Deployment: A Guide for Military Families. “In the lead-up to deployment, involve them in appropriate ways. Be sure they feel included and that their feelings are heard.”   

Kids begin feeling the effects of deployment even before their service member parent departs.

It’s also important to hear kids’ concerns about deployment to clear up any misunderstandings or any worries they have that may be unfounded or disproportionate to the situation.  

“Ask them what they are thinking about,” says Karen. “You may be able to calm some of their worries right away.”  

Before departure, give children opportunities to spend one-on-one time with the deploying parent.

“Departure day is usually busy and emotional,” says Karen. “Take time together before that crazy day to give kids a chance to ask questions, talk, and have fun. The good memories will help them cope with tough days following the goodbyes.”

Provide Sense of Stability  

Children also benefit from stability at home to maintain a sense of security during deployment. Something as simple as maintaining daily routines can reassure kids they can depend on their family, even when one parent is absent. Julie Provost, a military spouse blogger at Soldier’s Wife Crazy Life says children need to know their parents are always ready to support them.  

Something as simple as maintaining daily routines can reassure kids they can depend on their family, even when one parent is absent.

“One of the things I do to give my kids a sense of security and stability when my husband is gone,” says Julie, “is by letting them know it is okay to come to me anytime they are upset, scared or just unsure about what is going on. I want them to know I am here for them one hundred percent.”  

Pay Attention to Feelings  

Sometimes, even with a supportive parent available to listen, kids find it difficult to talk about their worries or emotions about deployment, or even to know what their feelings are. For those times, journaling can be a useful activity, says Rachel Robertson, author of  Deployment Journal for Kids and an expert in early childhood development for Bright Horizons Family Solutions.  

“Keeping a journal is a proven tool for helping children manage stress and process complex emotions,” she says.  

Children may be feeling emotions they can’t understand or communicate.

Children may be feeling emotions they can’t understand or communicate, says Rachel. A journal gives them a place to express their feelings and sort them out.

 Journaling is also an activity easily tailored to each child’s age and ability. It can be completely personal or interactive with parents. Preschoolers can draw pictures and decorate their journal pages. Older children can write stories, songs, or poems, as well as daily happenings and thoughts.

Rachel emphasizes that playtime is important for children too, offering another way for kids to process their thoughts and feelings in a concrete way. 

“Play is the way children process life,” she says. “They don’t often have the words to talk about how they feel, so one way to find out about what is on their minds and what they’re feeling is to observe their play.” 

Find Ways to Take Action

Children are encouraged when they have positive ways to put their feelings and concerns into action. They could take action by volunteering in the community or place of worship, helping with household chores, or creating care packages for their deployed parent.

Karen says kids also enjoy being able to reach out to a deployed parent in meaningful and concrete ways. Writing letters, drawing, painting, and making homemade gifts provide creative outlets for kids and ways to communicate love and support for an absent parent.

To support kids during deployment, offer them positive ways to put their feelings and concerns into action.

Children can also keep a list of questions or news to share with a deployed parent at the next phone call or video chat. When kids have a question but can’t talk to their parent, writing it down gives them a place to put their thoughts. Having a list of topics may also help alleviate the shyness some kids feel when they get on the phone or video chat.  

Even activities not directly connected to deployment provide parents and kids with more opportunities to interact, offering a window into how kids are coping. Keeping daily routines, journaling, playing, and other activities are comforting to kids and also encourage ongoing, daily communication between parents and children.

“Give children plenty of reassurance,” Karen says. ”Throughout deployment they need to know your family is united, even when you’re apart.”

More about supporting kids during deployment:

• Deployment Goodbye: Preparation Eases Departure Sorrow 
• Write It Out: Journals Help Kids Process Emotions
• Playtime: 10 Ways to Brighten Deployment Days
• Children and Emotions from SurvivingDeployment.com

The post Four Essentials for Supporting Kids During Deployment appeared first on Military Family Life.

Military parents have many skills for guiding their children through the uncertainty of deployments and frequent moves. As the COVID-19 pandemic brings even more uncertainty, military families are using those skills and developing new ones to help their children navigate uncertainty through school closures, social distancing, stay at home orders, and worldwide health concerns.

Rachel Robertson, author of Deployment Journal for Kids and an expert in early childhood development for Bright Horizons Family Solutions, says parents should be intentional in the ways they address their children’s needs in times of uncertainty.

“As parents we have to keep children emotionally as well as physically safe,” says Rachel. “They notice our anxiety, whether verbal or nonverbal. As long as their world is safe and predictable, and the people they love and care about are safe and predictable they usually feel pretty good. As adults the best gift we can give is the strength of our calm presence, simple reassurances that make the world feel safe and manageable.”

“As adults the best gift we can give is the strength of our calm presence, simple reassurances that make the world feel safe and manageable.”

–Rachel Robertson

Parents can also provide stability by building predictability into each day, creating routines and sticking with them. Circumstances will require adjustments, but when possible incorporate old and familiar habits into the new normal.

Comforting Routines

Army spouse Amy Bushatz, coauthor of Stories Around the Table: Laughter, Wisdom, and Strength in Military Life and managing editor at Military.com, says maintaining consistency and routine is helpful to her two sons, who are in elementary school.

“We offer stability and consistency where we can (as we do) during moves or when their dad is gone,” Amy says. “We’ve created a daily schedule that we stick to … and we’re being really intentional about doing specific things, like getting dressed instead of spending the whole day in pajamas, spending time outside, turning off the TV or electronics, eating meals together, and going to bed on time. That’s stuff they know they can rely on every day.”

“We offer stability and consistency where we can. We’ve created a daily schedule that we stick to, and we’re being really intentional about doing specific things”

— Amy Bushatz

Stacy Allsbrook-Huisman, coauthor of Seasons of My Military Student: Practical Ideas for Parents and Teachers, whose two children are in elementary and middle school, says a routine helps kids adjust to a new schedule that may include online school.

Amanda Trimillos, a teacher and mom and also a coauthor of Seasons of My Military Student: Practical Ideas for Parents and Teachers, agrees that a schedule is important, even if it’s not as strict as it would be if there were buses to catch or a bell schedule to meet.

“It’s okay to sleep in, but get up and get dressed every day,” she says, adding that free time and play time are essential. “Go outside every day. Play music and dance.”

Serious Play

The benefits of free time to play and be creative go beyond fresh air and exercise and should be part of every day, says Rachel. Creative play is one way kids process emotions and events.

“It is critical in times of trauma that kids still have time to play. It’s the way they process life and stress. If they’re not talking about their feelings, one way to find out about their feelings is to observe their play.”

Watching how kids play, what they paint, draw, or create gives parents a window into what they might be feeling, a guide to the questions that will draw out those emotions when a conversation is needed.

Asking Questions

When kids ask questions, it’s important discern the concerns that underlie their questions and to give honest answers appropriate to a child’s age and needs.

“Be appropriately honest,” says Rachel. “If your family is affected (by uncertain circumstances), let kids know what will happen, but reassure them that you will always love and care for them. If they ask a really tough question, ask them what they think before offering an answer. This will help you gauge what kind of answer they are looking for.”

A child may be asking for facts or seeking reassurance or both. Children always need the reassurance that their parents are with them and will take care of them. When talking to kids, let them direct the conversation, says Becky Harris, a nationally certified school psychologist and military spouse.

“Talk to them on a level they can understand and to the extent they are interested,” says Becky. “If you are talking about COVID-19 and they change the subject to Minecraft, then change the subject and talk about Minecraft.”

“If you are talking about COVID-19 and they change the subject to Minecraft, then change the subject and talk about Minecraft.”

–Becky Harris

If parents are concerned about changes in a child’s behavior, says Becky, they should look for patterns, changes that happen multiple times over a period days or weeks. This includes sleeping and eating patterns, their levels of activity and communication.

Thankful Thoughts

Another healthy habit is to choose gratitude, says Amanda.

“It’s easy to find something to panic about daily, but it is just as important to find something to be grateful about daily,” she says. “When our internet was down with four children trying to attend online classes and complete assignments, we decided to be grateful for family, sun, and teachers who showed grace in an unavoidable situation. We are teaching our children to show grace to others, and to ask for grace themselves. We remind them that school is about learning skills. Living life in a pandemic will also teach them life skills. We went on a family bike ride. We played games. We read together and laughed together. It’s an important life skill to recognize that food, drink, and family will sustain us.”

Important ways to help kids through uncertain times:

• Maintain consistency, both emotionally and physically with regular routines: Include good sleep, healthy foods, time for play, creativity, and physical activity. Spend time outside when possible.
• Answer serious questions with answers appropriate to a child’s age and underlying needs.
• Limit screen time and news intake for everyone: Children absorb information, even when they don’t seem to be listening to news broadcasts playing in the background. Turn off the news, and listen to music, or enjoy quiet time.
• Find ways kids can contribute at home and in the community. Chores at home, artwork, letters for friends, donate to a local charity helping people in need.
• Modeling good self-care is the best way parents can help kids develop healthy habits. Parents also need to tend their own physical, emotional, and spiritual needs to be strong for their children.
• Talk to a counselor. This applies to anyone in the family who would benefit from it.

Terri Barnes is a military spouse and author of Spouse Calls: Messages From a Military Life, based on her long-running column in Stars and Stripes. She is also the editor of several award-winning books from Elva Resa Publishing.

Additional resources:

Parenting Through Uncertainty from Bright Horizons podcast: Teach. Play. Love. (featuring Rachel Robertson)

Helping Children Cope with Changes Resulting from COVID-19 from the National Association of School Psychologists

The post Helping Children Navigate Uncertainty appeared first on Military Family Life.

“Keeping a journal is a proven tool for managing stress and processing complex emotions,” says Rachel, an educator as well as author. “A journal can help military spouses and families manage these and other challenges, especially a during the stress of a deployment.”

Rachel lists some of the benefits journaling provides: 

Reflection: Writing in a journal is a tangible way to reflect on events and emotions, helping spouses process their thoughts and feelings.

Resilience: Journaling helps spouses get to know themselves—important for resilience and growth—and offers a place for positive self-talk.

Refuge: A journal is a safe place to explore emotions without repercussions and judgment.

Record: A deployment journal is a record of a significant period, a keepsake and a document of important experiences.

As a Marine wife and mom, Rachel found strength through journaling during her husband’s deployments. Now, she advocates journaling for spouses experiencing their first deployment, as well as those who have been through multiple deployments.

“Keeping records of my thoughts, fears, hopes, and memories gave me perspective, serenity, and sometimes, it’s what allowed me to sleep at night,” Rachel says.

Paying attention to emotions is key, not to limit them but to experience them in healthy ways and avoid impulsive and emotional decisions, she says. Writing about emotions and feelings allows them to be felt deeply, recognized, and processed before acting on them.

Rachel Robertson is an educator specializing in childhood development. She blended her professional expertise in education and her personal experience as a Marine Corps wife to develop a series of journals for military families going through deployment, including Deployment Journal for Spouses (3rd Edition) Memories and Milestones, Deployment Journal for Parents, and Deployment Journal for Kids.

The post Four Healthy Benefits of Journaling During Deployment appeared first on Military Family Life.

Honor traditions. Don’t underestimate importance of continuity and beloved rituals in a time of change. Familiar celebrations are comforting. Modify if necessary when managing the holidays on your own, but keep some familiar traditions.

Start new traditions. Deployment may be a good time to try new ways to celebrate. For some children in military families, the usual celebrations seem sadder without mom or dad, while others may take comfort in them. Involve kids in family decisions about how to celebrate during holiday separations. Encourage their creativity, while being sensitive to their need for continuity.

Celebrate long distance. If possible, plan a video chat with the deployed parent/spouse during a family holiday party or dinner. Send care packages ahead of time with treats and decorations, if deployment conditions allow. Ask the deployed loved one to send a decoration from their location, if possible. The more unusual, the better!

Focus on the meaning of the holidays. Regardless of which holidays a family celebrates, all are enhanced by kindness, caring, love, and peace. Focus on the things to be grateful for instead of the things that are difficult.

Document the event. Take photos and videos. Take notes! Create a scrapbook of the holidays to share later. Kids and teens might enjoy taking photos or sharing creatively on social media. Don’t forget to use good operational security as needed.

Take care of yourself. While caring for children during deployment, it’s important for spouses at home to care for themselves too. Talk about feelings, spend time with friends; pay attention to good eating and sleeping habits.

Don’t be alone. Celebrate with other military families. Invite family to visit, or go to visit them. It is okay–in fact it is healthy–to ask for support.

Talk. Provide an open atmosphere for children and parents to share their feelings, modeling positive communication together. If the kids know Mom and Dad are sad, too — but are still able to be hopeful and happy — they will feel much better.

Spread the cheer. Reaching out to help someone else can shift the focus to the positive. Help a new military family, donate toys, visit a nursing home, or serve at the chow hall. Helping others is a healthy way to distract from loneliness and a great example  for children.

For military families and children, life is full of change, new schools and neighborhoods, friends who move, and deployed parents. Holidays full of laughter, traditions old and new, and quality family time provide continuity in military life and memories to last a lifetime.

Rachel Robertson is an educator specializing in childhood development. Her series of journals for military families going through deployment, include Deployment Journal for Spouses (3rd Edition) Memories and Milestones, Deployment Journal for Parents, and Deployment Journal for Kids.

The post Deployment Holiday Separations: Finding Reasons to Celebrate appeared first on Military Family Life.

Rachel Robertson, author of Deployment Journal for Kids offers suggestions to help kids of any age get started with a journal:

Preschool:

• Use a book with blank pages, or gather and staple blank paper together.
• Buy special crayons or markers just for the journal.
• Decorate the cover (have your child help).
• Ask your child to draw pictures and tell you about them. Write down your child’s words.

Grade School:

• Give them their own journal and special pencils or pens for writing and decorating.
• Include a scrapbooking element in their journal using pictures and stickers.
• Encourage your child to write down questions. Help find answers or discuss the questions if answers are not easy to find.
• If your child needs a writing prompt, try focused categories or questions, such as “What makes you sad?” “When do you feel proud?” “What is your favorite outside activity?”

Middle and High School:

• Let them choose a personal, private journal and a pen or pens.
• Encourage them to use the journal to keep a record of feelings, as well as events, accomplishments and celebrations.
• Encourage your teen to include art such as drawings, poetry, or songs, and to incorporate scrapbook elements.
• Offer guidance only if they ask for it. Teens should be able to journal creatively following the flow of their thinking.

At any age, encourage your military child to write in their journal as often as they like, particularly when they have strong feelings, whether happy, angry, sad, or confused. Particularly with older children, respect your child’s privacy and read the journal only with permission.

Rachel Robertson is a nationally recognized expert in child behavior management and early childhood education. She combined her professional training and personal experience supporting herself and her two children through her husband’s military deployments to create a series of journals for families during deployment. As well as Deployment Journal for Kids, she is the author of Deployment Journal for Spouses , and Deployment Journal for Parents.

The post Write It Out: Journals Help Kids Process Emotions appeared first on Military Family Life.