When it comes to altered holiday plans, curtailed travel, and limited family gatherings, military families might wonder what all the fuss is about. We’ve been here before. Yes, we get it. It’s hard to be outside those holiday comfort zones, but we’ve learned that unusual times can inspire new ways to celebrate, ways that are still meaningful and memorable. Perhaps our experiences can offer a glimmer of hope for civilian friends and neighbors in this pandemic season.

When the holidays roll around, a military family often can’t gather around the holiday table with grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles. We may be in a new location without a large friend group—yet. Deployment or other circumstances might separate us from our spouses or—for active duty members—our children. Each holiday season is different from the last, so we don’t get used to the changes, we adapt.

It’s hard to be outside our comfort zones at the holidays, but we’ve learned that unusual times can inspire new ways to celebrate, ways that are still meaningful and memorable.

Whether stationed overseas or across the country, military families can’t rely on the comfort of visiting the same local light display or Christmas tree farm every year. We might be living in the mountains, the desert, or the tropics. It’s not as glamorous as it sounds. Sometimes it’s just lonely, but the lessons we’ve learned in those those difficult seasons could be helpful to military and civilians families this year. For everyone facing an unusual or difficult holiday season, here are some new ways to celebrate special days:

Lean on Friends

We may not have invented “framily”—friends who become like family—but military families knew it was a thing long before it had a name. We’ve celebrated some wonderful holidays with good friends when we couldn’t be with our family. If a big group isn’t practical, get together with a couple of friends. If gatherings aren’t possible, or if neighbors aren’t friends yet, connect by dropping off homemade holiday decorations or treats. Use this season to build new relationships. You might find someone else in need of friends to lean on.

Enjoy Simplicity

Sure, those big family gatherings are a lot of chaotic fun, but why not take advantage of simpler days while they’re available? Limited holiday options might mean less stress and money spent coordinating travel, preparing big meals, and making time for all the relatives. That also means more room to reflect on the meaning of holiday observances; more space to be mindful of moments with just a few special people. Chaos will surely return. For now, enjoy the benefits of quieter days while they’re here.

Branch Out

A pared down holiday offers another thing most holidays are short on: time. Holiday busy-ness doesn’t always leave time to try something new, but if this holiday is less full and busy, it could provide opportunities to branch out. Perhaps that could include sharing with someone in need, preparing meals, delivering food or clothing. Branching out could also include exploring where you are. Every time and place has its own flavor and opportunities that might not come again. Find something unique to the location or culture and incorporate it into the celebration this year. These experiences can create treasured memories and new traditions.

Be Present

Even if this isn’t the holiday you hoped for, it’s one that will never come again. Be there for it. Next year you might be with the loved ones you’re missing today, but for now enjoy the ones you’re with. Store up memories and stories to tell around the fire in years to come. Make a gratitude list. In every year there’s something to be thankful for, and your list may be longer than you realize.

Even in challenging times, celebrations are important. They remind us of what is essential, even when—or because—we have to be apart. With intentionality and openness to new experiences, even a difficult holiday can be a meaningful one.

Terri Barnes is the author of Spouse Calls: Messages From a Military Life, based on her long-running column in Stars and Stripes. She and her Air Force husband and their military family have celebrated unusual and meaningful holidays on multiple continents—sometimes on separate continents. Terri is also the editor of multiple award-winning books from Elva Resa Publishing.

More ideas and encouragement for the holidays:

• Keeping Traditions in Transition: Making Spirits Bright
• Deployment Holidays: Finding Reasons to Celebrate

The post New Ways to Celebrate: Military Life Offers Inspiration appeared first on Military Family Life.

“I don’t advise spouses to join a group to network if they’re just checking a box,” says Sue, an Air Force spouse. “That may sound counterintuitive from someone who runs a networking organization, but we need to change our mindset about what networking is. It should be organic, something that’s part of our everyday life, because every day is an opportunity to engage with people.” 

Some connections may be helpful in more ways than one, but relationships are likely to be stronger if they’re built on shared experience and genuine interest in others rather than self-interest. 

“I don’t want to see spouses falling into a serial-networking trap rather than developing real relationships.” Says Sue. “Those relationships are so important in military life.” 

Meaningful engagement can happen in the neighborhood, in a faith community, book club, or even at the commissary—anywhere people come together. This kind of networking is less about work and more about getting to know people. Joining a group for the purpose of career networking can’t replace having real relationships, where mutual helpfulness flourishes naturally. 

” … we need to change our mindset about what networking is. It should be organic, something that’s part of our everyday life, because every day is an opportunity to engage with people.”

–Sue Hoppin

“When you’re in the business of maintaining relationships, you don’t know how those relationships can benefit someone or what good things they will eventually accomplish,” she says. “Networking is a two-way street. It’s not all about what you can get from someone else. You also should think about what you can do for them.” 

Any relationship grows stronger when the participants look for ways to help one another, and networking can provide opportunities to pay it forward to other military spouses and friends. 

“Just because you and I have a relationship, and I may be in a position to help you, doesn’t necessarily mean you will be in a position to help me in return,” she says. “Our connection may or may not be helpful somewhere down the line, but that shouldn’t matter. I believe in putting good energy and good information out in the world. Something you can do might help someone else in ways you never expected.”

The best way to create networks and relationships, says Sue, is to focus on the person rather than what that person can do or who else they know.

“Put yourself out there and build authentic relationships,” she says, “that’s where the magic happens, not when we’re thinking of these relationships as purely transactional. Those least effective at networking are the ones keeping score. We can all help each other, and it’s those mutually beneficial relationships that help everything run.” 

Sue Hoppin wrote the essay “With a Little Help From My Friends” in Stories Around the Table: Laughter, Wisdom, and Strength in Military Life.

Connect with more expertise from Sue and other military spouses at the National Military Spouse Network website. Listen to Straight Talk with Sue every Monday at noon Eastern on the NMSN Facebook page, and check out the NMSN Instagram Live each Wednesday at 11:30 a.m. Eastern.

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Terri Barnes, the author of Spouse Calls: Messages from a Military Life, says it’s important to talk to kids about the good and the bad of each move to help them through the experience. An Air Force spouse, Terri shepherded her three children through dozens of school changes and moves, as well as writing extensively about mobility as a military family columnist for Stars and Stripes.

“Transitions are part of every life, military or civilian,” she says. “Change is hard. Moving is hard, especially when we’re in the thick of it, but when we make it through as a family, it makes us stronger together and individually. Successful transitions give kids confidence they can navigate other challenges.”

“Transitions are part of every life, military or civilian … Successful transitions give kids confidence they can navigate other challenges.” ~Terri Barnes

Terri offers these suggestions for healthy ways to guide children through the emotions and experiences of moving:

Keep a Positive Attitude

Military parents and other experts agree children of any age react and respond to the attitudes of their parents. A parent’s positive outlook about moving fosters optimism for kids. Don’t promise a new place will be better, and don’t pressure kids to be happy about moving, but do show an open mind about the new experience ahead.

Model positive thinking and hopefulness. Moving involves anxiety and uncertainty for kids and parents alike, and honest age-appropriate conversations are important. However, it’s best to vent strong adult reactions and frustrations with other adults and not with children.

Make Time to Grieve

While it’s important to be positive, it’s also necessary to be honest about the difficult parts of moving. Moving involves loss, so it is healthy and necessary to grieve those losses. Give children time and space to talk about the move and cry about it if they want to. Let them know they are not alone in their sorrow.

In ways appropriate to each child’s understanding, parents can talk about what they will miss when they move, reassuring kids it’s okay to be sad, that sadness won’t last forever, and the family will stick together throughout.

“When my kids were sad, I didn’t want them to think they were alone,” says Terri. “Sometimes I talked about the friends I would miss and how I was sad too. At the same time, I reassured them we could live through it together.”

Look Back

Remind kids about previous move experiences and talk about how they felt before and after. This helps them remember how they succeeded in a new place before, and they can succeed and make friends again. If they are open to it, talk to children about what they would like to do the same or differently in an upcoming move. Encourage them to set goals and to recognize ways they have grown through the challenges of moving.

Not every departure is a sad one. Sometimes a move takes a child away from a difficult school situation or peer group. Talk about what kids are happy to leave behind and ways they hope their new school or community will be different. If appropriate, brainstorm ways they might be able to create better situations or relationships at a new place. Talk about what those difficult situations or relationships may have taught them.

Offer Choices

When it comes to military moves, so much is beyond the control of children—and parents too. Look for ways to give kids some control over their circumstances:

• Find ways kids can help with preparations for the move.

  

• Saying goodbye is important. Set aside time for children to say goodbye to friends, teachers, and any significant people in their lives. Talk to each child about how and when he or she would like to say goodbye. Some kids love a party, but others may prefer more low-key farewells. Parties can be overwhelming for some children, so be attentive to their wishes and temperaments.
• Let children plan the décor and arrangements for their bedrooms and play spaces in their new home.
• Encourage kids to look for interesting activities in the new community. Is there a national park or another attraction nearby? An interesting museum or park? Help them look forward and plan ways the family can get to know their new neighborhood after the move.

Provide Structure

The days before, during, and after a move can be chaotic. Try to maintain familiar routines as much as possible. Establish moving traditions and rituals, like a special take-out meal on moving day, building box castles after unpacking, or placing a traditional first picture or piece of furniture in a new home.

Although there are plenty of ways to handle transition in healthy ways, no one really gets used to moving, Terri cautions. She emphasizes the importance of setting reasonable expectations and giving kids time and space to adjust after moving.

“When it comes to moving, practice does not make perfect. It’s a new world each time.”

–Terri Barnes

“Each move is different. Everyone in the family will experience it differently and have emotional reactions that require care and attention,” she says. “As kids grow, moves will probably get harder instead of easier, because friends become more and more important to them. They will need more time to reconnect and find friends. When it comes to moving, practice does not make perfect. It’s a new world each time.”

Growth comes from facing challenges in healthy ways, and Terri says it’s good to help military kids remember every family faces difficulty, not just military families. For any of life’s challenges, children benefit from open communication and encouragement to look for ways to grow through difficulty.

“I never wanted my kids to feel sorry for themselves or think military life was all hardship. There are so many positives to this life. It’s healthy to accept the good and the bad, to learn how to handle the challenges that are part of every life. It’s not just about surviving one move—or ten. It’s about learning to survive and grow for a lifetime.”

Terri Barnes is the senior editor at Elva Resa Publishing and has written and contributed to several books about military life including Spouse Calls: Messages From a Military Life, and Stories Around the Table: Laughter, Wisdom, and Strength in Military Life. Terri’s three military children attended more than 25 schools from Pre-K to high school graduation.

More helpful information about transitions for military children on SeasonsofMyMilitaryStudent.com:

• New School: 5 Tips to Prepare Your Student 
• Good Goodbyes Build Resilience and Strong Relationships
• About the Seasons of Transition^TM

The post Moving Kids: 5 Healthy Ways to Handle PCS appeared first on Military Family Life.

Giving back is the key to getting the most out of any military assignment. Finding ways to contribute to an adopted locale, according to military spouses, is often the best way to connect and feel at home in a new duty station.

“Every time we move to a new place, connecting to our community feels like an important way to establish ourselves,” says Claire Wood, army spouse, blogger and podcaster at MilSpo Gurus. “We know we won’t be permanent residents, but we find that when we seek connections, our time on station is so much richer and more meaningful.”

Lisa Smith Molinari, navy spouse and author of the upcoming book The Meat and Potatoes of Life: My True Lit Com (Elva Resa Spring 2020) says volunteering has always provided her family with opportunities for fun and connection.

“Helping out might have seemed saintly, but it was the quickest way to make new friends, and we knew it,” she says. “Sure, we worked hard, helping scouts deliver holiday wreaths and teaching Sunday school, and selling hamburgers at football games, but our little secret was that we were having a really good time, too.”

Maria Reed, creator and host of Moving With the Military, says giving back to her community offers connections both civilian and military.

“Volunteering outside the gates is an incredible way to get to know where you live and those in the area,” she says. “It can help you build new friendship and ties to others who live there as well. Volunteering gives military members and their families an opportunity to connect with each other and the communities they live in.”

Keep Your Balance

Getting to know a place and the people are the first step toward enjoying any assignment, maybe even loving it. Getting involved can also be time-consuming, so choosing opportunities that fit the family’s work and school schedule is important.

“Know what your limitations are so that you just don’t say yes to everything,” says Maria. “Take care of yourself too.”

“You cannot pour from an empty cup,” says Claire, “so be sure your basic physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional reserves are full before you hit the ground running. Give yourself full permission to assess to see if you have the time and energy to commit to new serving opportunities.”

Claire also adds a reminder that there are many ways to give.

“You can choose to give with your time, your talent, or your resources. It doesn’t have to be all three,” she says. “In a season where you don’t have much time, you may feel inclined to make a monetary charitable contribution. If you don’t have financial resources to give, maybe you can donate your unique skills.”

All kinds of giving are meaningful, says Maria, whether organizing a clothing drive, taking cookies to a neighbor, or offering a smile and a kind word. She and other military spouses created the #GivingTuesdayMilitary initiative, which challenges military service members, families, and veterans to engage with their communities through one million acts of kindness on Giving Tuesday, which falls the week after Thanksgiving.

Reach Out

Whatever one’s abilities or resources, don’t hold a new community at arm’s length, says veteran air force spouse Joan Brown, author of Move and Other Four-Letter Words. Connect in small ways that fit your time and inclinations.

“No one can love what he or she doesn’t know,” she says. “Getting to know one another better is, I think, what life is all about and the ultimate reason for connecting to one another.”

Joan says the warm welcome she received at one assignment, particularly impressed on her the importance of welcoming newcomers.

“I realized we had become part of another and very special family, as well as the one we had each been born into,” she says. Substituting in local schools helped Joan connect when stationed in Guam. At several assignments, she says teaching English as a second language to military dependents gave her perspective into her communities.

“I realized we had become part of another and very special family, as well as the one we had each been born into.”

–Joan Brown

“Back when family services was a totally volunteer organization,” says Joan, “welcoming newcomers became my favorite weekly volunteer effort, then and for years to come. It’s one we’ve continued as retirees, whenever there are newcomers to our neighborhood or any of the organizations we’re involved with.”

Claire’s husband, Ryan, is an army chaplain, and she says their family looks for ways to plug in at the chapel on post, helping out with event-planning, children’s and women’s ministries.

“I also try to volunteer my time within our unit organizations. In our local communities, I find the local Daughters of the American Revolution chapter and join in with their patriotic and educational efforts,” says Claire, who is a teacher.

Bring the Kids

Involving the whole family in activities for giving back offers bonding experiences and teachable moments for those with children.

I’ll admit, I ‘voluntold’ our kids to participate in food drives, Eagle Scout projects, homeless shelters, neighborhood events, and charity fundraisers we did over the years,” says Lisa, “but in the end, the kids connected with the other volunteers and learned a little something about the needs out there in the world. No matter where we lived, I taught them that if you want to make friends, you’ve got to roll up your sleeves and get out there.”

Maria agrees that giving back is a teaching as well as connecting experience.

“My son is in the Junior ROTC at his school,” she says. “We are working with all the kids to help give back to the community through community cleanup efforts and spending time with the elderly and the VFW members. I think it is important for our young people to learn from the generations before them and show their respect and gratitude.”

Explore the Possibilities

Reaching out or taking the first step may be difficult, but the results—friendship, connection, and contribution—make each effort worthwhile.

“Sometimes being a military family feels like a major sacrifice on its own,” says Claire, between relocations, family separations, deployments, and such. “It’s a lot, and it can easily feel like you don’t have much more to give. But when our family approaches our service with the mindset of giving to others, we are often the ones who receive so much more. Our serving has connected us with wonderful friends; it has given us varied and wonderful local experiences. It has helped us to take the focus off of our own struggles.”

Terri Barnes is a military spouse and author of Spouse Calls: Messages From a Military Life, based on her long-running column in Stars and Stripes. She is also the editor of several award-winning books from Elva Resa Publishing.

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Military life offers endless opportunities to make new friends, and some of those new friends become friends for life. Long-term friendships offer the comfort and stability of history, especially for those who live mobile lives. Maintaining friendships over time and distance takes effort, but the rewards are lasting.

Longtime friends Holly Scherer and Kathie Hightower met when their Army husbands were students at the same school. In the decades of friendship that followed, they were never stationed in the same place. Nevertheless, these friends never let a few miles—or thousands—stand in their way. After writing a book together, they traveled all over the world to share their encouragement with military spouses.

“We have a very deep friendship,” says Holly. “Although we are so different, we are likeminded people. We believe in giving back, knowing there is always more to life.”

Holly lives in Virginia, and Kathie lives in Oregon, so they connect by phone every couple of weeks and get together at least once a year. It takes intentionality, a plan and follow through, both friends agree.

Air Force spouses Amanda Trimillos and Stacy Allsbrook-Huisman also wrote a book together after the military took them different directions. Stacy lives in Florida, and Amanda lives in Germany, but their collaboration and friendship continue.

Amanda says they model intentionality with their daughters, who became best friends while living next door to one another in Germany.

“Stacy and I and the girls have been trading months sending care packages back and forth since they moved,” says Amanda. “Our daughters really miss each other, so they fill the boxes with what they love. It’s a lot of fun to see Emily walk through the store thinking about what Abby would want to open in her box.”

Amanda and Stacy keep in close contact for personal and professional reasons, planning video chats and phone calls as often as they can, in spite of the time difference and busy schedules.

As Amanda and Stacy found when they met in Germany, new friends are an essential part of connecting and feeling at home in a new place. Long distance communication doesn’t provide the same level of support as a chat across the back fence.

“I like to say that everywhere I go, I need friends with skin on,” says Holly. “I need someone who is really right here with me.”

Friends with shared history are important too, even when military moves bring separation.

“My long-time friends and I went through life together. My new neighbor down the street hasn’t been there,” she says. “When you’ve been through war together, it’s like the way my husband feels about the guys he went to war with.”

The battle might be with loneliness and sick babies, but those who have been through it together are bonded.

“I have a long list of military friends from over the years,” Kathie says. “Even though we don’t connect as frequently (as Holly and I do) … we fall immediately back into that sense of deep friendship.”

“They’ve seen you when you are most vulnerable, and you’ve helped each other through it,” says Holly. Those are the friendships that can last a lifetime, friendships that enrich military life.

Making friends nearby is relatively easy. Staying in touch with those who are far away takes effort, a plan, and dedication.

Kathie, Holly, Amanda and Stacy offer their advice and the ways they stay connected with friends who are close in heart, but not in location.

Prioritize: “Ask yourself, ‘Who are people I want to have in my life, to keep in my life?’” Holly says. Then do what it takes to stay in touch, no matter where they live.

Be intentional: “For many years, I kept a list of the friends most important to me,” Kathie says, “and checked it monthly to be sure I consciously connected with them.”

Make time: “I have two clocks set on my iPhone. One has my time, the other has Amanda’s,” says Stacy. This keeps her aware of the best times to send a message or plan a call with her friend.

Be a multimedia friend: Apps for video chat and social media provide immediate and convenient connection. Cards, letters, and packages add another level of connection. Technology is essential, but Stacy says, “Mail is the best. Whether it’s German mustard and cookies or much needed Target items.” A letter or care package from a friend has value far beyond the price of postage.

Teach kids to connect: Amanda encourages her children to write cards and letters to friends who are far away. She says it’s also important for her, as a parent, to follow through and mail her children’s letters in a timely way.

Terri Barnes is the author of Spouse Calls: Messages From a Military Life, based on her long-running column in Stars and Stripes. She and her military family stay in touch with friends all over the world.

Kathie Hightower and Holly Scherer are the authors of Military Spouse Journey: Discover the Possibilities and Live Your Dreams. Amanda Trimillos and Stacy Allsbrook-Huisman are the authors of Seasons of my Military Student: Practical Ideas for Parents and Teachers.

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