“I don’t advise spouses to join a group to network if they’re just checking a box,” says Sue, an Air Force spouse. “That may sound counterintuitive from someone who runs a networking organization, but we need to change our mindset about what networking is. It should be organic, something that’s part of our everyday life, because every day is an opportunity to engage with people.” 

Some connections may be helpful in more ways than one, but relationships are likely to be stronger if they’re built on shared experience and genuine interest in others rather than self-interest. 

“I don’t want to see spouses falling into a serial-networking trap rather than developing real relationships.” Says Sue. “Those relationships are so important in military life.” 

Meaningful engagement can happen in the neighborhood, in a faith community, book club, or even at the commissary—anywhere people come together. This kind of networking is less about work and more about getting to know people. Joining a group for the purpose of career networking can’t replace having real relationships, where mutual helpfulness flourishes naturally. 

” … we need to change our mindset about what networking is. It should be organic, something that’s part of our everyday life, because every day is an opportunity to engage with people.”

–Sue Hoppin

“When you’re in the business of maintaining relationships, you don’t know how those relationships can benefit someone or what good things they will eventually accomplish,” she says. “Networking is a two-way street. It’s not all about what you can get from someone else. You also should think about what you can do for them.” 

Any relationship grows stronger when the participants look for ways to help one another, and networking can provide opportunities to pay it forward to other military spouses and friends. 

“Just because you and I have a relationship, and I may be in a position to help you, doesn’t necessarily mean you will be in a position to help me in return,” she says. “Our connection may or may not be helpful somewhere down the line, but that shouldn’t matter. I believe in putting good energy and good information out in the world. Something you can do might help someone else in ways you never expected.”

The best way to create networks and relationships, says Sue, is to focus on the person rather than what that person can do or who else they know.

“Put yourself out there and build authentic relationships,” she says, “that’s where the magic happens, not when we’re thinking of these relationships as purely transactional. Those least effective at networking are the ones keeping score. We can all help each other, and it’s those mutually beneficial relationships that help everything run.” 

Sue Hoppin wrote the essay “With a Little Help From My Friends” in Stories Around the Table: Laughter, Wisdom, and Strength in Military Life.

Connect with more expertise from Sue and other military spouses at the National Military Spouse Network website. Listen to Straight Talk with Sue every Monday at noon Eastern on the NMSN Facebook page, and check out the NMSN Instagram Live each Wednesday at 11:30 a.m. Eastern.

The post Meaningful Connections Create Strong Networks appeared first on Military Family Life.

Terri Barnes, the author of Spouse Calls: Messages from a Military Life, says it’s important to talk to kids about the good and the bad of each move to help them through the experience. An Air Force spouse, Terri shepherded her three children through dozens of school changes and moves, as well as writing extensively about mobility as a military family columnist for Stars and Stripes.

“Transitions are part of every life, military or civilian,” she says. “Change is hard. Moving is hard, especially when we’re in the thick of it, but when we make it through as a family, it makes us stronger together and individually. Successful transitions give kids confidence they can navigate other challenges.”

“Transitions are part of every life, military or civilian … Successful transitions give kids confidence they can navigate other challenges.” ~Terri Barnes

Terri offers these suggestions for healthy ways to guide children through the emotions and experiences of moving:

Keep a Positive Attitude

Military parents and other experts agree children of any age react and respond to the attitudes of their parents. A parent’s positive outlook about moving fosters optimism for kids. Don’t promise a new place will be better, and don’t pressure kids to be happy about moving, but do show an open mind about the new experience ahead.

Model positive thinking and hopefulness. Moving involves anxiety and uncertainty for kids and parents alike, and honest age-appropriate conversations are important. However, it’s best to vent strong adult reactions and frustrations with other adults and not with children.

Make Time to Grieve

While it’s important to be positive, it’s also necessary to be honest about the difficult parts of moving. Moving involves loss, so it is healthy and necessary to grieve those losses. Give children time and space to talk about the move and cry about it if they want to. Let them know they are not alone in their sorrow.

In ways appropriate to each child’s understanding, parents can talk about what they will miss when they move, reassuring kids it’s okay to be sad, that sadness won’t last forever, and the family will stick together throughout.

“When my kids were sad, I didn’t want them to think they were alone,” says Terri. “Sometimes I talked about the friends I would miss and how I was sad too. At the same time, I reassured them we could live through it together.”

Look Back

Remind kids about previous move experiences and talk about how they felt before and after. This helps them remember how they succeeded in a new place before, and they can succeed and make friends again. If they are open to it, talk to children about what they would like to do the same or differently in an upcoming move. Encourage them to set goals and to recognize ways they have grown through the challenges of moving.

Not every departure is a sad one. Sometimes a move takes a child away from a difficult school situation or peer group. Talk about what kids are happy to leave behind and ways they hope their new school or community will be different. If appropriate, brainstorm ways they might be able to create better situations or relationships at a new place. Talk about what those difficult situations or relationships may have taught them.

Offer Choices

When it comes to military moves, so much is beyond the control of children—and parents too. Look for ways to give kids some control over their circumstances:

• Find ways kids can help with preparations for the move.

  

• Saying goodbye is important. Set aside time for children to say goodbye to friends, teachers, and any significant people in their lives. Talk to each child about how and when he or she would like to say goodbye. Some kids love a party, but others may prefer more low-key farewells. Parties can be overwhelming for some children, so be attentive to their wishes and temperaments.
• Let children plan the décor and arrangements for their bedrooms and play spaces in their new home.
• Encourage kids to look for interesting activities in the new community. Is there a national park or another attraction nearby? An interesting museum or park? Help them look forward and plan ways the family can get to know their new neighborhood after the move.

Provide Structure

The days before, during, and after a move can be chaotic. Try to maintain familiar routines as much as possible. Establish moving traditions and rituals, like a special take-out meal on moving day, building box castles after unpacking, or placing a traditional first picture or piece of furniture in a new home.

Although there are plenty of ways to handle transition in healthy ways, no one really gets used to moving, Terri cautions. She emphasizes the importance of setting reasonable expectations and giving kids time and space to adjust after moving.

“When it comes to moving, practice does not make perfect. It’s a new world each time.”

–Terri Barnes

“Each move is different. Everyone in the family will experience it differently and have emotional reactions that require care and attention,” she says. “As kids grow, moves will probably get harder instead of easier, because friends become more and more important to them. They will need more time to reconnect and find friends. When it comes to moving, practice does not make perfect. It’s a new world each time.”

Growth comes from facing challenges in healthy ways, and Terri says it’s good to help military kids remember every family faces difficulty, not just military families. For any of life’s challenges, children benefit from open communication and encouragement to look for ways to grow through difficulty.

“I never wanted my kids to feel sorry for themselves or think military life was all hardship. There are so many positives to this life. It’s healthy to accept the good and the bad, to learn how to handle the challenges that are part of every life. It’s not just about surviving one move—or ten. It’s about learning to survive and grow for a lifetime.”

Terri Barnes is the senior editor at Elva Resa Publishing and has written and contributed to several books about military life including Spouse Calls: Messages From a Military Life, and Stories Around the Table: Laughter, Wisdom, and Strength in Military Life. Terri’s three military children attended more than 25 schools from Pre-K to high school graduation.

More helpful information about transitions for military children on SeasonsofMyMilitaryStudent.com:

• New School: 5 Tips to Prepare Your Student 
• Good Goodbyes Build Resilience and Strong Relationships
• About the Seasons of Transition^TM

The post Moving Kids: 5 Healthy Ways to Handle PCS appeared first on Military Family Life.

During her first five years of life, Kate had multiple surgeries, and spent many hours in therapy and doctor’s appointments. All the while, the family’s military life followed the usual course: deployments, moves, the birth of their son, Jackson. The Hiltons learned a lot—the hard way—and wanted to help others in similar situations.

“We learned where the gaps and weak spots are in our system for families with special needs,” Jeremy says. “These are broken things. If I don’t try to fix them, who’s going to?”

While the Hiltons were stationed in the Washington D.C. area, Jeremy added a new component to his mission: advocating for military children like Kate. He put his hard-won knowledge to work, testifying for multiple congressional committees and writing for major publications.

Jeremy was named Armed Forces Insurance Military Spouse of the Year in 2012, the first male to receive the title, and used the platform as a megaphone to advocate for medical care and better support for military families with special needs.

He wrote about being an effective advocate as a coauthor of Stories Around the Table: Laughter, Wisdom, and Strength in Military Life.

Though military moves have taken the family to a new home, Jeremy still keeps a finger on the pulse of Department of Defense policy issues affecting his daughter and other military kids.

As part of the Tricare for Kids Coalition, he continues to advocate for improvements and reform in military pediatric healthcare to better serve the needs of military families. Jeremy says changes are needed to close gaps in medical coverage for children with special needs and to improve accessibility to state programs for mobile military families. Often, those families are not in one place long enough to reach the top of state waiting lists for services.

“Practically every year since (the coalition’s) inception, we’ve had some luck getting legislation introduced to the National Defense Authorization Act,” says Jeremy. He maintains a legislative history of those changes, which he makes available to anyone, and says it’s important to build awareness and keep this topic in front of policy-makers and legislators.

Continuing Advocacy

Jeremy has returned to the civilian work force and also continues his work as an advocate. He offers his expertise individually, when someone reaches out to him for help, particularly military families impacted by disabilities, and he continues to push for policy and program changes.

One avenue for military families reach out to policy-makers, says Jeremy, is through the Military Family Readiness Council. The council, created by Congress, is a federal advisory committee whose sole purpose is to hear from military families, on any issue. The meetings and records of the council are open to the public. Military family members can submit information and attend the meetings, which are held at the Pentagon.

Jeremy created the DoD Military Family Readiness Council Information Page, an unofficial page to keep military families informed about the council meetings before and the issues they cover.

“I know and have worked with many of the council members over the years, all in unofficial capacities, sending them information when I think it will help,” says Jeremy.

Sources of Strength

Though Jeremy has seen improvements over the years, he’s also seen some government policies and pronouncements that look good, but don’t bring real change. He emphasizes there is still much the military should do—not just say—to support families with special needs.

“We are still five to ten years from getting this right,” he says. “An entire generation of military kids has grown up—literally since the start of the Afghanistan war to today—and things are marginally better.”

The road to creating change in a bureaucracy is a difficult one, but Jeremy says he finds strength in his family and his faith.

“When thinking about the roadblocks life puts in front of us, whatever the source,” he says, “I remember Philippians 4:6-7, ‘Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.’”

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Nancy Polette’s middle grade picture book, N Is for Never Forget: POW-MIA A to Z, includes many stories of American military heroes who were prisoners of war or were missing in action, as well as the ways military service is recognized in the United States. The book also includes suggested ways to honor veterans past and present. Here are some ideas based on Nancy’s book:

• Talk to a veteran or active duty service member in your family or community. Ask the veteran to tell his or her story.
• Write down the story. Take new pictures, or request past pictures of the veteran or service member. Use the story and pictures to make a book, and present it to the veteran or veteran’s family as a gift.
• Write a veteran’s story for your school or local paper. Be sure to get permission from the person before putting it in any publication. Use pictures if appropriate.
• Attend a Veterans Day parade or another special event in your community to honor veterans.
• If you see a military member in uniform, say, “Thank you for your service.”
• Visit a war memorial or veterans’ cemetery in your area. Read the names and inscriptions. What do you learn out about the people who served in the military by visiting places like this? Write down your thoughts and experiences.
• Volunteer, alongside family or friends, at an organization or event that supports wounded warriors.
• Find out about volunteer opportunities or needs at a Veterans Affairs hospital in your area.
• Write a letter to a military member serving far from his or her family.
• Read books about veterans and the ways they have served and sacrificed.
• Place flags or wreaths on veterans’ graves. Ask a local veterans organization or Wreaths Across America about opportunities near you. Wreaths Across America is an organization that places flags and wreaths on veterans’ graves across the nation with help from volunteers and donors.

The book N Is for Never Forget: POW-MIA A to Z by Nancy Polette was illustrated by Paul Dillon, whose father was a prisoner of war during World War II. The illustration of a Veterans Day parade featured with this article appears on the N page of the book. Reprinted with permission.

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Life coach and author Judy Hissong often asks her clients, “Are you breathing?”

It’s a serious question, because focused breathing is an effective method of stress reduction.

“Of course we are always breathing,” Judy says, “but stress and a busy schedule may be keeping us from breathing correctly.”

Newborn babies breathe very deeply, using all their diaphragm power and lung volume. Their pulse is rapid, and their abdomens rise and fall quickly, as their growing bodies gather needed oxygen. Judy explains that adults tend to lose this breathing technique, but it can be cultivated.

“Why not stop and take some deep healing breaths for no reason at all?” Judy says.

Judy offers these tips for deep, focused breathing:

• Sit with one hand on your abdomen and the other on your chest.
• Be sure your back and neck are straight; shoulders are down and relaxed.
• Inhale slowly through your nose, using your diaphragm to fill your lungs. If you are breathing correctly, the hand on your abdomen should move outward as your abdomen expands, but the hand on your chest should not move.
• Then begin a slow exhale of the same duration.
• Repeat this process for at least three breaths.
• On your third exhalation, blow the air out through your mouth, and emphasize emptying your lungs.
• Now, you know the number one stress-reliever in the world. Please, practice often, and share this gift with others.

Judy Hissong is a professional life coach and the daughter of a soldier. Her poem “Best Friends,” appears in Military Life: Stories and Poems for Children.

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