Begin Before Goodbye

Kids begin feeling the effects of deployment even before their service member parent departs, so conversations between parents and kids about what they think and feel about deployment should begin before it’s time to say goodbye.  

“Like their parents, kids have fears and anxieties about this experience,” says Karen Pavlicin, author of Surviving Deployment: A Guide for Military Families. “In the lead-up to deployment, involve them in appropriate ways. Be sure they feel included and that their feelings are heard.”   

Kids begin feeling the effects of deployment even before their service member parent departs.

It’s also important to hear kids’ concerns about deployment to clear up any misunderstandings or any worries they have that may be unfounded or disproportionate to the situation.  

“Ask them what they are thinking about,” says Karen. “You may be able to calm some of their worries right away.”  

Before departure, give children opportunities to spend one-on-one time with the deploying parent.

“Departure day is usually busy and emotional,” says Karen. “Take time together before that crazy day to give kids a chance to ask questions, talk, and have fun. The good memories will help them cope with tough days following the goodbyes.”

Provide Sense of Stability  

Children also benefit from stability at home to maintain a sense of security during deployment. Something as simple as maintaining daily routines can reassure kids they can depend on their family, even when one parent is absent. Julie Provost, a military spouse blogger at Soldier’s Wife Crazy Life says children need to know their parents are always ready to support them.  

Something as simple as maintaining daily routines can reassure kids they can depend on their family, even when one parent is absent.

“One of the things I do to give my kids a sense of security and stability when my husband is gone,” says Julie, “is by letting them know it is okay to come to me anytime they are upset, scared or just unsure about what is going on. I want them to know I am here for them one hundred percent.”  

Pay Attention to Feelings  

Sometimes, even with a supportive parent available to listen, kids find it difficult to talk about their worries or emotions about deployment, or even to know what their feelings are. For those times, journaling can be a useful activity, says Rachel Robertson, author of  Deployment Journal for Kids and an expert in early childhood development for Bright Horizons Family Solutions.  

“Keeping a journal is a proven tool for helping children manage stress and process complex emotions,” she says.  

Children may be feeling emotions they can’t understand or communicate.

Children may be feeling emotions they can’t understand or communicate, says Rachel. A journal gives them a place to express their feelings and sort them out.

 Journaling is also an activity easily tailored to each child’s age and ability. It can be completely personal or interactive with parents. Preschoolers can draw pictures and decorate their journal pages. Older children can write stories, songs, or poems, as well as daily happenings and thoughts.

Rachel emphasizes that playtime is important for children too, offering another way for kids to process their thoughts and feelings in a concrete way. 

“Play is the way children process life,” she says. “They don’t often have the words to talk about how they feel, so one way to find out about what is on their minds and what they’re feeling is to observe their play.” 

Find Ways to Take Action

Children are encouraged when they have positive ways to put their feelings and concerns into action. They could take action by volunteering in the community or place of worship, helping with household chores, or creating care packages for their deployed parent.

Karen says kids also enjoy being able to reach out to a deployed parent in meaningful and concrete ways. Writing letters, drawing, painting, and making homemade gifts provide creative outlets for kids and ways to communicate love and support for an absent parent.

To support kids during deployment, offer them positive ways to put their feelings and concerns into action.

Children can also keep a list of questions or news to share with a deployed parent at the next phone call or video chat. When kids have a question but can’t talk to their parent, writing it down gives them a place to put their thoughts. Having a list of topics may also help alleviate the shyness some kids feel when they get on the phone or video chat.  

Even activities not directly connected to deployment provide parents and kids with more opportunities to interact, offering a window into how kids are coping. Keeping daily routines, journaling, playing, and other activities are comforting to kids and also encourage ongoing, daily communication between parents and children.

“Give children plenty of reassurance,” Karen says. ”Throughout deployment they need to know your family is united, even when you’re apart.”

More about supporting kids during deployment:

• Deployment Goodbye: Preparation Eases Departure Sorrow 
• Write It Out: Journals Help Kids Process Emotions
• Playtime: 10 Ways to Brighten Deployment Days
• Children and Emotions from SurvivingDeployment.com

The post Four Essentials for Supporting Kids During Deployment appeared first on Military Family Life.

Terri Barnes, the author of Spouse Calls: Messages from a Military Life, says it’s important to talk to kids about the good and the bad of each move to help them through the experience. An Air Force spouse, Terri shepherded her three children through dozens of school changes and moves, as well as writing extensively about mobility as a military family columnist for Stars and Stripes.

“Transitions are part of every life, military or civilian,” she says. “Change is hard. Moving is hard, especially when we’re in the thick of it, but when we make it through as a family, it makes us stronger together and individually. Successful transitions give kids confidence they can navigate other challenges.”

“Transitions are part of every life, military or civilian … Successful transitions give kids confidence they can navigate other challenges.” ~Terri Barnes

Terri offers these suggestions for healthy ways to guide children through the emotions and experiences of moving:

Keep a Positive Attitude

Military parents and other experts agree children of any age react and respond to the attitudes of their parents. A parent’s positive outlook about moving fosters optimism for kids. Don’t promise a new place will be better, and don’t pressure kids to be happy about moving, but do show an open mind about the new experience ahead.

Model positive thinking and hopefulness. Moving involves anxiety and uncertainty for kids and parents alike, and honest age-appropriate conversations are important. However, it’s best to vent strong adult reactions and frustrations with other adults and not with children.

Make Time to Grieve

While it’s important to be positive, it’s also necessary to be honest about the difficult parts of moving. Moving involves loss, so it is healthy and necessary to grieve those losses. Give children time and space to talk about the move and cry about it if they want to. Let them know they are not alone in their sorrow.

In ways appropriate to each child’s understanding, parents can talk about what they will miss when they move, reassuring kids it’s okay to be sad, that sadness won’t last forever, and the family will stick together throughout.

“When my kids were sad, I didn’t want them to think they were alone,” says Terri. “Sometimes I talked about the friends I would miss and how I was sad too. At the same time, I reassured them we could live through it together.”

Look Back

Remind kids about previous move experiences and talk about how they felt before and after. This helps them remember how they succeeded in a new place before, and they can succeed and make friends again. If they are open to it, talk to children about what they would like to do the same or differently in an upcoming move. Encourage them to set goals and to recognize ways they have grown through the challenges of moving.

Not every departure is a sad one. Sometimes a move takes a child away from a difficult school situation or peer group. Talk about what kids are happy to leave behind and ways they hope their new school or community will be different. If appropriate, brainstorm ways they might be able to create better situations or relationships at a new place. Talk about what those difficult situations or relationships may have taught them.

Offer Choices

When it comes to military moves, so much is beyond the control of children—and parents too. Look for ways to give kids some control over their circumstances:

• Find ways kids can help with preparations for the move.

  

• Saying goodbye is important. Set aside time for children to say goodbye to friends, teachers, and any significant people in their lives. Talk to each child about how and when he or she would like to say goodbye. Some kids love a party, but others may prefer more low-key farewells. Parties can be overwhelming for some children, so be attentive to their wishes and temperaments.
• Let children plan the décor and arrangements for their bedrooms and play spaces in their new home.
• Encourage kids to look for interesting activities in the new community. Is there a national park or another attraction nearby? An interesting museum or park? Help them look forward and plan ways the family can get to know their new neighborhood after the move.

Provide Structure

The days before, during, and after a move can be chaotic. Try to maintain familiar routines as much as possible. Establish moving traditions and rituals, like a special take-out meal on moving day, building box castles after unpacking, or placing a traditional first picture or piece of furniture in a new home.

Although there are plenty of ways to handle transition in healthy ways, no one really gets used to moving, Terri cautions. She emphasizes the importance of setting reasonable expectations and giving kids time and space to adjust after moving.

“When it comes to moving, practice does not make perfect. It’s a new world each time.”

–Terri Barnes

“Each move is different. Everyone in the family will experience it differently and have emotional reactions that require care and attention,” she says. “As kids grow, moves will probably get harder instead of easier, because friends become more and more important to them. They will need more time to reconnect and find friends. When it comes to moving, practice does not make perfect. It’s a new world each time.”

Growth comes from facing challenges in healthy ways, and Terri says it’s good to help military kids remember every family faces difficulty, not just military families. For any of life’s challenges, children benefit from open communication and encouragement to look for ways to grow through difficulty.

“I never wanted my kids to feel sorry for themselves or think military life was all hardship. There are so many positives to this life. It’s healthy to accept the good and the bad, to learn how to handle the challenges that are part of every life. It’s not just about surviving one move—or ten. It’s about learning to survive and grow for a lifetime.”

Terri Barnes is the senior editor at Elva Resa Publishing and has written and contributed to several books about military life including Spouse Calls: Messages From a Military Life, and Stories Around the Table: Laughter, Wisdom, and Strength in Military Life. Terri’s three military children attended more than 25 schools from Pre-K to high school graduation.

More helpful information about transitions for military children on SeasonsofMyMilitaryStudent.com:

• New School: 5 Tips to Prepare Your Student 
• Good Goodbyes Build Resilience and Strong Relationships
• About the Seasons of Transition^TM

The post Moving Kids: 5 Healthy Ways to Handle PCS appeared first on Military Family Life.

Honor traditions. Don’t underestimate importance of continuity and beloved rituals in a time of change. Familiar celebrations are comforting. Modify if necessary when managing the holidays on your own, but keep some familiar traditions.

Start new traditions. Deployment may be a good time to try new ways to celebrate. For some children in military families, the usual celebrations seem sadder without mom or dad, while others may take comfort in them. Involve kids in family decisions about how to celebrate during holiday separations. Encourage their creativity, while being sensitive to their need for continuity.

Celebrate long distance. If possible, plan a video chat with the deployed parent/spouse during a family holiday party or dinner. Send care packages ahead of time with treats and decorations, if deployment conditions allow. Ask the deployed loved one to send a decoration from their location, if possible. The more unusual, the better!

Focus on the meaning of the holidays. Regardless of which holidays a family celebrates, all are enhanced by kindness, caring, love, and peace. Focus on the things to be grateful for instead of the things that are difficult.

Document the event. Take photos and videos. Take notes! Create a scrapbook of the holidays to share later. Kids and teens might enjoy taking photos or sharing creatively on social media. Don’t forget to use good operational security as needed.

Take care of yourself. While caring for children during deployment, it’s important for spouses at home to care for themselves too. Talk about feelings, spend time with friends; pay attention to good eating and sleeping habits.

Don’t be alone. Celebrate with other military families. Invite family to visit, or go to visit them. It is okay–in fact it is healthy–to ask for support.

Talk. Provide an open atmosphere for children and parents to share their feelings, modeling positive communication together. If the kids know Mom and Dad are sad, too — but are still able to be hopeful and happy — they will feel much better.

Spread the cheer. Reaching out to help someone else can shift the focus to the positive. Help a new military family, donate toys, visit a nursing home, or serve at the chow hall. Helping others is a healthy way to distract from loneliness and a great example  for children.

For military families and children, life is full of change, new schools and neighborhoods, friends who move, and deployed parents. Holidays full of laughter, traditions old and new, and quality family time provide continuity in military life and memories to last a lifetime.

Rachel Robertson is an educator specializing in childhood development. Her series of journals for military families going through deployment, include Deployment Journal for Spouses (3rd Edition) Memories and Milestones, Deployment Journal for Parents, and Deployment Journal for Kids.

The post Deployment Holiday Separations: Finding Reasons to Celebrate appeared first on Military Family Life.

• Have a plan and mentally prepare yourself for the move before it comes.
• Expect changes. Don’t be surprised when things aren’t the way they were in your old school. Each school or town has its own character.
• Try not to compare a new school to an old one. If you can accept the way things are in a new place, it will be a lot easier to adjust to the changes.
• Look for places and activities in your new town that correspond to your interests, like professional sports events, vintage record stores, bookstores, and museums
• Find out how to get involved in school activities before the school year starts. Check social media or call the school about clubs or organizations you are interested in.
• Join in. If you were in marching band, drama club, sports, etc. at your old school, join the same club at your new school. Many of these organizations start practice during the summer and could give you a chance to meet a few students before school starts. Having a few new friends and some familiarity in a new environment makes adjusting much easier on the first day of classes. 
• Connecting with a church can be an easy way to meet people your age. Most churches have youth activities. If you try one, and don’t like it, don’t be afraid to try a different one. 
• Keep in touch with old friends. It is hard to relocate; don’t try to make it an abrupt change. Look at moving as an opportunity to make new friends without losing old ones. 
• Meet new people. Confidence attracts. Introduce yourself, even if you feel shy.
• Get out! Go to football games or other places where lots of students are. The faster you can become familiar with people and the town, the better. Pretty soon, you won’t be “the new kid,” you will be part of your new high school. 

The post New High School: 10 Tips for a Positive Transition appeared first on Military Family Life.