“You can be respectful of boundaries and that [everyone] gets to have emotions and things they don’t want to share,” Rachel says. “But you can discuss the positive things you’ve written about with one another, and that can train your brain to look for more positive.”

Model Behavior

This can be an important exercise for parents to do with children, especially if the child may be reluctant to journal at first. According to Rachel, the best way to encourage children with an aversion to the activity is to model the behavior the parent would like to see.

“If a parent is doing it, kids will follow suit,” she says. “In any parenting situation, I advise parents to narrate their own thinking. Kids can’t learn from you if it’s just happening in your head.”

For example, a parent can say something like, “I’m struggling with this emotion. I’m going to sit down and journal about it. Do you want to sit with me?” By inviting their children to be a part of the process of journaling and expressing some thoughts out loud, parents can show children the benefits of journaling without telling them to do it.

Make a Judgement-Free Zone

It’s important for children to feel safe expressing (or not expressing) some of their emotions from their journal. But for them to feel safe, parents need to put the emphasis on the act of journaling—not the outcome of the journaling, says Rachel.

“Stop focusing on a child’s outcome. Focus on the improvement, effort, and process,” she says.

The more a child—or an adult, for that matter—journals, the more likely they may be to open up about those emotions, because they’ve had a chance to gain a bit of control over the way they are feeling.

“Processing through writing is very beneficial. We know the benefits of mindfulness and it’s the same thing,” Rachel says. “Get out of your head and write it down. One of the most important skills we can teach children is to recognize and analyze their own emotions.”

Build a Routine

Whether the routine is bedtime stories or Sunday pancakes, Rachel says the best way to incorporate journaling discussions is to build it into a routine.

“Whatever routines and rituals are already present, just build it in. Eventually it just becomes something you do,” she says. “You can be drawing versus writing. Anything that helps. Just build a daily or weekly habit.”

The time in-between family sessions can be just as important as the time in them, though. As children are learning to process their emotions, they need encouragement, space, and time, says Rachel.

Rachel’s journals for military families include Deployment Journal for Kids (2^nd edition), Deployment Journal for Spouses (3^rd edition), and Deployment Journal for Parents.

An author and educator focused on child development, Rachel Robertson combined her professional training and personal experience supporting herself and her two children through her husband’s military deployments to create a series of journals for families during deployment. All of her journals have been published by Elva Resa Publishing.

You may also be interested in reading:

Write It Out: Journals Help Kids Process Emotions (Military Family Life)
Journaling is a great way to help kids sort out the feelings they have about military life. The benefits of journaling are numerous. Rachel offers suggestions to help kids of any age get started with a journal, grouped by tips for kids in preschool, grade school, middle and high school.

Four Healthy Benefits of Journaling During Deployment (Military Family Life)
Self-care and self-expression are important for military spouses going through the stresses of deployment, and journaling during deployment provides both, says Rachel. She shares thoughts about four key benefits.

The post Journaling Together as a Family appeared first on Military Family Life.

When it comes to altered holiday plans, curtailed travel, and limited family gatherings, military families might wonder what all the fuss is about. We’ve been here before. Yes, we get it. It’s hard to be outside those holiday comfort zones, but we’ve learned that unusual times can inspire new ways to celebrate, ways that are still meaningful and memorable. Perhaps our experiences can offer a glimmer of hope for civilian friends and neighbors in this pandemic season.

When the holidays roll around, a military family often can’t gather around the holiday table with grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles. We may be in a new location without a large friend group—yet. Deployment or other circumstances might separate us from our spouses or—for active duty members—our children. Each holiday season is different from the last, so we don’t get used to the changes, we adapt.

It’s hard to be outside our comfort zones at the holidays, but we’ve learned that unusual times can inspire new ways to celebrate, ways that are still meaningful and memorable.

Whether stationed overseas or across the country, military families can’t rely on the comfort of visiting the same local light display or Christmas tree farm every year. We might be living in the mountains, the desert, or the tropics. It’s not as glamorous as it sounds. Sometimes it’s just lonely, but the lessons we’ve learned in those those difficult seasons could be helpful to military and civilians families this year. For everyone facing an unusual or difficult holiday season, here are some new ways to celebrate special days:

Lean on Friends

We may not have invented “framily”—friends who become like family—but military families knew it was a thing long before it had a name. We’ve celebrated some wonderful holidays with good friends when we couldn’t be with our family. If a big group isn’t practical, get together with a couple of friends. If gatherings aren’t possible, or if neighbors aren’t friends yet, connect by dropping off homemade holiday decorations or treats. Use this season to build new relationships. You might find someone else in need of friends to lean on.

Enjoy Simplicity

Sure, those big family gatherings are a lot of chaotic fun, but why not take advantage of simpler days while they’re available? Limited holiday options might mean less stress and money spent coordinating travel, preparing big meals, and making time for all the relatives. That also means more room to reflect on the meaning of holiday observances; more space to be mindful of moments with just a few special people. Chaos will surely return. For now, enjoy the benefits of quieter days while they’re here.

Branch Out

A pared down holiday offers another thing most holidays are short on: time. Holiday busy-ness doesn’t always leave time to try something new, but if this holiday is less full and busy, it could provide opportunities to branch out. Perhaps that could include sharing with someone in need, preparing meals, delivering food or clothing. Branching out could also include exploring where you are. Every time and place has its own flavor and opportunities that might not come again. Find something unique to the location or culture and incorporate it into the celebration this year. These experiences can create treasured memories and new traditions.

Be Present

Even if this isn’t the holiday you hoped for, it’s one that will never come again. Be there for it. Next year you might be with the loved ones you’re missing today, but for now enjoy the ones you’re with. Store up memories and stories to tell around the fire in years to come. Make a gratitude list. In every year there’s something to be thankful for, and your list may be longer than you realize.

Even in challenging times, celebrations are important. They remind us of what is essential, even when—or because—we have to be apart. With intentionality and openness to new experiences, even a difficult holiday can be a meaningful one.

Terri Barnes is the author of Spouse Calls: Messages From a Military Life, based on her long-running column in Stars and Stripes. She and her Air Force husband and their military family have celebrated unusual and meaningful holidays on multiple continents—sometimes on separate continents. Terri is also the editor of multiple award-winning books from Elva Resa Publishing.

More ideas and encouragement for the holidays:

• Keeping Traditions in Transition: Making Spirits Bright
• Deployment Holidays: Finding Reasons to Celebrate

The post New Ways to Celebrate: Military Life Offers Inspiration appeared first on Military Family Life.

Making people laugh comes easy for Lisa, a humor columnist and author of The Meat and Potatoes of Life: My True Lit Com, a funny memoir about motherhood and marriage. The pandemic has shifted the dynamics of the Molinari household, with both Lisa and her husband, Francis, now working from home, and their college-aged daughters also home after their campuses were closed.

“My best coping strategy has always been humor,” says Lisa, who has used humor to overcome insecurities since being voted Class Clown in high school. She adds, “It puts people at ease, and helps me deal with tension during stressful times, like deployments or global pandemics.”

Family foibles are magnified by enforced togetherness, and sometimes the only remedy is a dose of laughter.

Lisa says not taking herself too seriously has helped her handle serious events in her life. As a navy wife, she discovered humor writing as a way to get through her husband’s year-long deployment when their kids were young. After one of her essays was published in the Washington Post, Lisa was inspired to pursue a career as newspaper columnist. Now her weekly humor column appears in Stars and Stripes and dozens of newspapers across the country.

“It’s not always easy to find material,” she admits. “Some days I’m wracking my brain for ways to see how this is funny, but we manage to find a way to laugh anyway. People tell me that I have the best stories, but really, I don’t live an extraordinary life — I just know how to see the humor in everyday things. Carpools, chicken nuggets, clogged toilets, and mortgage payments might sound boring, but any situation has the raw material for a hilarious story if you look for it.”

That doesn’t mean her three kids always think she is funny—especially after weeks of quarantine togetherness—but her husband, Francis, is fond of a good joke and doesn’t mind when the laugh is on him. Still, Lisa says using humor to cope requires balance. She offers a few tips for laughing through challenges without laughing off what’s important:

Lift up, don’t put down. Make sure the humor doesn’t come at someone else’s expense. Busting chops may start in good fun, but when it goes too far, it hurts. It’s far too costly in the long run. Humor should bring you together, and an inside joke isn’t funny if you’re the one on the outside.

Lighten the mood. Especially a minor problem becomes magnified. Use humor to ease tensions and put things back into perspective.

Be sensitive. Isolation may cause more sensitivity and anxiety, so humor may not apply to everyone in every situation. Be sure your family knows you take their feelings and problems seriously.

Look beyond the one-liner. Humor isn’t only about making a joke. Good humor also means kindness and a light-hearted attitude.

Self-deprecatory humor puts others at ease. Better to laugh at yourself than make a joke at someone else’s expense.

Never ridicule and be careful with sarcasm or snark. These tear down rather than build up when directed at a person. Use humor to lift each other up. This is true no matter what is going on in the world.

“Our family sees humor as a virtue, and that’s just as true now as it ever was,” says Lisa. “Humor is such a significant part of our family life. It helps us cope now when we are all stuck together. If we can laugh at ourselves or the situation a little bit, we can lift each other up.”

Lisa Smith Molinari is also a coauthor of Stories Around the Table: Laughter, Wisdom, and Strength in Military Life and has contributed to two editions of Chicken Soup for the Soul. Read more about Lisa’s work on her website The Meat and Potatoes of Life.

More good humor and good advice from Lisa Smith Molinari:

But Seriously: 5 Ways to Handle Family Life With Humor

The post Lisa Smith Molinari: Togetherness with a Dose of Laughter appeared first on Military Family Life.

Giving back is the key to getting the most out of any military assignment. Finding ways to contribute to an adopted locale, according to military spouses, is often the best way to connect and feel at home in a new duty station.

“Every time we move to a new place, connecting to our community feels like an important way to establish ourselves,” says Claire Wood, army spouse, blogger and podcaster at MilSpo Gurus. “We know we won’t be permanent residents, but we find that when we seek connections, our time on station is so much richer and more meaningful.”

Lisa Smith Molinari, navy spouse and author of the upcoming book The Meat and Potatoes of Life: My True Lit Com (Elva Resa Spring 2020) says volunteering has always provided her family with opportunities for fun and connection.

“Helping out might have seemed saintly, but it was the quickest way to make new friends, and we knew it,” she says. “Sure, we worked hard, helping scouts deliver holiday wreaths and teaching Sunday school, and selling hamburgers at football games, but our little secret was that we were having a really good time, too.”

Maria Reed, creator and host of Moving With the Military, says giving back to her community offers connections both civilian and military.

“Volunteering outside the gates is an incredible way to get to know where you live and those in the area,” she says. “It can help you build new friendship and ties to others who live there as well. Volunteering gives military members and their families an opportunity to connect with each other and the communities they live in.”

Keep Your Balance

Getting to know a place and the people are the first step toward enjoying any assignment, maybe even loving it. Getting involved can also be time-consuming, so choosing opportunities that fit the family’s work and school schedule is important.

“Know what your limitations are so that you just don’t say yes to everything,” says Maria. “Take care of yourself too.”

“You cannot pour from an empty cup,” says Claire, “so be sure your basic physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional reserves are full before you hit the ground running. Give yourself full permission to assess to see if you have the time and energy to commit to new serving opportunities.”

Claire also adds a reminder that there are many ways to give.

“You can choose to give with your time, your talent, or your resources. It doesn’t have to be all three,” she says. “In a season where you don’t have much time, you may feel inclined to make a monetary charitable contribution. If you don’t have financial resources to give, maybe you can donate your unique skills.”

All kinds of giving are meaningful, says Maria, whether organizing a clothing drive, taking cookies to a neighbor, or offering a smile and a kind word. She and other military spouses created the #GivingTuesdayMilitary initiative, which challenges military service members, families, and veterans to engage with their communities through one million acts of kindness on Giving Tuesday, which falls the week after Thanksgiving.

Reach Out

Whatever one’s abilities or resources, don’t hold a new community at arm’s length, says veteran air force spouse Joan Brown, author of Move and Other Four-Letter Words. Connect in small ways that fit your time and inclinations.

“No one can love what he or she doesn’t know,” she says. “Getting to know one another better is, I think, what life is all about and the ultimate reason for connecting to one another.”

Joan says the warm welcome she received at one assignment, particularly impressed on her the importance of welcoming newcomers.

“I realized we had become part of another and very special family, as well as the one we had each been born into,” she says. Substituting in local schools helped Joan connect when stationed in Guam. At several assignments, she says teaching English as a second language to military dependents gave her perspective into her communities.

“I realized we had become part of another and very special family, as well as the one we had each been born into.”

–Joan Brown

“Back when family services was a totally volunteer organization,” says Joan, “welcoming newcomers became my favorite weekly volunteer effort, then and for years to come. It’s one we’ve continued as retirees, whenever there are newcomers to our neighborhood or any of the organizations we’re involved with.”

Claire’s husband, Ryan, is an army chaplain, and she says their family looks for ways to plug in at the chapel on post, helping out with event-planning, children’s and women’s ministries.

“I also try to volunteer my time within our unit organizations. In our local communities, I find the local Daughters of the American Revolution chapter and join in with their patriotic and educational efforts,” says Claire, who is a teacher.

Bring the Kids

Involving the whole family in activities for giving back offers bonding experiences and teachable moments for those with children.

I’ll admit, I ‘voluntold’ our kids to participate in food drives, Eagle Scout projects, homeless shelters, neighborhood events, and charity fundraisers we did over the years,” says Lisa, “but in the end, the kids connected with the other volunteers and learned a little something about the needs out there in the world. No matter where we lived, I taught them that if you want to make friends, you’ve got to roll up your sleeves and get out there.”

Maria agrees that giving back is a teaching as well as connecting experience.

“My son is in the Junior ROTC at his school,” she says. “We are working with all the kids to help give back to the community through community cleanup efforts and spending time with the elderly and the VFW members. I think it is important for our young people to learn from the generations before them and show their respect and gratitude.”

Explore the Possibilities

Reaching out or taking the first step may be difficult, but the results—friendship, connection, and contribution—make each effort worthwhile.

“Sometimes being a military family feels like a major sacrifice on its own,” says Claire, between relocations, family separations, deployments, and such. “It’s a lot, and it can easily feel like you don’t have much more to give. But when our family approaches our service with the mindset of giving to others, we are often the ones who receive so much more. Our serving has connected us with wonderful friends; it has given us varied and wonderful local experiences. It has helped us to take the focus off of our own struggles.”

Terri Barnes is a military spouse and author of Spouse Calls: Messages From a Military Life, based on her long-running column in Stars and Stripes. She is also the editor of several award-winning books from Elva Resa Publishing.

The post Strong Community Connections Begin With Giving Back appeared first on Military Family Life.

“The world is complicated,” Lisa says, “Raising kids and keeping a marriage intact is about as easy as juggling wolverines. Handling the stresses and complication of family life with humor has always been my best coping strategy.”

She began laughing at life early on and was named “Class Clown” in middle school and again in high school. “Being funny was a way to fit in, to find friends, to entertain,” Lisa says. “Later it became way to ease tensions and get through tough chapters and the daily grind too.”

When Lisa became a mom and later had middle schoolers of her own, being able to take life with a dose of humor became even more important. Writing became another outlet for her, one that merged easily with her ability to find something funny in most situations.

Lisa says she was often  stressed by the details of her busy routine as a wife and mother of three. In her years of military life, that meant deployments and frequent moves. However, she says it was the minutiae of a hyperconnected world that threatened to overwhelm her.

“There’s so much to keep track of,” she says. “Coffee pods and car pools, gluten and global warming, social media and salad spinners. Humor always helped me keep perspective, to sort through the never-ending details and demands to find what really matters—and more importantly—what doesn’t.”

“Humor always helped me keep perspective, to sort through the never-ending details and demands to find what really matters—and more importantly—what doesn’t.”

   — Lisa Smith Molinari

By applying her sense of humor, Lisa says she was able to see that much of what bogged her down in life was inconsequential.

“Laughing at the trivial things in my daily life helps me face my fears and insecurities and focus on what’s most important to my family — like snuggling with the dog, the finer points of making popcorn, and never missing an episode of Survivor.”

Lisa began to pursue a career as newspaper columnist in 2010 after having an essay about marriage published in the Washington Post. Her weekly column The Meat and Potatoes of Life now appears in Stars and Stripes, reaching military communities all over the world. The column is also published in dozens of newspapers across the country. In 2018, Lisa won a first-place award for humor columns from the National Society of Newspaper Columnists.

That doesn’t mean her three kids always think she is funny, but her husband, Francis, is fond of a good joke and doesn’t mind when the laugh is on him. Still, Lisa says using humor to cope has limits. She offers this advice for laughing through challenges without laughing off what’s important:

Self-deprecatory humor is one of the best ways to put others at ease. Don’t take it too far, or it looks like fishing for compliments.

When communicating a valid complaint to a family member, approach with a bit of humor to soften the blow. My daughter once offered this well-strategized compliment to my husband with a surprised smile: “Daddy, your breath doesn’t stink today!”

Playful banter between family members can be a blast, but relentlessly busting each other’s chops can lead to hurt feelings. Pay attention to reactions, and don’t take a joke so far that it’s disrespectful.

Different people are comfortable with different kinds of humor. Know what’s appropriate for each family member. I might appreciate the risque joke my husband heard in the locker room, but if he tells it on  taco night in front of the kids, I’ll find it about as funny as a screen door on a submarine.

Be careful with sarcasm or snark.  It can come across as abrasive  when you should be shooting for playful. Remember, you love your family, so don’t put them down just for a laugh.

“Humor has been such a significant part of our family life,” says Lisa. “Our family sees it as a virtue, as laudable as courage, integrity and good character. Over the years, I’ve shown our children all the ways good humor can be a useful tool in dealing with grumpy people, mediocre grades, dust bunnies, and bad breath…. and when all else fails, impromptu dance parties in the kitchen make any day better.”

Lisa Smith Molinari is also a coauthor of Stories Around the Table: Laughter, Wisdom, and Strength in Military Life and has contributed to two editions of Chicken Soup for the Soul. Read more about Lisa’s work on her website The Meat and Potatoes of Life.

The post But Seriously: 5 Ways to Handle Family Life with Humor appeared first on Military Family Life.

Honor traditions. Don’t underestimate importance of continuity and beloved rituals in a time of change. Familiar celebrations are comforting. Modify if necessary when managing the holidays on your own, but keep some familiar traditions.

Start new traditions. Deployment may be a good time to try new ways to celebrate. For some children in military families, the usual celebrations seem sadder without mom or dad, while others may take comfort in them. Involve kids in family decisions about how to celebrate during holiday separations. Encourage their creativity, while being sensitive to their need for continuity.

Celebrate long distance. If possible, plan a video chat with the deployed parent/spouse during a family holiday party or dinner. Send care packages ahead of time with treats and decorations, if deployment conditions allow. Ask the deployed loved one to send a decoration from their location, if possible. The more unusual, the better!

Focus on the meaning of the holidays. Regardless of which holidays a family celebrates, all are enhanced by kindness, caring, love, and peace. Focus on the things to be grateful for instead of the things that are difficult.

Document the event. Take photos and videos. Take notes! Create a scrapbook of the holidays to share later. Kids and teens might enjoy taking photos or sharing creatively on social media. Don’t forget to use good operational security as needed.

Take care of yourself. While caring for children during deployment, it’s important for spouses at home to care for themselves too. Talk about feelings, spend time with friends; pay attention to good eating and sleeping habits.

Don’t be alone. Celebrate with other military families. Invite family to visit, or go to visit them. It is okay–in fact it is healthy–to ask for support.

Talk. Provide an open atmosphere for children and parents to share their feelings, modeling positive communication together. If the kids know Mom and Dad are sad, too — but are still able to be hopeful and happy — they will feel much better.

Spread the cheer. Reaching out to help someone else can shift the focus to the positive. Help a new military family, donate toys, visit a nursing home, or serve at the chow hall. Helping others is a healthy way to distract from loneliness and a great example  for children.

For military families and children, life is full of change, new schools and neighborhoods, friends who move, and deployed parents. Holidays full of laughter, traditions old and new, and quality family time provide continuity in military life and memories to last a lifetime.

Rachel Robertson is an educator specializing in childhood development. Her series of journals for military families going through deployment, include Deployment Journal for Spouses (3rd Edition) Memories and Milestones, Deployment Journal for Parents, and Deployment Journal for Kids.

The post Deployment Holiday Separations: Finding Reasons to Celebrate appeared first on Military Family Life.

Nancy Polette’s middle grade picture book, N Is for Never Forget: POW-MIA A to Z, includes many stories of American military heroes who were prisoners of war or were missing in action, as well as the ways military service is recognized in the United States. The book also includes suggested ways to honor veterans past and present. Here are some ideas based on Nancy’s book:

• Talk to a veteran or active duty service member in your family or community. Ask the veteran to tell his or her story.
• Write down the story. Take new pictures, or request past pictures of the veteran or service member. Use the story and pictures to make a book, and present it to the veteran or veteran’s family as a gift.
• Write a veteran’s story for your school or local paper. Be sure to get permission from the person before putting it in any publication. Use pictures if appropriate.
• Attend a Veterans Day parade or another special event in your community to honor veterans.
• If you see a military member in uniform, say, “Thank you for your service.”
• Visit a war memorial or veterans’ cemetery in your area. Read the names and inscriptions. What do you learn out about the people who served in the military by visiting places like this? Write down your thoughts and experiences.
• Volunteer, alongside family or friends, at an organization or event that supports wounded warriors.
• Find out about volunteer opportunities or needs at a Veterans Affairs hospital in your area.
• Write a letter to a military member serving far from his or her family.
• Read books about veterans and the ways they have served and sacrificed.
• Place flags or wreaths on veterans’ graves. Ask a local veterans organization or Wreaths Across America about opportunities near you. Wreaths Across America is an organization that places flags and wreaths on veterans’ graves across the nation with help from volunteers and donors.

The book N Is for Never Forget: POW-MIA A to Z by Nancy Polette was illustrated by Paul Dillon, whose father was a prisoner of war during World War II. The illustration of a Veterans Day parade featured with this article appears on the N page of the book. Reprinted with permission.

The post Military Appreciation: 11 Ways to Honor Veterans appeared first on Military Family Life.

In The Wishing Tree, a book by Mary Redman, illustrated by Christina Rodriguez, a military child named Amanda is inspired by yellow ribbons on a neighborhood tree to create a reminder of her deployed father. Her “>wishing tree” becomes a place to collect wishes, hopes, and prayers for him.

Amanda writes hopes for her father, like “I hope your flight is safe,” and prayers, “Please, protect my daddy from harm,” on yellow ribbons and tied them to an artificial tree from a craft store.

There are many different ways to create a wishing tree. Use some of these ideas or imagine you own.

Miniature Wishing Tree

• Start with a small tree or plant (artificial or real) or a tree branch. If necessary, place it in a flower pot or jar, supported by florist foam.<
• Write your wishes on lengths of ribbon with a fabric pen and tie them to the branches.

Bulletin Board Wishing Tree

• From a sheet of construction paper or fabric, cut out the shape of a bare tree with plenty of long branches. Attach it to a bulletin board or poster board on the wall.
• Cut out leaves or other shapes from ribbon, paper, flannel, or other fabric. Have family members, students, or other participants write wishes, hopes, and prayers on the wishing leaves and attach them to the tree.

Containers for Wishes

• Box: Select a box with a lid. Cut an opening in the box top or use a lid that lifts off. Decorate the box with photos of a person you are gathering wishes for. Write wishes on small pieces of paper or paper leaves and put into the box.
• Jar: Use a large clear container, like a pickle or candy jar, and colored pieces of paper or ribbon to write your wishes. Decorate the jar, or let the colorful wishes inside show through. Your wishing jar will grow more beautiful with each prayer or wish added.
  

Wishing Tree Placemats

• Draw a picture of a tree on a piece of paper the size you want your placemat to be. Include leaves on the tree, and photos of your family around the tree, if you like.
• Laminate the paper.
• Use markers or crayons to write wishes on the leaves. Add new wishes at each meal.

Holiday Wishing Trees

• Write wishes on ribbons, paper ornaments, or other craft items. Decorate your family treat the holidays with your wishes and hopes for others.
• Create a giving tree, decorating with wishes from others in need. Encourage everyone to select a wish from the tree and make it come true!

Create Your Own Wishing Tree Idea:

Share your wishing tree pictures with Military Family Life on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter! Use the hashtag #wishingtreebook

Feature photo: A young girl places her paper love note on an art board wishing tree at a reunion workshop in Vicenza, Italy. Photo by Karen Pavlicin-Fragnito.

The post Wishing Tree Holds Deployment Hopes and Wishes appeared first on Military Family Life.