Giving back is the key to getting the most out of any military assignment. Finding ways to contribute to an adopted locale, according to military spouses, is often the best way to connect and feel at home in a new duty station.

“Every time we move to a new place, connecting to our community feels like an important way to establish ourselves,” says Claire Wood, army spouse, blogger and podcaster at MilSpo Gurus. “We know we won’t be permanent residents, but we find that when we seek connections, our time on station is so much richer and more meaningful.”

Lisa Smith Molinari, navy spouse and author of the upcoming book The Meat and Potatoes of Life: My True Lit Com (Elva Resa Spring 2020) says volunteering has always provided her family with opportunities for fun and connection.

“Helping out might have seemed saintly, but it was the quickest way to make new friends, and we knew it,” she says. “Sure, we worked hard, helping scouts deliver holiday wreaths and teaching Sunday school, and selling hamburgers at football games, but our little secret was that we were having a really good time, too.”

Maria Reed, creator and host of Moving With the Military, says giving back to her community offers connections both civilian and military.

“Volunteering outside the gates is an incredible way to get to know where you live and those in the area,” she says. “It can help you build new friendship and ties to others who live there as well. Volunteering gives military members and their families an opportunity to connect with each other and the communities they live in.”

Keep Your Balance

Getting to know a place and the people are the first step toward enjoying any assignment, maybe even loving it. Getting involved can also be time-consuming, so choosing opportunities that fit the family’s work and school schedule is important.

“Know what your limitations are so that you just don’t say yes to everything,” says Maria. “Take care of yourself too.”

“You cannot pour from an empty cup,” says Claire, “so be sure your basic physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional reserves are full before you hit the ground running. Give yourself full permission to assess to see if you have the time and energy to commit to new serving opportunities.”

Claire also adds a reminder that there are many ways to give.

“You can choose to give with your time, your talent, or your resources. It doesn’t have to be all three,” she says. “In a season where you don’t have much time, you may feel inclined to make a monetary charitable contribution. If you don’t have financial resources to give, maybe you can donate your unique skills.”

All kinds of giving are meaningful, says Maria, whether organizing a clothing drive, taking cookies to a neighbor, or offering a smile and a kind word. She and other military spouses created the #GivingTuesdayMilitary initiative, which challenges military service members, families, and veterans to engage with their communities through one million acts of kindness on Giving Tuesday, which falls the week after Thanksgiving.

Reach Out

Whatever one’s abilities or resources, don’t hold a new community at arm’s length, says veteran air force spouse Joan Brown, author of Move and Other Four-Letter Words. Connect in small ways that fit your time and inclinations.

“No one can love what he or she doesn’t know,” she says. “Getting to know one another better is, I think, what life is all about and the ultimate reason for connecting to one another.”

Joan says the warm welcome she received at one assignment, particularly impressed on her the importance of welcoming newcomers.

“I realized we had become part of another and very special family, as well as the one we had each been born into,” she says. Substituting in local schools helped Joan connect when stationed in Guam. At several assignments, she says teaching English as a second language to military dependents gave her perspective into her communities.

“I realized we had become part of another and very special family, as well as the one we had each been born into.”

–Joan Brown

“Back when family services was a totally volunteer organization,” says Joan, “welcoming newcomers became my favorite weekly volunteer effort, then and for years to come. It’s one we’ve continued as retirees, whenever there are newcomers to our neighborhood or any of the organizations we’re involved with.”

Claire’s husband, Ryan, is an army chaplain, and she says their family looks for ways to plug in at the chapel on post, helping out with event-planning, children’s and women’s ministries.

“I also try to volunteer my time within our unit organizations. In our local communities, I find the local Daughters of the American Revolution chapter and join in with their patriotic and educational efforts,” says Claire, who is a teacher.

Bring the Kids

Involving the whole family in activities for giving back offers bonding experiences and teachable moments for those with children.

I’ll admit, I ‘voluntold’ our kids to participate in food drives, Eagle Scout projects, homeless shelters, neighborhood events, and charity fundraisers we did over the years,” says Lisa, “but in the end, the kids connected with the other volunteers and learned a little something about the needs out there in the world. No matter where we lived, I taught them that if you want to make friends, you’ve got to roll up your sleeves and get out there.”

Maria agrees that giving back is a teaching as well as connecting experience.

“My son is in the Junior ROTC at his school,” she says. “We are working with all the kids to help give back to the community through community cleanup efforts and spending time with the elderly and the VFW members. I think it is important for our young people to learn from the generations before them and show their respect and gratitude.”

Explore the Possibilities

Reaching out or taking the first step may be difficult, but the results—friendship, connection, and contribution—make each effort worthwhile.

“Sometimes being a military family feels like a major sacrifice on its own,” says Claire, between relocations, family separations, deployments, and such. “It’s a lot, and it can easily feel like you don’t have much more to give. But when our family approaches our service with the mindset of giving to others, we are often the ones who receive so much more. Our serving has connected us with wonderful friends; it has given us varied and wonderful local experiences. It has helped us to take the focus off of our own struggles.”

Terri Barnes is a military spouse and author of Spouse Calls: Messages From a Military Life, based on her long-running column in Stars and Stripes. She is also the editor of several award-winning books from Elva Resa Publishing.

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When navigating and building support networks for military life, personal connections make all the difference. For all the moving pieces—transitions, mental health, school changes, deployment, and more—many avenues of support are available, and a few helping hands can bring those pieces together. Department of Defense programs, nonprofit organizations, and military-oriented companies are effective in different ways in different situations

“One of the most important ways to learn what resources are available and worthwhile is connecting with others in the military community who have the experience you’re seeking,” says Kellie Artis, army spouse and chief operating officer at Millie, which offers resources and information for moving military families.

When heading to a new duty station, Kellie says “Connect with someone—preferably someone who is thriving there—and ask them everything you can think of. If you’re facing challenges with exceptional family member status, school transitions for kids, food insecurity, deployment stress, you name it, there is most certainly another military spouse that has dealt with similar situations and has insight to give.”

The Millie website lists information about military installations, finding help with real estate, school districts, and commutes, as well as transition checklists and toolkits.

“One of the most important ways to learn what resources are available and worthwhile is connecting with others in the military community …”

–Kellie Artis

When it comes to counseling and mental health, Corie Weathers, army spouse, clinical consultant, and author of Sacred Spaces: My Journey to the Heart of Military Marriage says military families may not be aware they have many options. She agrees that someone to offer a starting point in the search can be helpful.

Within the military system, she says families can speak with chaplains and Military Family Life Counseling Program for short term or focused care. For civilian care, Tricare provides coverage.

“Families may not know they can find a local Tricare (mental healthcare) provider without a referral from their primary care physician,” says Corie. “Many clinicians, like myself, provide online counseling, or tele-health sessions. Individual counseling through Tricare for dependents, including children, is as easy as picking up a phone call and making an appointment.

Corie’s Lifegiver website includes a clinician directory to help military families find practitioners who serve the military community. Many of the care providers in Corie’s directory are also military family members or veterans.

School transitions are another prime concern for military families. Air Force spouses Amanda Trimillos and Stacy Allsbrook-Huisman, coauthors of Seasons of My Military Student: Practical Ideas for Parents and Teachers, say personal connections are essential here too.

“Sometimes building a strong parent-teacher team starts with connecting with the school counselor and fellow military parents even before we arrive at our new location,” says Amanda, a military spouse and mother of four. “These groups can answer questions and offer suggestions for how to settle into a new school. As a teacher I especially appreciate when a parent reaches out to me to begin building the partnership as soon as possible – even before the first day of school.”

“Building a strong parent-teacher team starts with connecting … even before we arrive at our new location.”

–Amanda Trimillos

Stacy says making connections is not only crucial, it also saves time and heartache when entering a new school and community. 

“I can remember the feelings of being left out of the know at a new school and feeling alone,” she says. “I felt like I’ve disappointed my kids by not forging a way through a new community to provide a better transition. After so many years of military life, these experiences have armed me with empathy. We can help other families navigate the chaotic life of school transitions and maybe keep them from making the same mistakes.”

Amanda and Stacy moderate a Facebook group dedicated to connecting parents and teachers with one another to share support and information; and SeasonsofMyMilitaryStudent.com, has articles and resources especially for parents and teachers of military-connected students.

“We all looked out for each other … what meant the most to me was that I was not alone.”

–Benita Koeman

Benita Koeman, coauthor of Stories Around the Table: Laughter, Wisdom, and Strength in Military Life, was inspired by experiences during her army husband’s deployments to create Operation We are Here. The website lists programs, materials, and ideas for supporting military families. Benita’s mission is to share avenues of support for military families and those around them, like local churches, civic groups, extended family, and neighbors.

Operation We are Here includes hundreds of links to services, books, military-connected businesses, blogs, websites, support organizations, checklists, guidance for families during deployment, wounded warriors, families of the fallen, and more.

Although having good information is important, Benita said friendships provided the best kind of support for her during deployment, recalling a particular neighborhood that became a powerful network of support during deployments.

“We all looked out for each other and carried on with shared memories, but what meant the most to me was that I was not alone,” says Benita. “I don’t think of that neighborhood as a geographical location. It represents a community of caring, military-supportive people.”

The many moving pieces of military life fit together better and are improved by strong friendships and a community that shares ideas, information, and resources.

“You are not alone,” says Kellie, “and you don’t have to reinvent the wheel when it comes to this lifestyle.”

Terri Barnes is a military spouse and author of Spouse Calls: Messages From a Military Life, based on her long-running column in Stars and Stripes. She is also the editor of several award-winning books from Elva Resa Publishing.

The post Helping Hands Build Strong Support Networks appeared first on Military Family Life.

“My mom got this recipe from a military spouse friend of hers when I was a teenager. When I got married, she gave me the notebook full of recipes she wrote down for me, including the pumpkin cookies. Since then, I have baked these cookies everywhere we’ve been,” Terri says.

For Terri, her Air Force husband, Mark, and their three children, “everywhere” includes four assignments overseas and nine more in the U.S. In each new neighborhood, sharing cookies provided a way for the family to reach out and meet their neighbors.

Plenty to share

“I bake a lot of cookies when I get out this recipe,” Terri says. “Having so many cookies to share gives me an excuse to go out and introduce myself. It’s easier to knock on the door of a neighbor I haven’t met yet when I have a plate of cookies to offer. Sometimes, it’s hard to take that step, but it’s been worth it.”

Taking food to welcome neighbors is nothing new, of course. Terri says it makes sense to stick with what works. She offers these tips for making the most of the time-honored technique:

• Be the one to step out and meet your neighbors, even if yours is the new family.

• Any treats—cookies, pies, cakes, or fruit trays—are usually welcome. If you don’t have time to bake from scratch, buy frozen dough or a mix to bake.

• Include a small card with ingredients and mention if you’ve accommodated any special dietary cautions (e.g., gluten free, dairy free, vegan).

• Include your address and phone number. If your house is visible from the neighbors’, point out which house is yours, or mention identifiable characteristics (e.g., green shutters, flag pole) so your neighbors can connect your face to your home.

• Remember, it’s the connection that counts.

Not all pumpkin cookie deliveries have resulted in friendship for Terri or her family, but many have created a connection.

“It’s like planting a seed,” she says. “It may grow and bear fruit. It may not, but it never will if the seed is never planted.”

Sharing the cookies often results in a request for the recipe, which Terri is happy to provide. The Barnes family has been a lot of places, and the recipe has traveled even more extensively, carried by military friends who shared cookies and the recipe far and wide. Terri often hears from people who are baking the cookies all over.

‘World famous’ cookies

“I’ve seen Facebook and Instagram posts from friends of friends, people making pumpkin cookies for their neighbors truly all over the world. Often, they are people who don’t know me, but they got the recipe from someone we were stationed with in Arizona, or Alabama. Now, they’re making the cookies in Korea or Slovenia. My best friend likes to say that my pumpkin cookies have become world famous.”

As a columnist for Stars and Stripes and the author of Spouse Calls: Messages From a Military Life, Terri shared her cookie-connecting experiences and recipe with an even wider audience. She began that particular column with “When you give a neighbor a plate of cookies,” as nod to Laura Numeroff’s When you Give a Mouse a Cookie.

“I sent a copy of the column to Laura, who sent a sweet note and allowed me to include it in my book,” says Terri.

Full circle

Like the popular children’s book that begins and ends with the gift of a cookie, the story of Terri’s recipe also creates a circle, as the recipe travels from friend to friend. Terri’s favorite cookie share happened when her family was stationed in Germany, and their oldest son, Will, was in his first year of college at Baylor University in Waco, Texas.

“Pumpkin cookies are very moist, so they don’t mail very well, especially across the ocean. I hated that I couldn’t send some to Will for his birthday, but then I got a message from my friend’s daughter, Dana, who was also at Baylor. She said, ‘I’m baking pumpkin cookies for Will for his birthday!’

“It was a very happy mom moment to see that gift of friendship deliver homemade cookies to him when I couldn’t,” says Terri.

Pumpkin cookie production in the Barnes household is usually ten or twelve dozen cookies, says Terri. Most of those are shared with friends and neighbors.

Any kind of cookies or homemade treat can become a connection to neighbors old and new.

Use a family favorite or try Terri’s “world famous” recipe. Either way, the most important ingredient is the sharing.

Pumpkin Cookies

Makes about three dozen cookies

1 C. shortening
1 C. sugar
1 C. canned pumpkin
1 egg
1 tsp vanilla

2 C. flour
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. baking powder
2 tsp. cinnamon
1/2 tsp. salt

Cream shortening and sugar, add egg and pumpkin. Add dry ingredients and vanilla. Drop by tablespoonfuls on ungreased baking sheet. Bake 12-14 minutes at 350 degrees, until cookie springs back when touched lightly in the middle. Let cool before frosting.

Caramel Frosting
Enough for about three dozen cookies.

3 T. butter
4 T. milk
1/2 C. light brown sugar, packed
1 C. powdered sugar
1 tsp. vanilla

Melt butter in sauce pan. Add milk and brown sugar. Stir until combined. Boil 2 minutes. Pour into mixing bowl and let it cool but not get completely cold. Add powdered sugar and vanilla. Beat until smooth.

Vegetarian: For the frosting, substitute margarine or coconut oil for the butter; use almond or cashew milk rather than cow’s milk.

Vegan: Use the vegetarian options above, and for the cookies, use 1 mashed banana in place of the egg.

Gluten-free: For the cookies, use an all-purpose 1:1 gluten-free flour or your favorite gluten-free flour blend. For the frosting, use powdered sugar that is gluten-free and processed in a wheat-free environment.

All substitutions are 1:1, unless otherwise indicated.

The post Pumpkin Cookies: Sweetness to Share With Friends and Neighbors appeared first on Military Family Life.

• Discuss the meaning of the stars, stripes, and colors of the flag. When walking through your neighborhood or on a family trip, see how many flags you can find.
• Show children the correct way to display and fold a flag. Guidance may be available from local scout troop, military installation, or veteran’s organization.
• Talk to kids about ways to honor veterans.
• Read the Declaration of Independence and the Bill of Rights. Talk about why the writers decided to write what they did. Let your children pretend they are staring their own country and create their own framework of rights and responsibilities.
• Take children with you if you vote in person or explain voting by mail. Talk about why the voting process is essential.
• Make a family tree. Talk about relatives who serve in the armed forces, past and present. Talk about ancestors and why they chose to immigrate to the United States. Personalizing history makes it more relevant.
• Learn the Pledge of Allegiance. Talk about the meaning of the words.
• On patriotic holidays, like Independence Day, discuss the reasons for the celebrations or observances. Learn the differences between Veterans Day and Memorial Day.

Adapted from “Simple Patriotism for Kids” by Rachel Robertson. Rachel is an educator and the author of Deployment Journal for Kids, a special place for military kids to record their feelings and events when a loved one is deployed.

More about actions and observances honoring military service:

• Memorial Day:Ways to Remember, Honor Veterans Who Gave All
• Military Appreciation: 11 Ways to Honor Veterans

The post What is Patriotism? 8 Learning Activities for Kids appeared first on Military Family Life.

Deborah’s losses are with her daily, but it’s also important to her to observe the special day set aside to honor fallen American service members like Patrick and David.

“A flag flies at my residence every day,” she says. “I will light two candles on Memorial Day.”

After moving to a new home two hundred miles away, she isn’t always able to visit her husband’s and son’s graves, but she says they are never really far from her. “They both live strong each day in my heart.”

To honor veterans appropriately, it’s important to recognize the differences between the days set aside to honor them. Veterans Day, Nov. 11, is a day to honor living veterans. Memorial Day, the last Monday in May, is a day to honor veterans who have died. When the observance was established after the Civil War, it honored those who died in battle. Today, ceremonies and bereaved families everywhere remember all veterans who have died, no matter where or when.

“I know so many families who have suffered the losses, whether on a battlefield or off. Their veteran and their service meant the world to them.”

–Deborah Tainsh

On Memorial Day at Arlington National Cemetery in Virginia, flags are placed on hundreds of thousands of graves of veterans buried there, without regard to the place or manner of their deaths. The ceremony, called “Flags In” has been a tradition of the 3rd Infantry Regiment, known as the “Old Guard,” since 1948.

“I know so many families who have suffered the losses, whether on a battlefield or off,” says Deborah. “Their veteran and their service meant the world to them.”

Deborah offers some suggestions for ways to honor the memory of veterans who have served and died:

• On Memorial Day, remember a family or person who has suffered through the death of a veteran loved one. Send a card or a message to let them know you are thinking of them.
• At a Memorial Day picnic or barbecue, place an American flag to honor those who fought, served, and died for the country the flag represents.
• Avoid saying “Happy Memorial Day,” because it doesn’t reflect the true meaning of the day. These words make families cringe, Deborah says. Instead, consider a phrase such as “Never forget the sacrifices” or “Remember the fallen.”

It’s nice to thank a veteran for serving, but not on Memorial Day. Deborah says: “The living veterans who were Patrick’s battle buddies are some of the first to say ‘Don’t thank me. Remember my fallen brothers.'”

And that’s what Gold Star family members like Deborah do every day.

Deborah Tainsh wrote Heart of a Hawk: One Family’s Sacrifice and Journey Toward Healing following the combat death of her son, Patrick. She collected essays from other Gold Star parents for another book, Surviving the Folded Flag: Parents of War Share Stories of Coping, Courage, and Faith.

Sgt. Patrick Shannon Tainsh, United States Army, died on Feb. 11, 2004, while serving in Iraq. He was posthumously awarded both the Bronze and Silver Stars for saving the lives of his commanding officer and other soldiers. Sgt. Major David Tainsh, United States Marine Corps (Retired) died on Dec. 2014 of cancer associated with exposure to Agent Orange while serving in Vietnam.

More about actions and observances honoring military service:

• What is Patriotism? 8 Learning Activities for Kids
• Military Appreciation: 11 Ways to Honor Veterans

The post Memorial Day: Ways to Remember, Honor Veterans Who Gave All appeared first on Military Family Life.

Nancy Polette’s middle grade picture book, N Is for Never Forget: POW-MIA A to Z, includes many stories of American military heroes who were prisoners of war or were missing in action, as well as the ways military service is recognized in the United States. The book also includes suggested ways to honor veterans past and present. Here are some ideas based on Nancy’s book:

• Talk to a veteran or active duty service member in your family or community. Ask the veteran to tell his or her story.
• Write down the story. Take new pictures, or request past pictures of the veteran or service member. Use the story and pictures to make a book, and present it to the veteran or veteran’s family as a gift.
• Write a veteran’s story for your school or local paper. Be sure to get permission from the person before putting it in any publication. Use pictures if appropriate.
• Attend a Veterans Day parade or another special event in your community to honor veterans.
• If you see a military member in uniform, say, “Thank you for your service.”
• Visit a war memorial or veterans’ cemetery in your area. Read the names and inscriptions. What do you learn out about the people who served in the military by visiting places like this? Write down your thoughts and experiences.
• Volunteer, alongside family or friends, at an organization or event that supports wounded warriors.
• Find out about volunteer opportunities or needs at a Veterans Affairs hospital in your area.
• Write a letter to a military member serving far from his or her family.
• Read books about veterans and the ways they have served and sacrificed.
• Place flags or wreaths on veterans’ graves. Ask a local veterans organization or Wreaths Across America about opportunities near you. Wreaths Across America is an organization that places flags and wreaths on veterans’ graves across the nation with help from volunteers and donors.

The book N Is for Never Forget: POW-MIA A to Z by Nancy Polette was illustrated by Paul Dillon, whose father was a prisoner of war during World War II. The illustration of a Veterans Day parade featured with this article appears on the N page of the book. Reprinted with permission.

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